


The Oscillation of Attraction

by KatieDingo



Category: Last Tango In Halifax
Genre: Caroline Elliot and Kate McKenzie, F/F, Kate crushes like mad, Lots of angsty goodness with light doses of snark, No one dies but Caroline would love to throttle John, yes there will be sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:55:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 43,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21865591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatieDingo/pseuds/KatieDingo
Summary: Caroline confronts John about Judith: heavy objects are thrown, John ducks, pictures are broken. What happens next? How do Kate and Caroline find each other? Dis-Moi and KatieDingo grab their headlamps and hiking boots and go spelunking together with a claustrophobic Caroline and a bewitched Kate. Join us for a descent into madness.
Relationships: Kate McKenzie & Caroline McKenzie-Dawson, Kate McKenzie/Caroline McKenzie-Dawson
Comments: 154
Kudos: 189





	1. Lying, Cheating Bastard

Bastard. Lying, cheating bastard. Caroline looked at the clock. She felt like she’d been awake for hours and it was just after 3am. Having swallowed a sleeping tablet earlier, she’d managed to nod off for a bit but her turbulent brain had hauled itself back to life when the drug had worn off. She’d been awake for hours, unable to stop thinking about John. Five months. Five months he’d been shagging that woman, that whore, that home wrecker. Five months he’d been fucking that bitch while fucking her. She groaned and curled into a ball, the thought that he’d been sharing her bed, and her body, while screwing someone else was overwhelming. The walls started to close in and suddenly the bedroom was too small to contain her angst. Caroline gave up the pretence of sleep, sprung out of bed and headed for the kitchen.

As she padded down the stairs trying not to wake the boys, she peered through squinty eyes, surveying the damage to the wall below her. She wondered if John had cleaned up the broken glass or if it had been William, her ever-considerate son. Examining the wall more closely, she knew the marks on the paint would wipe off but the framed art she’d knocked to the floor while hurtling John’s shoes at him was history. For a moment she wished she’d had better aim and a sly grin ghosted across her face. She was consoled by the thought that the pictures were a house-warming gift from John’s mum — she’d always hated them — and her eyes narrowed with gleeful satisfaction that she’d played a part in their destruction.

Bastard. Fucking, lying, cheating bastard. That had been her mantra since the shocking revelation of John’s affair toward the end of her school day. Never in her wildest imagination did she expect to be where she now found herself, with a lying, cheating bastard of a husband. A sudden sickly feeling that she’d become just like her mother gripped her chest and she held her breath as she hugged the post at the bottom of the stairs, momentarily too horrified to let anything go. She ran her hand over the familiar pockmarked wood that still carried the scars from when a younger Lawrence had regularly thrown his school bag at it. The post stood firm despite the damage and it was a relief to have at least something she could rely on. She was lightheaded before the air finally left her lungs in a rush, leaving her breathless but with a bolt of clarity. Not the same. She hadn’t known. Fucking lying, cheating bastard.

Stepping into the kitchen she flipped on the light and her eyes instantly fell upon the colourful dish resting on the middle of the kitchen counter. She recognised the plate as one belonging to her mum. Leaning against the counter, she lifted a bit of the cling film to inspect the contents. The aroma of her favourite biscuits filled the air and she lifted the plate to her nose and inhaled deeply. The comforting notes of the cinnamon and chocolate she adored suffused a calm through her body and she didn’t resist its effect.

Uncharacteristically Caroline selected the biggest biscuit on the plate. That first bite was as soft and chewy as she remembered, with the oatmeal and raisins sticking to her teeth like they always did. In that instant she was transported back to her mum’s old kitchen. She was in her mid-teens when she’d realised Celia only made a batch of these oatmeal, raisin and chocolate chip biscuits whenever she’d had a fight with Kenneth over a dalliance. Every time Caroline came home from school to find a batch of them waiting for her on the kitchen table with a cold glass of milk, she knew that silence would reign at home for the next few days. She didn’t have a sibling to commiserate with so she’d taken solace in those biscuits. Looking back, she was amazed she loved them so much since the memory of them was steeped in tension and sadness.

Needing something to help wash down the biscuit, the urge to recreate even the small sense of security she’d had back then pushed her to shuffle to the refrigerator and pour herself a glass of milk. She slid her bottom over the nearest stool and settled in, hands wrapped around the cold glass. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d drunk milk like this and wished she could turn back time. Eighteen years. Eighteen fucking years with that lying, cheating bastard. 

It was at that point she noticed John’s computer was not in its normal spot. She wasn’t sure how to feel about the confirmation that it wasn’t a nightmare and she really had thrown him out of the house. That lying, cheating bastard. She sighed, realising it was impossible to drown her sorrows with milk. At least the biscuits were helping.

Celia’s timely gesture touched her and provided a bit of comfort she hadn’t expected. Tears started to well in her eyes while she ate and she wondered when her mum had made and delivered the treat. The fight with John was only a few hours old and she hadn’t told her mum about it; she decided it must have been one of the kids as she was certain John wouldn’t have had the guts to face Celia. As soon as John had gone, suitcase and computer in hand, she’d told the boys to order pizza for their tea. Minimum parenting achieved, she’d disappeared into her bedroom, needing space to finish having her mental breakdown without the teenage audience. She’d spent the early part of the night pacing around the room, alternating between bouts of agonising betrayal that seared sharply into her soul and white-hot rage that flooded her body with a stormy heat. Eventually she’d taken a tablet, desperate to get past the chaotic emotions that engulfed her.

The plate of biscuits, artfully arranged into a tempting pile, reminded Caroline that she’d skipped dinner. Hungry, one biscuit tasted like two and somehow two tasted like three. She finished her milk after the last bite and found her tears had dried up. She was back to being furious with John, which was easier to cope with than the pain of his duplicity. She vowed while she was growing up that her marriage was going to be vastly different from her mum’s, but here she was, thanks to that lying, cheating bastard, not very different from Celia. She suspected that was what shocked her the most.

Caroline hadn’t ever expected John to be unfaithful. She’d believed they’d had a good marriage. Well, at least a workable one. The sex had been good and while not earth shattering, it had certainly been regular. He was a generous lover when he wasn’t drinking and she’d enjoyed it. She’d thought he had too. What cut the deepest was that he knew how much her father’s indiscretions had destroyed her childhood, filling the house with a tense silence so the only space that felt safe was her bedroom, her books a haven of distraction from the drama downstairs. Each time Kenneth cheated on her mum it had felt like her dad was cheating on her too. John knew this and still he’d cheated on her. And their boys. John had cheated on them all. She sighed heavily, thoughts racing through her head as she wondered how the boys were coping. 

She wasn’t happy that her pain and anger had spilled over into fury when the truth had finally surfaced, but she simply hadn’t been able to hold in her white-hot rage after she’d confronted him in the kitchen. Her most stinging regret was that the boys were in the house and for the boys’ sake, she knew she needed to get her act together, and quickly.

A tense smile teased at the corners of her mouth as she slowly climbed the stairs, recalling the stunned look on John’s face when she’d kicked him out of the house. She was thankful she had the means and courage to do it. It was something that her mum had never been able to do and in the grit that underlay this intangible mess was a small sense of justice for the both of them.

The sheets were cold when Caroline climbed in between them. After a few minutes of lying on her back, she flopped onto her stomach and clutched her pillow under her chest. She reached up and combed hair off her face and neck with her fingers, allowing the soft caress to soothe. She willed her brain to power down enough to drift back to a restless dreamland, miraculously managing some sleep before her alarm sounded.

* * *

Bright light streamed through her bedroom window, callously oblivious to the horrors of the previous night. The dull thud in Caroline’s head as blood attempted to traverse her brain vanquished any doubt that today was going to be a tough one. Then it all came flooding back. Bastard. Fucking lying, cheating bastard.

Her need to hide under the duvet was compelling, but the whip of duty pushed her inexorably into her day. She covered her face with her hands while she mentally ran though her calendar before flinging back the duvet and stumbling towards the bathroom. It was only when she was having a shower that she realised she’d need to get tested for STDs. She dry retched then, the visceral understanding that he’d brought home whatever diseases he’d picked up from the bitch making her nauseous, like she’d unwittingly slept with an army. Selfish prick. Shaking, she stood upright, trying to keep down the biscuits from last night. Through gritted teeth she made a plan. GP. Today. Get tested for everything. Disinfect the house. Everything. Throw out the sheets. All of them. She couldn’t bear the thought of touching anything that SHE might have touched. Caroline’s mind churned through all she’d need to do while hot water cascaded over her distress, but she knew she could get through this. She had a plan.

Slowly she dried her body and dressed in the suit that reeked of power. It was a suit of armour woven with fine wool. In the mirror, in the harsh light of day, she saw how puffy and red her eyes were from crying so she carefully applied her makeup. Today it was war paint. If it weren’t for her mid-morning Board of Governors’ meeting, she would have called in sick, stayed curled up under the duvet and tried to decide how to fully divest herself of John without actually murdering him.

As ready as she was ever going to be, Caroline considered herself in the mirror before heading downstairs. As she buttoned her suit jacket, the sight of her wedding ring caught her eye. She tried to twist it off her finger but her hand was a little swollen and it didn’t move easily. Leaving it in place for now, Caroline left the privacy of her room to speak with the boys. She knew she had to find space for them in her head; they’d had a cattle prod to their hearts as well.

Entering the kitchen, Caroline found the boys slouched over the kitchen counter finishing their breakfast.

“Good morning boys. Are you okay?” Caroline looked closely at her sons before kissing each one on the side of their heads as she hugged them.

“We’re fine mum.” William watched her, gauging her mood as she moved around the kitchen to make her coffee. “How are you?”

“Oh, I’ll get there.” She looked up, seeing William shrouded in sadness and Lawrence clearly unseated from his sense of home. Her guilt drove her to apologise to them both again, the short silence settling over them only broken by the sound of cutlery.

Lawrence spoke into his cereal before glancing quickly at his mum, “Where’s Dad?”

“I don’t know.” She looked at the bench with unseeing eyes, her mouth twisted with uncertainty. “I expect he’ll get in touch with you at some point.”

“Are you going to tell people?” he asked quietly, the vulnerability in his voice slicing through her, delivering yet more pain and another dose of guilt. She did her best to bury it, promising herself that she’d deal with it later, all the while knowing she’d avoid it if she could.

Caroline walked slowly around the counter and stroked the side of Lawrence’s face. She spoke quietly. “No. I’d rather it didn’t get out yet, ‘till we’ve worked out what’s what.” She was surprised when he leaned into her body and she gently wrapped her arms around him again. “I am sorry. I know it’s tough. Whatever happens, we will get through it. It’ll be okay, I promise.” She held him for a moment longer, adding with more surety, “I love you. So does your dad, whatever happens between us.” She kissed the top of his head and released him.

They finished their breakfast in subdued silence, the boys sharing glances as their mum drank her coffee. It was getting into the car that she realised that the boys’ on-going quarrel about anything and everything had dissolved overnight. Perhaps this might bring them closer together; an unexpected benefit, even if it was temporary.

She turned the key to start her old Volvo. As she drove to work the sun shone brightly and she decided it would serve John right if she bought an expensive new car. His repeated objections no longer mattered and that idea brought a much-needed smile to her face. Bugger John, she ruminated as she parked in her reserved carpark. Bugger that fucking lying, cheating bastard. She was grateful the boys couldn’t hear her thoughts as they slid silently from the car and left her to it while she pulled herself together for a day in public. Moments later she followed them inside.

“You look…” Beverley began as Caroline entered her office until she thought better of it. She could tell something was off but knew Caroline was more likely to reveal what was going on if she wasn’t pushed, “...like you could do with some tea?”

“Please. And keep it flowing,” Caroline said, relieved to sidestep any personal conversation with Beverley for the time being. If she were going to keep up the Celia-like pretence that everything was fine, she knew she couldn’t start her day by spilling her tale to her ever-vigilant assistant.


	2. Marigolds in a Storm

It was just after midday when Caroline managed to escape work and bolt to her car. Her mind was consumed with the events of the previous evening, rage at John still surging through her system in a chaotic cyclone and she’d struggled to keep out of the gale force winds of its periphery. The deadweight of cement in her stomach remained but the relief of getting through her official obligations was evident in the slight shaking of her fingers on the steering wheel as she passed through the school gates. She had just enough time to hit the linen section of Marks & Sparks on her way to the GP, and then she headed for home.

Crashing through the front door with arms full of sheets and towels, she took the lot into the laundry and dumped everything onto the floor. She satisfyingly ripped open the packaging and put the first set of sheets into the washing machine before flying up the stairs and into their bedroom — _her_ bedroom. She made a mental note to change that in her head in future. She quickly shucked out of her work clothes and put on a t-shirt and jeans to perform the impending exorcism.

Ready to tackle the Devil himself, she pelted down the stairs two at a time before turning into the kitchen. Radio cranked up high to drown out the racket in her head and she was set to go on a cleaning rampage. She opened all the windows as wide as she could to let in the fresh air and the sunlight. Standing in the middle of the house, hands protected by her marigold gloves, spray bottle of cleaner dangling from one finger and a fresh cloth from another, she decided where to begin disinfecting John from her house.

There was a suggestion of frenzy in her cleaning as the urge to sterilise everything that he might have touched was overwhelming. As she moved from room to room she knew it was obsessive, but the drive to rid herself of him was compulsive. Three days until she would have the results. Three fucking days until she knew if he had infected her. She stood in the lounge, rage and fear leaking out her pores. She could smell it in her sweat as she waited for her breathing to settle. She’d never been so humiliated, tossing up whether to admit to the GP that she didn’t know her husband had been fucking around on her for five months, or let him assume that she’d been the one screwing around. The truth was the least horrible option and she had been clammy with rage and shame while she’d spread her legs for the speculum and the swabs.

She stood with fists clenched for a full minute, going over it again in her mind before she could start her exertions again. She shook her head as she scrubbed, trying to clear it all from her brain as she wiped furniture and door handles and everything else. She paid special attention to the chair he’d loved the most, cursing it and him as she did so. She looked around for a moment before moving the furniture in the lounge room. It was heavy work but it needed to change; she needed it to change. She knew she’d not sleep until the house was expunged of the scent of him: his betrayal carrying a stench all its own. Lying, cheating bastard.

The last part of the purge was dragging the remainder of John’s clothes and shoes out of her bedroom and into the spare bedroom down the stairs. With every armful she carried she had to resist the urge to take it out the back and burn it. Clothes, shoes, toiletries. She didn’t care. She could taste the soot in her mouth at the thought of setting it all alight and it sent a malevolent thrill through her. She could imagine how satisfying it would be, watching it all burn. Instead, with a clearer head and a cooling rage, she dumped each load into the cupboards and drawers in the spare room. She tidied the room, closed the cupboards, and shut the door. Resting her hand on the closed door, the feeling that this was more than a metaphorical doorway to her past travelled through her system. As she patted the solid wood, there was a sense that this was the end of an era.

Climbing the stairs more slowly as the frenzy started to ebb, she walked into her room and this time it felt like it was truly hers and hers alone. Eighteen years erased in a couple of frenetic hours. Eighteen years erased after five months of lying and cheating. She had a long shower, dressed again and lay in the middle of her freshly made bed, getting used to the idea of being free of him. She knew it would keep coming back to haunt her because all those years of habit wouldn’t change overnight, no matter how much she wanted them to. She’d made a start, and that was what mattered.

Downstairs in the kitchen she heard movement.

“Caroline? Where are you, Caroline?”

Her mum. She sighed. There was no way to avoid the post-mortem discussion she was dreading and she decided it was best to have it when the boys weren’t home. She sat on the edge of her bed, calling out, “Up here Mum! I’ll be down in a minute.” She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. She wasn’t prepared to suffer through another discussion about her dad’s antics on the way to discussing John.

She trudged down the stairs again and into the kitchen, where her mum had been kind enough to put the kettle on.

“I can see you’ve been busy. William came to see me last night and told me John was gone. He said something about John having it off with someone else.” Celia really looked at her daughter as Caroline moved closer. “Are you okay love?”

“I’m fine Mum. Thank you for the biscuits.” She moved into her mum’s open arms but the hug was brief and ended when Caroline pulled away. “He’s moved out. I told him to go.” Caroline stepped around the other side of the counter, ostensibly to get the remaining biscuits Celia had baked, but part of the reason was to put some distance between her and her mother. She wasn’t entirely sure what reaction she’d get now she’d admitted that she’d kicked him out. Her decision was so different to the one her mum had made all those years ago.

“Well thank heaven’s for that.” The moue on Celia’s face told it’s own story about her relationship with John. “I’m sorry it’s happened to you too.” She really was trying not to say ‘I told you so’ but the effort reduced her to temporary stillness.

“Thanks Mum. I’m sorry too.”

The discussion moved on to the boys and their reactions, and then to practical arrangements now that John was presumably out of the picture for the foreseeable future. Caroline was pleasantly surprised how supportive her mum was and how, between the two of them, looking after Lawrence was going to be possible. It was then Caroline realised John had largely abandoned parenting quite some time ago, and that she was really raising the boys with her mum.

Celia had worked out John’s uselessness a while ago, and while she was saddened that Caroline seemed so upset, getting rid of her son-in-law — the obnoxious wanker — was probably worth it. She offered any assistance Caroline might need, gave her one last hug and headed out the back door. As Celia walked around the corner to her bungalow, wanting a sherry to quietly celebrate, she muttered, “Good riddance to bad rubbish,” under her breath.

Relieved the exchange with her mum was relatively painless — and more supportive than expected from the ever-judgmental matriarch — Caroline ambled through the house with her tea, shutting some of the windows as the cooler evening breeze chased the warmth from the afternoon air. The boys would be home soon after their respective choir and rugby practices. She’d cook them a lovely dinner, just for the three of them.

As she wandered through each of the rooms she realised that she and John were now separated. The word alone made her feel like a statistic. She hugged the warm mug, watching the brown liquid swirl from her movement. She stood up straight and looked out the open window into her back yard, seeing the late spring blooms a productive result of the hours she had spent in the garden. She watched the magnolias sway, their vivid pink flowers still blossoming with abundance. Although she wasn’t ready to acknowledge it, for the first time in nearly twenty years, Caroline was functionally a single woman.


	3. The Steel Showed Through

Caroline was dreading the arrival of the first weekend post apocalypse. As Friday night drew to a close, she was thankful for the crush of work and the kids’ schedules for the remainder of the week but feared the empty desert of time on her hands at the weekend. With no commitments awaiting her in the morning, she downed a little more wine than usual once the kids had retired for the night. It was after midnight before she’d hauled herself upstairs to face her empty bed. Clad in her most comfortable pyjamas, she poured herself between the sheets and prayed to the heavens for a break from the mental gymnastics that consumed her.

Sleep hadn’t come easily for days. It had seemed that every time she put her head on the pillow, regardless of how emotionally and physically exhausted she was, she found her head spinning. Had John actually fallen in love with someone else or was it just lust? When had John stopped loving her? Feeling humiliated, she curled into the foetal position, wanting to avoid the conclusion that she’d missed seeing it because she’d been emotionally absent. She’d thought that was what long-term relationships were: functional and practical with regular sex for brief connection. She had enjoyed the sex but she couldn’t recall the last time she and John had actually talked about something that wasn’t related to work, the kids, or her mother.

Despite their flaws, she was furious with him for not talking with her if he needed more from her. They had always been able to talk and she wondered when they really stopped talking. She had a sneaking suspicion that John would never have confessed if she hadn’t confronted him about it. She scrubbed her face with her hands and unfurled her long body as she sighed. Dragging herself back through her recent past wasn’t helping, but her mind kept returning to it, like a dog with a burnt chop. She huddled deeper under the covers, hoping that that sheer exhaustion would provide relief from the perturbation and eventually it did.

Nine hours later Caroline was kicked into consciousness by the siren of a nearby firetruck. Heart racing from its intrusion, she cursed the heavens that just hours earlier she had prayed to. She slowly rubbed the sleep from her eyes, enjoying the safety and warmth of her bed while her heart rate settled.

Staring at the ceiling, she watched leafy shadows dancing on the autumn-coloured paint, their staccato bursts of movement amplifying the stillness echoing loudly through the rest of the house. Glancing at the clock she realised Lawrence would be at rugby practice and William would be with his study group and was relieved for the small mercy of a morning without the pretence that everything was fine. She knew she wasn’t fooling either of the boys but getting rid of nearly everything in the house that explicitly reminded her of John had made it easier. Family photos were still dotted around the house, but the boys either hadn’t noticed or hadn’t mentioned the reduction in the number of books on the shelves or their dad’s favourite mug from the cupboard. She’d surgically removed him from her sight, although fragments of him and their lives together lingered like stale aftershave in the timbers of the house.

She rolled onto her side and pulled the duvet over her head, nestling into the comforting warmth. The desire to sleep through the day was strong, but she knew it was an avoidance tactic. She threw the duvet off, the cool a small shock to her body. She used it as impetus to haul herself to the edge of the bed. Scrunching her toes in the soft carpet, she had the urge to do something just for herself.

As she walked down the stairs and turned the corner on the landing, a stab of light came in through the window and caught her eye. The metallic paint of her Volvo glinted in the driveway. It was the first new car she’d ever bought. Her prior cars had been second hand but she’d wanted to send the message that she was safe and dependable when she started working at Sulgrave Heath and the solid family image of a dark blue Volvo had served her well.

In that moment, with the clarity delivered by antiseptic sunlight, she decided it would serve John right if she bought a new car. His repeated objections every time she mentioned trading the Volvo in for something else no longer mattered and the idea of going car shopping brought a much-needed smile to her face. Bugger John, she thought, as she entered the sanctuary of her kitchen. She made a beeline to her French press, her regular Saturday morning indulgence.

Settling in over her café au lait, she leafed through the thick weekend newspaper to get to the car ads. She’d had in mind something European and sleek, but there it was. The perfect _Fuck You_ to John. It was an ad for a stonking great tank. She threw her head back and laughed, the first time she’d laughed in days. She could even see the shock on his face as she parked her huge motor next to his puny little car. She stood up, the excitement of so royally pissing him off too much to remain seated.

Vibrating with delight, she logged into her banking app and transferred enough funds to pay for the beast, all the while singing a happy little chant of “Fuck you, you little prick” over and over again. She raced upstairs with energy to burn. A short time later, showered, dressed and still humming her little ditty of vengeance, she grabbed her car’s registration documents and headed to the car wash. Despite its age, the Volvo would clean up well and she hoped for a good trade-in price.

  
  
  


* * *

The red Jeep had better acceleration than she expected. She presumed the fairly large diesel engine rumbling under the bonnet had enough grunt to handle normal driving, despite the salesman’s continual patter about fuel consumption, revs per minute and the like. He wasn’t selling her on the car at all but she really didn’t need him to. She’d known the moment she’d seen the top of the line Grand Cherokee that it would do what she required of it: make John feel insignificant. She also knew that its American badge would piss John off all the more, so if it was reasonably comfortable to drive, she’d take it.

As she pulled onto the A61 and gunned the engine, she felt a small amount of exhilaration. After a mid-sized sedan, it was fun driving such a large, intimidating vehicle and she couldn’t stop the smile from etching into her face. She was even happy to put up with the constant droning of the sales pitch from the passenger, a tall man with a concave chest who presented himself as a slightly dapper man-about-town.

Caroline had been toying with him like a cat plays with a felt mouse since he approached her in the car yard. Knowing she was likely to come across a salesman like him, she’d worn one of her work outfits that pulled a little tighter across her chest and, of course, the killer three-inch heels. She usually thought of it as dressing professionally so she’d be granted respect, but on this occasion she was happy to use her assets to get a better deal if the man was too stupid to keep his eyes out of her cleavage. He hadn’t been difficult to read; there was a swagger about him, like he thought she was an easy target and one he could possibly talk into bed. She wondered if John had behaved in a similar fashion, so making a game of it provided her a venomous joy while waiting until she struck.

She turned off the main road and headed into the smaller streets, getting a feel for the car and how it handled. As she experimented with the buttons on the dashboard, she delighted in the whir as the passenger window opened and generated a minor hurricane in her passenger’s silver hair. The sales pitch ceased mid word while he clutched protectively at the regular rows of thatch covering his scalp, confirming her suspicion about his paid-up membership in the hair club for men. Caroline covered her snort with a cough, although she wasn’t sure she’d been that convincing.

“It’s as fun as it looks,” she enthused. She kept her eyes on the road as the window whirred up, distracting him with a question, “What did you say about the four wheel drive?”

The salesman gently reorganised his hair and then he observed Caroline more closely, wondering if she was as fun as she looked. He blathered on about how effective it was off-road and as he grew more confident about his audience, his tone changed. Facts about the car morphed into questions about whether she lived locally, and what she did for work. Caroline mostly ignored him as she focused on navigating the larger car around her local streets and all the while the soporific bleating continued unabated.

It was a very different experience sitting up so high and Caroline found she was peering down on other drivers. She stopped at a traffic light and could unexpectedly see into the convertible next to her in the right turn lane. While she delighted in the sight of the woman adjusting her enticingly short skirt, she was unpleasantly reminded of her company when a hand rested lightly on her thigh. She refused to acknowledge it but her eyes narrowed for a moment while she worked out how to play it. The hand started a slow caress as she turned her eyes back to the road when the lights turned green. She accelerated carefully, keeping an eye on her rear view mirror, relieved there were no cars behind her. The hand moved higher up her thigh and once she’d reached 60 kph she stamped hard on the brakes. The hand released as its owner shot forward, the startled scream cutoff by the “Ooof” as the seatbelt cut into his chest. She grinned malevolently for a split second before turning to him, her face full of concern.

“Oh. I’m _so so_ sorry. I was testing the ABS.” She watched as he carefully rearranged himself back into the seat, a sweat springing to life as he ran his fingers along his receding hairline. “The brakes seem to be working fine.”

“I’m...” He squeaked before clearing his throat, his voice returning to it’s normal register. “I’m fine. It was just a bit sudden, is all.” He eyed her suspiciously, not entirely sure that he wasn’t being played and wondering how he could regain his perceived upper-hand.

Caroline returned her gaze to the road as she took off again, heading back to the dealership, noticing that his hands dwelled nervously in his lap. She parked the car where it had come from and took a long look around the dash. She could imagine herself with a car like this. She could even envisage parking it next to John’s tattered BMW and that thought alone filled her with mischievous glee. She smiled at the now slightly twitchy salesman and enquired politely, “Do you have one available now?”

He perked up immediately. “Well, we normally order it for you so we can customise it as you need... get it ready with all the extras you want, you know.” He stepped out of the car, turning to point to a shiny black Grand Cherokee. “That one fell through, so that’s available now.”

“Oh. Did it? How disappointing for you,” Caroline trilled, spotting another weakness to exploit. “I’m really not that keen on black. Just as a matter of interest,” she paused, looking intentionally distracted, “How much are you asking for it?”

“£49,500 with all the extras. It’s ready to go but it would take a day or two for the paperwork.” He could smell the deal closing and was almost drooling more over the possible commission than he was her.

“No. I don’t think so.” She looked down the street where the Toyota banner was flapping in the breeze. “I’m not that fussed about it really.” It was near the end of the month and she could tell from the slump of his shoulders that he needed the sale to make his quota. “I might need to think about it.” She nodded and started to walk away, luscious hips swaying a little bit more than usual.

He panicked, wondering how it had all gone tits up so quickly before he lurched after her. “There is room to move on that price...” he exclaimed before nearly colliding with her as she stopped abruptly. She turned smoothly on the balls of her feet, lithe and predatory, piercing blue eyes staring through him. The disquieting intensity of her gaze landed with a flash of lucidity and he realised he’d been bested.

She stepped towards him and he took a step backwards. “And...”

He swallowed, the sweat blossoming on his brow as he took another step backwards. He desperately grasped at the remnants of the deal. “£45,000, and not a pound lower.”

“Done!” Caroline again stepped into his space, this time almost nose to nose. “I want it this afternoon and I want £17,000 for the Volvo.” Her voice dropped, the steel showing through, “And next time you want to put your hand on a woman, ask permission.”


	4. Too Late For Lunch

It was too late for lunch and too early for supper when an indecisive Kate stood at the counter of her favourite café. Everything was tempting but Kate had made so many decisions while marking student work during the morning that her mind was fatigued. Sick of dithering, she chose her favourite coffee and the food nearest the tongs — a quiche. She paid and plonked herself in her usual chair by the window so she could watch the town pass by, the lovely spring day encouraging her mind to wander. There seemed to be more activity on the high street today and she presumed the warmer weather was enticing more people outside. 

There was something very human in her need for company in the busy cafe. It was a break from the solitude of her home and cheered her up after the misery of having to fail one too many students’ Italian tests, which told her she needed to find another way to get through to 9F. She sighed and distractedly rotated her cup, letting herself become absorbed by the patterns of light and shade visited upon the liquid. 

A bright light flashed across her eye and she looked up to see a shiny black SUV being awkwardly squeezed into a parking space across the street. She narrowed her eyes, silently judging the environmentally-unaware dolt driving. She preferred her little fuel-efficient Fiat, which had the added attraction of being easy to whip into the tight parking spaces so common around Harrogate.

Expecting to see a muscle-bound bloke or a plaid-shirted woman erupt from it, she was surprised to witness an elegant high-heeled shoe and shapely calf emerge as the door swung open. Further judgement sabotaged by the seductive form on view, Kate apologised quietly in her head to the woman. When the rest of the attractive body emerged from the car, she was shocked to find its owner was her very married boss. She may not have recognised the car but she should have recognised the legs considering how often she checked them out. She ruefully chuckled to herself even as she felt something stir inside. Watching Caroline was better than any jolt of caffeine and her body was more awake than it had been all day.

From the safety of her perch, Kate continued observing Caroline until she disappeared into a small jewelry store on the other side of the road. She admired how well put together her boss always seemed and was curious to find what the enigmatic Caroline might be like away from Sulgrave Heath. Postulation about Caroline’s home life was an intermittent pastime of hers, and she doubted if Caroline’s husband appreciated just how hot his wife was. Kate had once met the disappointing bloviate at a parent-teacher night and it had only taken a few minutes to become completely mystified as to what Caroline might see in him.

Kate took a couple of bites of her quiche, the peppery notes clearing her sinuses. She had another sip of her coffee to soften the spices when the mobile in her pocket began vibrating. She knew even before looking that it would be a call from her mum. No matter how many times she assured her she was fine, she knew her mum worried and always checked in on weekends. Not in the mood for a long chat — she’d hate to miss the opportunity to study her boss in action during the weekend — Kate quickly texted that she would call her mum once she was home. She resumed scanning the street for another glimpse of Caroline. Not that she was a stalker, but if Caroline happened to be passing, then she’d happily enjoy the view.

Sulgrave Heath was a wonderful private school but it was a big shift from her more secure position at the state school in Leeds. It was Ginika who’d encouraged Kate to leave. Ginika had been concerned about Kate moving away from her friends and support system, but Kate had been relieved not to be continually faced with all their friends’ children as a reminder of her inability to carry her own to term. It had hit Richard just as hard, and their combined grief had shipwrecked the marriage. The split had been sad rather than bitter, but they’d come to realise that there wasn’t much left between them once children weren’t an option. She lifted her cup, cradling it in her hands for a moment before taking a sip, thinking about her ticking biological clock. She listened to the scrape of well-worn china as the cup found its place on the saucer again and turned her attention out the window to push away the dull, empty ache. 

Unaware of her audience across the street, Caroline discovered she was the only patron as she entered the jewelry store. Her watch had died that morning and needed a new battery. Getting it replaced during the afternoon seemed like a clever move to ensure she avoided her prick of a husband — due to drop Lawrence home at 4pm — while she was still so tempted to throw heavy objects at the adulterous shit. She was happy the jeweller could offer prompt service, but it left her in a quandary about where to go next to kill some time. 

Recognising the quiet rumbling of her empty stomach as she stepped outside onto the footpath, her attention was drawn to the little cafe across the street. It had been hours since breakfast and with the adrenaline of buying her new car wearing off, she needed some sustenance. 

Caroline crossed the street, entered the cafe with purpose and bowled straight up to the counter, focused on food and coffee. Kate had clocked Caroline breezing past her, the scent of Caroline’s expensive perfume lingering bewitchingly in her wake. Kate’s pulse quickened, as riding alongside the tantalising aroma came the anticipation of chatting with Caroline outside the school grounds. They’d never had a discussion about anything other than work, so she had no idea what Caroline would be like. She turned to watch her boss with open interest, waiting for her to finish ordering so she could flag her down.

Caroline gave efficient instructions to the pimply young chap behind the counter before pivoting on her heels to take in the rest of the establishment and look for a seat. It was then that Kate, waving an invitation to join her, caught Caroline’s eye. Caroline smiled and waved back, and walked over to give Kate a proper hello. Caroline was secretly pleased to have someone to sit with, even if only for a few minutes. The endorphins from having just bought the Jeep were still galloping through her veins and she wasn’t entirely sure she could contain her excitement.

A keen observer of all things Caroline, Kate could tell there had been something different about her boss during the last few days. Her step had been less sure walking down the aisle during assembly yesterday, and she looked like she hadn’t been sleeping well. Today, however, she looked much more spritely. Kate was inclined to ask about it but the thought disappeared in a flash of distraction as Caroline removed her suit jacket and hung it over the back of her chair. She was wearing a soft pink blouse that pulled a little tightly over her chest and Kate’s eyes were drawn down the gentle line of exposed flesh towards its nadir. There was the added bonus of one less button in use than usual and Kate was trying desperately not to be mesmerised by the enticing cleavage on display, dragging her eyes up to Caroline’s face only a millisecond before Caroline would have noticed. Blinking rapidly, she shifted nervously in her seat while Caroline settled into hers.

“Fancy meeting you here at this hour. Late lunch?” Caroline asked, feeling a little awkward as her stomach rumbled again, impatiently waiting for her coffee.

Trying to act nonchalant, pretending she had no personal agenda, Kate responded brightly, “I had a late breakfast so this just might be more like a really early dinner. How about you?”

“Just killing time,” Caroline found herself admitting. “I’ll have to get dinner for the boys in a bit so it’s just a shortbread and a decaf to tide me over.” In truth, the late night oatmeal biscuits had restarted her insatiable sweet tooth. She knew she was sublimating her emotions but she was too thrilled with her new car to care. She almost shimmied in her seat at the sight of it across the street, all gleaming and solid.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your Volvo? Did you get a new car?” Before Caroline could answer, the young lad placed her order on the table and Kate, hoping to extend their chance meeting, took the opportunity to ask him for another espresso.

“That’s what I’ve been doing all day,” Caroline chirped, her excitement obvious. “Selected, negotiated and purchased, all in a day.”

“Well done!” Kate almost clapped, but managed to pull herself back from this embarrassment. “It took me almost a month when I bought my Fiat.” Her eyes seemed to have a mind of their own and dropped down that seductive cleavage again before she quickly rescued them. She noticed a hint of lacy bra this time and it nearly undid her. She gripped her legs tightly, knuckles white with effort, willing her mind to forget. “Does that explain the outfit?” 

“Guilty,” Caroline confessed. “You know what salesmen are like...”

Kate nodded slowly before allowing herself to look appreciatively at Caroline’s clothes, enjoying how the expensive cloth was filled by the curves underneath. Reflexively she swallowed before jumping onto the topic of the car again to avoid making a total git of herself. “I thought it looked brand spanking new. It’s impressive. Did you trade in your Volvo, or John’s car, or did you keep one for William?” Thrashing her way through her discomfort, Kate jumped into fairly personal questions but to her relief, Caroline didn’t seem to notice. 

“John’s old wreck? I don’t imagine they’d give him a quid for that mobile rubbish tip but John loves it. Says it keeps him real. Misguided idiot.” She’d meant the last bit to be unspoken but as soon as it was out there she knew she couldn't take it back. She took a sip of her coffee to regroup before continuing, although traces of sarcasm bled through. “He says it gives him the everyman view of the world to channel into his writing.” She looked up again at Kate, adding more cheerfully, “William won’t need a car until after university so I traded mine in.”

Kate was enjoying seeing this side of Caroline and wanted to know more without appearing to be nosy, so she shifted the conversation back to the car. “What’s it like driving something that big?”

“Parking it was a little intimidating,” Caroline confessed with a self-deprecating laugh.

“I noticed,” Kate cajoled as she gave Caroline a sly smile.

Caroline chuckled and nodded wistfully. “It is nice to be up that high though. It has its advantages,” Caroline continued, a vision of the woman’s sensuous legs in the convertible popping into her mind. She shook her head quickly to clear that little recollection. “It feels safer somehow, like I’m more in control.” Caroline slowed her words as she spoke, realising just how much her need for control was controlling her at present.

“Bet it will come in handy soon when you’re ferrying William to and from university,” Kate said with a smile. She always smiled when she thought about William as he was one of her favourite students, not just because he was a link to Caroline, but because he was so smart and considerate.

“I’m in a bit of denial about that; it’s coming way too quickly for my comfort,” Caroline conceded. “I just don’t know where the last 18 years have gone. Seems like only yesterday we were chasing him around in his paddling pool.” She dropped her eyes to her coffee, temporarily lost in a fog of memory.

“You and John must be very proud.” Recognising Kate wasn’t giving lip service, Caroline beamed in response.

The rattle of an approaching cup on its saucer heralded the arrival of Kate’s coffee before Caroline could answer. They both sat back and waited for Kate to be served, which gave them a moment to pause. There was an inchoate sense that they liked one another but the possibility of a more genuine connection lay just beyond reach. Caroline nibbled on her biscuit before jumping in to breach the slightly awkward silence.

“I always marvel at people who can drink regular coffee at this hour of the day. I’d be up all night if I did that,” Caroline shared. She had visions of even less sleep than she was currently getting and her body momentarily sagged.

“Caffeine has never bothered me.” Kate grinned, poking a little at her boss “Of course, I’m hoping to finish my marking tonight so I can have tomorrow off — the extra caffeine might be really welcome.” 

Caroline snorted. “I’ll think of you tonight while I’m reworking the budget for the sports department for next term.” 

Kate’s gaze bore into Caroline, her mind a whirlpool trying to interpret additional layers of meaning in the simple line. 

Caroline continued on obliviously. “I don’t remember the last time I had a totally free day. I’ll take Lawrence to his rugby and then it will be the endless housework.” She finished her coffee and shifted in her seat. “Speaking of which, I’d better go.” 

Caroline stood, a hand brushing crumbs off her skirt while Kate looked on, trying not to imagine her own hand in its place. Caroline pulled her jacket snuggly into place before picking up her handbag. “It was lovely to see you Kate. I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow.”

Kate was so distracted that she had to vigorously shake herself back to the present. She sprang out of her chair, trying to remain on a somewhat even footing with her boss. “Thank you. Good luck with your budget.”

“Thank you Kate. I’ll see you on Monday. Bye bye.” 

One minute Caroline was there, and the next she was gone, the door closing slowly in her wake as if it too felt the loss of her presence as acutely as Kate. Kate watched Caroline dash across the road to her shiny black car, blonde hair flying in the breeze.

Once Caroline disappeared into the Jeep, Kate sat down with a heavy thump, her mind grasping at several strands of their conversation simultaneously. Unexpectedly, the dizzying effect Caroline had on her was even more pronounced outside work and she didn’t quite know how that was possible. 

Thinking about their exchange after getting home, Kate couldn’t untangle everything that had happened, but she knew desire had boldly trumpeted its way through the time she’d spent with Caroline. She guessed they had things in common though, so when Kate finally called her mum, she told her she might have made a new friend. A friendship was definitely possible. Highly likely. Well, conceivable. At least she hoped so.


	5. Requiem

William loved being part of Kate’s choir. Singing made him feel alive and his body thrummed with the music for hours after each practice. He’d been a member of the choir since he first started at Sulgrave Heath, but it had been much more fun since Kate took over as choir leader at the beginning of the term. Kate was enthusiastic and engaging and she made them really think about the music — not just the notes but the lyrics too, stressing how the lyrics often gave a voice to the social movements of the times in which they were written.

After the huge fight at home, the choir was one of the few things that would take William’s mind off it all. He hadn’t seen his dad since the selfish bastard had left. It still upset him. It would go round and around his head until it squeezed everything else out. He just couldn’t believe his dad had been so stupid. Why would his dad do it? It wasn’t like his mum and dad didn’t still have sex; he heard them every now and then when he was revising late at night and they thought he was asleep. It would almost be worth ripping his ears off if it meant he never heard that again...ugh! The only solution was to grab his headphones as fast as he could and be transported away by his beloved Florence + The Machine! And why did his dad think she wouldn’t find out? How stupid did he think she was? Selfish bastard. And now Mum had kicked him out. Served him right. William hated his dad for hurting her. She deserved so much better.

Kate clapped her hands to get the choir’s attention for the last run through of the program and William mentally stepped back into the music. He was standing on the stage, surrounded by the rest of the choir while they had their final rehearsal in preparation for the Yorkshire Schools Choral only four days away. The modern medley was strong but the altos kept getting lost in the mid section of Mozart’s Requiem and Kate was guiding them through it one last time. Watching Kate carefully for the cues, he found solace as he disappeared into the music.

As the choir started singing again, Caroline slipped inside the hall, resting against the wall half way down to enjoy the acoustics. She watched Kate directing the choir, the tall woman cutting a striking figure of athletic grace as she moved. Caroline stared in admiration, her eyes travelling along Kate’s arms and down her back until they reached the unmerciful distraction of her arse. Caroline had little choice but to let her eyes linger, mesmerised by the beauty of Kate’s motion while her mind wandered.

As the choir sang the melancholy but moving final piece, Caroline lost herself in thoughts of home. She hoped that she might be able to use the coming weekend — while William was away — to help Lawrence come to grips with the new family arrangements. He’d not been coping well and John’s lackadaisical attitude toward the boys was not giving Lawrence the rock he needed; one parent was not enough at the moment. It was easier with William. He was older and had a more sophisticated understanding of relationships, but more than that, William was so similar to Caroline that he could see through the facade that fooled so many others. He’d understood just how hurt she’d been and he’d chosen a side in the parental war. When he wasn’t studying or out with friends, they’d developed a habit in the evenings of sitting on the couch together reading, each slouched against an armrest while his long thin legs draped comfortingly over hers. They had their books and frequent cups of tea and sporadic conversations, both happy to be distracted and delighting in the other’s gentle company. Lawrence joined them, producing constant verbal responses to whatever video game he was playing, accompanied by the cacophony of tuneless sounds seemingly designed to grate on the ears of everyone else in the vicinity.

All in all, she and the boys were settling into a new familial pattern, but other than having to call on her mum more often to keep an eye on things when she had a late night at work, their life had found a new equilibrium fairly quickly.

Caroline brought her mind back to the choir. Watching the students instead of Kate, it was obvious the choir hung on every inflection of beat and tone, each one under the considerable influence of an excellent conductor. She knew William wasn’t the only student who loved the choir; Kate and the upcoming trip was a blessing to them all. 

As the Requiem drew to a close, Kate gave the students some final encouragement before reminding a couple of them to turn in their parental permission slips the next day. Then, as she always did, she ended the practice with her popular music trivia game she used to underscore the importance of the lyrics. She would pose a question and the first one to answer correctly received a point and the student with the most points at the end of term could choose a song for the choir to perform in the final concert of the year. William was currently in a three-way tie for first place and the competition was keen.

Kate noticed the students looking down the hall and as she turned, she spotted Caroline standing, almost hidden by a buttress. A shiver ran down her spine; how long had Caroline been there, watching her? The thought of being quietly observed made her skin tingle — the hair on her body stood to attention as if aware of every glance. She gathered her wits and nodded to her boss to acknowledge her. Thinking on her feet, Kate resorted to an old favourite of hers for the quote.

“Since Dr. Elliot has just joined us, I think today’s music trivia question will be in her honour. Who is the artist who said, ‘I fight authority, authority always wins’,” she challenged with a playful smile.

Some of the students understood the sly jab and laughed, albeit a little awkwardly, as laughing at the expense of the Head Teacher was a fool’s game. When there were no takers from the stage, Kate gestured to Caroline, requesting an answer. Caroline chuckled, playing along. “That’s an easy one, Miss McKenzie. It’s John Mellencamp, the artist formerly known as John Cougar Mellencamp.”

Kate grinned as the students looked stunned their head teacher knew about Mellencamp, and she saw Caroline’s street cred instantly rise for some. “Very good! Remember, when words fail, there’s always lyrics.” Kate wrapped it up. “Folks, that’s it for today. Have a good night and don’t forget the bus leaves on Friday at 3pm sharp.”

The students filed out of the hall a little quieter than usual thanks to the presence of the boss. As William detoured down the side aisle to meet his mum, he reached his hand out to touch hers. He gave it a squeeze as they made eye contact. She leaned toward him and said she’d meet him and Lawrence by the car in twenty minutes. Unaware they were being watched, Caroline smiled at William, the affection between them as apparent as the sadness.

The subtle contact confirmed for Kate that something indeed was off with William and possibly for his mum too. Kate had noticed he seemed preoccupied lately. She’d wanted to ask him why, guessing he was probably worried about his exams until she’d heard whispers a few days ago about Caroline’s husband leaving her for another woman. There were a mixture of snide and supportive remarks in the staff room, most running along gender lines, but Kate had managed to stay out of the thick of it.  
“That was a clever quote,” Caroline began as she walked towards Kate. She presumed Kate wasn’t having a dig at her, so she explored further. “Were you trying to give them a signal to behave at the School’s Choral this weekend?”

Kate smiled wryly. “I’d like to think they’re sharp enough to get that finer point, but I doubt it. Well done you for knowing Mellencamp.” She gathered her sheet music and pens and ambled towards Caroline who was looking up at her from in front of the stage. “You’re a bit of a dark horse, aren’t you?”

“A bit of luck,” Caroline admitted, as Kate walked down the stairs to stand next to her. “It was on the radio this morning during our drive to school. I’m surprised William didn’t get it. Glad you picked that one of his, and not ‘I Need a Lover’,” she chuckled. “My roommate at university used that song as her battle cry after a bad break up the end of our second year. Not sure what signal that one might have sent to the students.” Despite the droll comment, Caroline’s smile instantly disappeared and she looked distracted, which was even more unusual for her than it was for William.

“Are you okay? You just seem—”

“I’m fine. All good,” Caroline jumped in, not wanting the probing to continue.

Kate stood there silently, wondering what to do next. Caroline clearly wanted something. She was just about to ask when she realised Caroline was transitioning from boss to mum. Kate breathed a little easier and gave her a bit more time.

“Kate, I hate to ask, but would you please keep an eye on William while he’s away? It’s a tough time for him—” Caroline awkwardly waved a hand in the air, “—exams coming up, you know how it is.” Caroline wasn’t comfortable with the misdirection, but she hadn’t checked if William was happy for Kate to know yet. Of course, she also knew that this was less about William and more about herself. She hoped that Kate would do this small thing without too many questions. Now they were starting to get to know one another outside work, she didn’t want the blurring of the fine line between colleagues and friends to be difficult for either of them.

The first time they’d bumped into one another in a cafe; the second time she and Kate had actively planned to meet for coffee one day after work. This had been prompted by Caroline’s realisation that although she didn’t miss John, the potential for adult conversation was something she did miss. They’d been good friends at the start, even before John had become enamoured and pursued her with the vitality of youth and an obsessive, if cerebral, lust. Now their marriage was dead, she grieved the friendship she hadn’t realised they’d lost. He’d been her confidant when she was younger, before their relationship had been desiccated in the furnace of work and children and time.

She had friends from her Oxford days, but she’d never had the time to make new friends in Harrogate while raising two boys and climbing the ranks. Manoeuvring through the school gates the previous week, she noticed Kate’s car in the staff car park and remembered how much she enjoyed bumping into Kate in that little café. Perhaps it was time to make an effort.

Later that same day, when she found herself leaving a language department meeting two steps behind Kate, she called out to her and when they were on their own, she asked Kate if she’d like to meet for coffee. Kate was elated about it for days but was beside herself with nerves as the day dawned. She’d tried on half a dozen outfits before deciding her favourite work outfit would have to do or she was going to be late for school. She managed to get through the morning without drama but could barely function in the afternoon and kept lessons light; not that the students would have ever noticed.

They went to the same café. Although the conversation stayed on fairly safe topics, it had been fun seeing Caroline loosen up a bit more. She was starting to reveal herself as William and Lawrence’s mum, rather than just the Head Teacher and it was a side to her boss that she rather liked. What had become intriguing, as they’d enjoyed their coffees, was that John wasn’t mentioned at all. To anyone else it might have been unnoticeable, but to Kate, the hole in the conversation was obvious. It was only a few days later the rumours about Caroline’s marriage began swirling around the school.

“Sure. Sure. Happy to.” Kate nodded a little too vigorously, trying to show support. There was a torrent of questions she wanted to ask based on her suspicions but there was no way she was going to broach the topic; she didn’t know Caroline well enough for that sort of conversation yet. 

“Thank you Kate. I do appreciate you keeping an eye on William.” Caroline gestured to the end of the hall and they walked toward the door, footsteps echoing among the rafters. “Is there anything you and the choir need for Friday?”

Just as Kate started to answer, Caroline’s mobile rang and her attention immediately flew to the screen in her hand before she poked at it with a finger. She tilted her head, lean neck and blonde hair moving with long-practiced grace to make way for the phone. “Mum,” she said, barely listening as she mouthed an apology to Kate before turning her attention to Celia’s demands.

“That’s fine. I think we’re all set,” Kate responded quietly to Caroline as she held the door for her to slip past, the tantalising notes of Caroline’s perfume encouraging Kate to breathe them in and she swayed as if pulled in their wake. As they said a silent goodbye so as not to disturb Caroline’s call, the gentle smile Caroline offered thrilled Kate more than she could say. She clung to the memory of it long after Caroline had sailed down the corridor, hips moving to the mesmerising beat of her heels on the tiled floors. Kate knew she had a crush on the Head Teacher, but clutching her music tightly to her chest, she was past caring. It was what it was. She just had to deal with it as best she could. 


	6. Tribulations with Triazolam

It was 4.30pm on an unseasonably warm Wednesday when Caroline stumbled out of the clinic onto the footpath, yelling, “Oh, fuck off!” very loudly to the dental assistant charging after her. The young woman was trying valiantly to get her charge back under some sort of control and failing miserably. That Caroline was tottering precariously in her heels — suit jacket and bag dragging along the ground — did little to staunch the furious language spewing forth as the blonde fought off the unfortunate worker.

Kate, out for her afternoon jog along the high street, spotted her boss in the middle of the fracas and came to an ankle jarring stop not far from the action.

“Caroline!” Kate yelled over the blonde’s stream of abuse in the hopes of getting her attention.

Caroline’s flapping arm slowed and she swayed like she was a little tipsy before turning towards Kate. Her face like thunder, she peered at Kate for several seconds before her expression metamorphosed into one of delight. “Kaaaaate!” She lurched towards her friend as fast as her dubious balance would allow and threw her arms around her colleague as though she hadn’t seen her in an age. “Kaaaate!”

“You know Dr. Elliot?” the frustrated dental assistant asked pointlessly, trying to ascertain how well this stranger knew her patient and just how quickly she might be able to offload the cranky old bat.

“We’re colleagues. Friends.” Kate leaned back to see Caroline’s face but Caroline’s body followed her and Kate took several steps backwards before she could stabilise them both. “What’s going on?”

“She’s had a root canal and, well, some people have a weird response to the pain-killing and anti-anxiety medications.” She pointed accusingly at Caroline. “She’s one; reduced motor skills, thinking, that sort of thing. It’s temporary. Dentist says she’ll be right as rain in hour or so.” She sighed. “At worst it reduces inhibitions and who knows what that’ll mean.” She thought the blonde was a right stroppy cow, but she was cautiously optimistic about dumping her on the jogger who fortuitously appeared out of nowhere.

“Oh. Okay. Want me to take her home? Is she finished here?”

“Nowt we can do wit’ her. You take her; we’ve other patients to see to.” The young woman almost skipped in delight as she vanished back inside the doors of the clinic before the poor sod running past at just the right time had a chance to change her mind.

“No flies on her,” muttered Kate, wondering if duty of care had evaporated as fast as that dental assistant, when Caroline started to wobble in her heels and Kate wrapped her arms more tightly around her boss. “Well, Caroline, what are we going to do with you? Where’s your car?”

“Mmmm. You feel nice.” Caroline, uninhibited thanks to the drugs, started to nestle into Kate’s embrace as one of her hands headed south to less prudent territory, leaving an embarrassed Kate with the unenviable task of trying to get some sense out of her boss. It would be even better if she could unclamp Caroline’s hand from her bottom and a brief wrestling match erupted. Kate thanked the gods that it was a quiet afternoon as only two people stopped to witness the entertainment — which didn’t end until Kate captured both of Caroline’s hands firmly with her own. Caroline, eyes unfocused, pitched slowly forward until her blonde head came to rest on Kate’s shoulder, the extra point of contact required for some semblance of stability.

Kate momentarily thought about calling John before deciding to head straight into the storm. “Where’s the car, Caroline? Where do you live?”

“Oh... Are you taking me home? That’s a good idea.”

Kate closed her eyes, wondering how the hell she was going to manage this. She turned her head to look up and down the street and spotted the large black Jeep not too far away. One problem solved. Next, car keys.

“Caroline, I need your car keys. Do you mind if I look in your bag?”

“Mmmm. You smell lovely.” She snuggled in closer. “Why didn’t I know that?”

“Bollocks.” Kate’s blood, cooling after she’d stopped running, was starting to warm again for an entirely different reason. This was not good. Good, but so not good. After their chance meeting in the cafe a month ago they’d gone out for coffee, attempting to bridge the awkwardness of becoming friends when one was in a position of authority over the other. There had been the odd rumour about Caroline’s marriage, but there had never been any suggestions from Caroline or anyone else that she was anything other than heterosexual. Until now. Kate swallowed hard in an effort to steel her nerves to keep her emotions in check.

“Caroline, I’m going to get your car keys out of your bag and take you home. Okay?” It felt like she was back in teacher training when she’d first had to deal with drunk housemates. Worried more about the reaction of her boss than her friend, Kate wondered what she was in for when the drugs wore off, or if Caroline would remember any of the afternoon. 

Kate reached into Caroline’s handbag and started ferreting around, thankful the large collection of keys was obvious. “Right. We’re moving. Come on.” Kate swung them around and in the process firmly grabbed Caroline by the waist to stabilise the swaying blonde as they weaved their way towards the car.

In their meandering fashion they eventually made it to the Jeep. Not trusting Caroline to stand by herself, Kate propped her up against the side of the car, one hand on her midriff while she opened the door. That’s when Caroline exclaimed, “We’re going on a trip!” and started singing with gusto, “We’re all going on a summer holiday,” which wouldn’t have been so bad if she could hit either the timing or the notes.

Kate snorted. She was trying to push Caroline into the car, which was more difficult than she’d first imagined. For a start it was a long way up and this version of Caroline wasn’t that coordinated or helpful. And secondly, Kate was trying not to touch Caroline’s body any more than she had too; she hated the possibility of anyone they knew seeing Caroline’s misfortune. The thought struck Kate that the human body really needed some convenient handles as she finally gritted her teeth and shoved Caroline up into the car. She shook her head, chuckling, wondering which dubious god had tricked fate and she’d been lumbered with the sweary, handsy, tipsy boss she was strapping into the seat. 

Leaning over Caroline’s body to buckle her seatbelt, Kate caught a whiff of Caroline’s scent and found herself in sudden close proximity with Caroline’s chest. She closed her eyes, trying to tamp down the sharp pull of Caroline’s physical presence — although Caroline wasn’t helping by continuing to belt out, “So we're going on a summer holiday, To make our dreams come truuuue, For me and you-oo-oo.”

Kate shut the passenger side door and tried to stifle a laugh. She loped casually around the back of the car and as she leant against the driver’s door, trying to wipe the smirk off her face, the thought flashed through her mind that a video of this would be a social media hit in Harrogate. Best get her boss safely home before that happens. 

“Right. Caroline,” Kate said, as she climbed into the driver’s seat and turned to Caroline. “Where’s home? What’s your address?” She was thinking of calling Beverley, always a good last-chance option, when Caroline substituted her address into the chorus. Kate grinned. Clever Caroline, even when smashed. As she navigated Caroline’s Jeep into the stream of traffic, Kate grew silent, her nervousness about driving the new car forcing her to concentrate more on the road than the woman beside her. By the time they were half way there, Caroline had run out of steam and was snoring quietly. In more ways than one, it made it a simpler ride for Kate and she was relieved when she turned into the drive of a large Georgian house with a well-maintained garden. She was even more relieved she didn’t have to parallel-park the black behemoth, which was gigantic compared to her Fiat.

She turned off the engine and turned to Caroline, wondering if it would be better to let her sleep. She sighed. No, Caroline would want to go inside, out of sight while she was like this. After more delicate manoeuvring on Kate’s part, she managed to get her inside and seated in an armchair in the kitchen.

Kate was disconcerted to see Caroline like this. Caroline had always been careful and considerate. When they’d met outside work, she talked about the boys and her mum, her garden and how much William enjoyed being in Kate’s choir. John was never discussed; he seemed to be out of the picture and Kate didn’t enquire because Caroline was so obviously avoiding the topic. But in this moment, unsure of what to do since it was clear Caroline shouldn’t be left alone, Kate felt obliged to ask, “Will John be home soon or should I call him?”

“God no. I’ll be fine on my own. I’ve been fine for weeks now.”

In that instant, all the missing pieces fell into place for Kate as her suspicions that there had been a major shift in Caroline’s life were confirmed.

Now, with her tongue loosened by the Triazolam, Caroline launched into a diatribe about John. It all made Kate very uncomfortable, like she was stepping into Caroline’s psyche for a rare glimpse behind the scenes of the official _Performance de Caroline._

“Bloody Idiot. What the hell was I thinking. That’s right. I wasn’t. Just wanted kids.” Caroline screwed up her mouth and mimicked someone Kate presumed was Caroline’s mum, “Get married, settle down, be a good daughter, don’t rock the boat.” She sat up and slammed her palm against the arm of chair. “Well sod that! I won’t be doing that again.”

“Caroline,” not sure how to respond, Kate took the safest tack, wondering how long before the medication wore off, “Would you like some tea?” 

“Yep.” Caroline waved a finger at Kate, having trouble keeping it steady. “D’you know what? I thought it was all going okay and then the little shit starts screwing around on me. Lying, cheating bastard. And I thought we had a good marriage...” Caroline slumps further into the chair, the breath stolen from her lungs as the depressing thought of all the times she’d been hoodwinked during those five months caught up with her again.

“How long has he been gone?” Keeping Caroline occupied, Kate resumed opening cupboards and drawers until she found everything she needed for the tea. 

Caroline tilted her head nodded mournfully. “Not long enough. I don’t miss him.” She took some time rearranging herself on the chair, eventually placing her elbow on the armrest and propping her head on her hand until her head slipped off it with a jerk. “The boys miss him. Well, Lawrence mostly. William thinks he’s a—”  
  
Kate distracted her with a mug only half full with luke-warm tea. Trying to act more together than she was, Caroline said, “Thank you,” as she diligently turned the mug in her hands with the focus of a toddler running a lunar landing, trying not to spill any on her outfit.

Not sure how safe it was to continue the conversation in case Caroline would be embarrassed later about it, Kate gingerly asked, “So you’re looking after the boys and John has gone. Is he helping?”

Caroline snorted. “Don’t be daft; too busy shagging his new mistress.” She slurped noisily from the mug. “Lazy prick hasn’t made the time to see the boys every weekend either. William’s all right but Lawrence...” Caroline let the line hang, unwilling to go there even with the aid of medication. She examined the tea and took another gulp before looking up at Kate. Her eyes drifted from Kate’s face down her torso and then stopped when they reached Kate’s bare thighs, the short running shorts revealing well-toned legs that seemed a mile long. She swallowed loudly. “You’re in shorts!” she exclaimed, like it was news to the wearer.

“Yes. I am.” Kate tugged at the bottom of the shorts, wishing she’d chosen her leggings that afternoon. “I was running when we met this afternoon.” She was a little apprehensive about the way Caroline was staring at her thighs. There was more than a hint of a lioness hunting a gazelle in her gaze. Kate moved to stand behind the kitchen bench, not wanting to encourage Caroline but a little delighted by the obvious enjoyment Caroline was taking from the sight of her legs.

Distraction gone, Caroline sighed and took another loud slurp of her tea, using both hands to manage the mug. As her arms sagged and her eyelids grew heavy, Kate watched Caroline power down — rescuing the mug before it dropped — and Caroline’s body melted further into the shape of the chair like a well-dunked biscuit. It wasn’t long before soft snores could be heard.

Even in sleep Caroline was attractive. Her thick blonde hair tumbled forward, disguising her visage but the curves of her breasts and hips were still lusciously apparent. Kate’s eyes wandered over the snoring form and her mind tried to catch up with the fresh information. It was no surprise that Caroline had left out large chunks from her narrative with a new-found friend, but Kate had already guessed the rumours about John were true after witnessing Caroline’s unusual grumpiness at work.

As Kate sipped her tea, she went over their interactions during the last couple of weeks. She’d assumed that Caroline was straight, and until recently, married, but today told her a different story. Perhaps Kate’s attraction wasn’t entirely one sided. A smirk crept up her face as she remembered Caroline’s hand groping her bum. And then there was that revelation about Caroline liking her scent, not to forget ogling her legs. Kate fell back against the stove, thankful it wasn’t on.

Unsure what to do this new information she believed she wasn’t meant to have, Kate put down her cup and headed back over to Caroline. Kate hesitated to touch her while she slept, but Caroline was likely to pull a muscle if she left her like that. She took off her shoes, trying to ignore the sensuous feel of her calves and feet in her hands, straightened her in the chair, and placed a cushion behind her head. When she was sure Caroline was more comfortable, she left her to sleep off the drugs.

Kate wandered around the rooms near the kitchen, never touching anything but getting a much clearer picture of her boss at home. The surreptitious snooping had an air of the illicit, which added a thrill to the exploration. In photos Caroline was beaming alongside young boys on holiday and in the backyard of some previous home, but there were almost none of her with John. The only one she could find was one of the whole family. Taking a closer look, she noticed Caroline’s smile seemed forced and wondered if it was because John’s arm was awkwardly draped over her shoulder.

Along with the immaculate kitchen, the rest of the house reeked of the order that was so evident in Caroline’s professional life. It made Kate wonder why Caroline might have chosen the chaotic John in the first place.

She sat at the kitchen table where she could keep an eye on Caroline, pulled out her mobile phone and read some more of Helene Cixous’s _Cigüe: vieilles femmes en fleurs_ while she waited for sleeping beauty to wake.

* * *

Nearly an hour had passed before Caroline roused herself from her nap. She felt groggy and tired, and her jaw ached. She raised a hand to massage her cheek despite knowing the pain came from inside her mouth. She closed her eyes, her mind trawling through the afternoon’s events, trying to figure out what was real and what was a fevered dream. She vaguely remembered seeing Kate that afternoon, but was valiantly hoping it had been a fiction until her memory of how she got home suddenly came back to her.

She cringed. She couldn’t remember what she might have said or done. Sighing heavily she leant forward, cradling her head in her hands. It had been a month of going through the motions at work while she resolved how to live her new life at home.

“Oh good, you’re awake.” Caroline was brought her out of her reverie with a start. Christ. Was that Kate? She hated to open her eyes, horrified at the realisation her afternoon of dreams might actually have been witnessed by anyone. She dragged her hands down her face as she looked up, and yes, there was Kate. In her house. Waiting for a response.

“Hi,” Caroline croaked. She cleared her throat. “What are you doing here?”

“I drove you home.” Kate arose, putting her phone in her pocket and sauntered over to stand in the kitchen. “You were at the dentist and had a bad reaction to some medication. Do you remember?”

“No. No, well... bits. Why were you there?”

“I was out for a run and bumped into you debating some of the finer points of patient care with the dental assistant. Hope you don’t mind that I drove you home in your new car. What do you remember?”

There were snippets she remembered. It was a kaleidoscope of fragmented embarrassments, which included her singing. “Did I sing?” The grin on Kate’s face told her enough about that. She groaned and dropped her head into her hands again. “Did... did I say, or... or, or do... anything, I shouldn’t have done?” Caroline asked, mortified that she couldn’t fully remember the last few hours.

“Let’s just say that you were very entertaining. It was good to see you cutting loose,” Kate offered. 

Caroline groaned, closing her eyes tight, wishing it would all go away. It took a few breaths, but eventually she sat up straight and looked at Kate, nervousness betrayed by the whiteness of her knuckles on the edge of the chair.

“I do apologise if I said, or did something, I shouldn’t have. I hope you can forgive me,” Caroline said, before trying to casually look at her watch to determine how long she’d been out of it.

Kate chuckled again. “You’re forgiven. Don’t give it another thought. You had a bad reaction to some medication. Have you had a problem before at the dentist?” Her instincts told her to keep it short to let Caroline retain some dignity.

“No. Not before. Nothing like this. I still feel groggy. I’ll call them in the morning and find out what it was.” Caroline shifted in the chair, needing time to understand what had prompted the problem, and why her response had been so... well, just so. Then it dawned on her and she sighed. “Perhaps I shouldn’t have skipped lunch.”

“Would you like a cup of tea?” she asked Kate, covering her discomfort just before noticing the tea cups on the counter. 

“I’m good,” she replied, missing the relaxed and free Caroline. She recognised her boss’ prim and proper persona quickly returning. “I think I should get going. Will you be all right until the kids get home?”

Despite Caroline’s groggy state, she realised Kate mentioned the kids and not John coming home. She frowned, searching her patchy memory to confirm if she let her marital status slip when Kate came to her rescue yet again.

“It’s okay, Caroline. Your _secrets_ are safe with me.” Kate said in her most reassuring voice. She could see the relief in Caroline’s eyes that were suddenly as wide as saucers.

Standing up, to properly thank her, Caroline noticed for the first time how warm and inviting Kate’s soft brown eyes were as they sparkled in the late afternoon light, causing her words to catch in her throat.

“I remember how hard it was when my husband and I first split,” Kate continued. “It took me a long time until I was ready to talk about it with my family and friends. If you need someone to talk with, I promise I can be discreet.”

“If you’re not careful, I just might take you up on that,” Caroline said, relieved that she had survived the initial embarrassment of someone outside her little family knowing John was gone. She wondered exactly how much she’d shared about it. She knew she’d spend the night piecing it all together; anything to avoid having another mortifying conversation. Then it dawned on Caroline that Kate didn’t have her car. “Do you need a lift somewhere?” she asked, before realising that driving probably wasn’t the best idea just yet.

Kate politely declined, insisting on continuing her interrupted run. She wanted to leave before Caroline remembered any more, and she wanted to be on her own to ponder all the unexpected events of her afternoon and what it might mean for their budding friendship.

Caroline stood, a little shaky at first, and then found her balance. She followed Kate to the front door and they said their goodbyes, each one knowing they had some thinking to do before they’d see each other at work in the morning.

Kate sauntered down the drive, using the pronounced roll of her walk to stretch her back muscles. It caused a ripple from her neck to her feet, and much to Caroline’s delight, the tightening and releasing of firm buttock muscles in tight shorts. It was a joy to behold and Caroline leant against the door jamb, appreciating the sheer beauty of such well-conditioned form. Kate turned and waved to Caroline who returned the gesture. As Kate started to jog towards home, her gait springy, an exquisite flashback crashed through Caroline’s head.

“Shit!” She gasped, remembering pressing herself up against Kate, the captivating scent of Kate’s perfume mixing with her sweat. And even worse, Caroline’s palm tingled as she recalled sliding her hand over those silky shorts, Kate’s muscular arse firm and round underneath. Caroline wailed, “Christ! Ohhhh, kill me now!”

* * *

  
_“So we're going on a summer_ _holiday,_  
 _To make our dreams come true,_  
 _For me and you”_

 _Summer Holiday_ , lyrics and vocals by Cliff Richard, music B.Welsh & B.Bennet, 1959

  
 _Cigüe: vieilles femmes en fleurs_ (Hemlock: old women in bloom) by Helene Cixous, 2008


	7. The Gathering Cumulonimbus

  
Perhaps it was the pressing need to relieve herself, or her need for a drink of water, or perhaps she’d just slept enough for one night and that woke her. As Caroline stretched under the covers, she heard the small pops of her body moving against the morning stiffness and felt the dryness of her eyes. Not ready to put her feet on the floor just yet, she pulled the covers up to her chin and lingered lazily, enjoying the warmth of her bed, her mind savouring a second of stillness before memories of Wednesday broke through the barricades.   
  
“Shit!” She pulled the duvet over her head, the mortification still far too fresh for her liking. She’d seen Kate the day after The Incident — as she now called it — and it hadn’t been pretty. She’d spotted the tall languages teacher in the corridor before morning tea and had desperately tried to evade her. Trapped by a sea of year 8 students, she had been completely out of luck unless she’d made a run for it. She briefly thought about pulling a trick from Lawrence’s playbook and breaking the glass of the fire alarm, but she couldn’t think of an excuse to justify it and one humiliation a week was enough.  
  
“Kate. Hi.” Caroline studiously looked out the window as though something captivating was happening with the fluffy white clouds in the sky.  
  
“Hi Caroline.” Kate, concern in her voice, peered at Caroline. “Are you okay? Is it—”  
  
“Better. Yes. All good,” said Caroline, her voice clipped and a heel jogging up and down like she was awaiting the starter’s pistol. “Thank you for enquiring.”  
  
“Good. Good.” Kate nodded, and kept nodding, trying to work out what she should say next. Caroline was so patently embarrassed that she felt she had to say something about the day before.  
  
“Look, Caroline. I know yesterday was a nightmare for you, but I just wanted—”  
  
Caroline turned her head sharply, terror leaking out the edges of her eyes.  
  
“—to say that your secrets are safe with me. No one saw; no one will know.” Kate smiled what she hoped was a warm, supportive smile. “Are you sure you’re okay? I’m happy to help, you know, take you to the dentist if you need someone...”  
  
Caroline stood there, panic clogging her mind for far too long before it spat out an answer. “Thank you Kate. It’s fine. It’s all fine. Thank you for your help yesterday. I hope I didn’t inconvenience you too much.” She smiled, but it was more of a grimace and Kate had to stifle a laugh.  
  
“Okay. I’ll see you around, then.” Kate turned and walked after the year 8s heading to her classroom, her smirk garnering quizzical looks from Michael Dobson when she passed him further down the corridor. She was still smitten but it felt good to have Caroline on the back foot for a bit.  
  
Caroline had remained where she was until Kate had turned the corner, and then she’d bolted to the safety of her office. She’d spent the rest of the day hiding there with a fictitious headache. The lie was so distressing it gave her an eye twitch and Beverley was upset enough by this apparent affliction to not only get Caroline lunch, but a pack of painkillers from the school nurse as well. That had made Caroline feel even shittier so by the end of the day she actually did have a headache, one she felt she thoroughly deserved.

* * *

  
  
The aroma of coffee finally registered and Caroline opened her eyes. She realised William’s day of revising must have already begun. Thank the gods for William. She rubbed her eyes raw and sat up, deciding to get on with it.  
  
On the way to the kitchen she knocked, then popped her head into William’s room to confirm her suspicions. He didn’t hear her approach under his bulky headphones while he hunched over his notes. It amazed her that her tender son had a penchant for rap music and black coffee. John always said those were signs the world might toughen him up at some point.   
  
The proud mum slowly waved a hand in front of him and when he pulled his headphones off and smiled, she brushed the hair off his forehead before leaning in to kiss it. “Morning love. Can I top that up for you?” she offered, noticing the almost empty cup. “How long have you been at it?”  
  
“About an hour. Decided to start with maths.” He loved how his mum loved him, gently yet fiercely. Noticing some sadness still buried deep in her eyes, he said, “I could use a break. I’ll come down with you for a few minutes.” He worried about her being lonely and wanted to give her a little company. Since Lawrence was still tucked up in bed and wasn’t expected to rise for a while, the added benefit was having his mum to himself for a bit.  
  
Once William retreated back to his studies, Caroline settled into the quietness of the house. She was enjoying Saturdays without John underfoot, and especially the quite time with William. Had John been about, she was sure William would have remained holed up in his room, and she would have retreated to her office, leaving Lawrence and John to the rest of the house. It had only been since the fight that she’d realised John had split the family in half, well before he’d actually gone.  
  
Caroline found she enjoyed camping out at the kitchen counter on Saturday mornings. It gave her the opportunity to casually read the paper on her laptop, and the hum of the fridge was the perfect accompaniment to munching the last piece of cold toast.  
  
She flipped past the obituaries and landed on the horoscopes, stopping to read her own. She held no stock in them but this time hers gave her pause. _People who are easy to be with are a gift. Laughter is restorative, as is the idea that you are accepted for who you are, no pretence or cover necessary._  
  
Her mind flew to Kate, the one person outside her family who fitted the description. Even with all the embarrassments of the last few days, Kate was forgiving and had obviously covered for her. She knew she was behaving irrationally but she was horrified someone would find out about John. The internal workings of their marriage aside, the external benefits were immense. He might be a jerk, but he was a clever jerk. It didn’t hurt that he was employed, published and oozed middle class academic respectability, and all of these things were vital to a middle aged woman working in a conservative school. The thought of not being married offered horrific images of loss of status, gossip and even worse, public ridicule. What the hell was the Board of Governors going to say when their Head Teacher couldn’t stop her husband from fucking off with a librarian? How boring, how useless must she be to be thrown over for a Librarian?  
  
She shuddered, grabbed her cup and headed straight for the percolator for another hit. Leaning against the bench, fingers drumming on the bench while it brewed, she took a sip before trying to calm herself. She was thinking about the Governors’ meeting the following week when the vision of Kate’s stupendous arse came into frame.  
  
“Christ. I really am a lost cause,” she muttered under her breath. How the hell was she going to bury this? Desire like this hadn’t come up for decades, since before John. Why the hell was it coming up now? It wasn’t like she hadn’t thought about it occasionally while she was married, but it had never been so uncontainable. There was something about freedom from marriage that had unleashed something. God knows. Lucky Kate was so... just what was Kate? And what was it about Kate that was pushing her buttons?

Before she had a chance to ponder Kate’s finer qualities, and what the hell was happening with the resurgence of her lesbian libido, Lawrence made an appearance. He asked to go to the bookstore for some new comics. She had no real plans for the day other than panicking. On a more practical level she needed to pick up a birthday gift for Beverley and do the weekly food shopping. She took the low road of distraction and bribed Lawrence with tempting new comics in exchange for help with the shopping. She headed upstairs to get dressed while her youngest son shovelled down some sugar-laden cereal like he hadn’t eaten in days.  
  
Lawrence enjoyed riding shotgun in the car and he played with the radio the entire way to Waterstones. As soon as they entered the James Street establishment, he abandoned her for the anonymity of the comic book section. His mum was well known in town and he hated it because people would think nothing of stopping her for a chat. It annoyed Lawrence no end because he had to be polite, _and_ it always meant a delay in getting the boring errands over so he could get back to his Xbox.  
  
Today was no different. The mother of a Sulgrave Heath student wanted a chat, oblivious to the imposition on the Head Teacher’s weekend — not that Caroline usually minded. When she wasn’t pressed for time she enjoyed the cachet her job gave her. In the early days at Sulgrave Heath, John had enjoyed it too — until he didn’t. As his books faded from the bestseller lists, he grew resentful of living in Caroline’s shadow, despite her care to not rub salt into the wounds caused by her success.  
  
Once Caroline was free of the over-eager parent, she browsed for a vegetarian cookbook for Beverley, picking up one of Ottolenghi’s classics. Birthday present found, she was walking past the stack of new releases when she spotted a large pile of the latest Roxane Gay book. She looked around, trying very hard to look casual about it. She wondered if it was safe to pick up a copy but it was impossible to be discreet when there was the possibility of parents about. She picked up the book next to it — some bollocks about airplanes and snakes — pretending to read the back of it while she completed a list of pros and cons about Bad Feminist in her head.  
  
Pros  
• It was written by a searingly good author  
• Roxane Gay was well respected and the reviews had been uniformly great  
• The prevailing feminist theory would work well in her current academic environment  
• It would be useful for bludgeoning sexist twats like Michael Bloody Dobson  
• It would be great for encouraging her students to engage with up-to-date feminist theory  
• It would make her look current, and with any luck, more youthful, than her 45 years  
  
Cons  
• Roxane Gay was bisexual and therefore other people might think SHE was bisexual  
  
She sighed. She really wasn’t that brave today. A crafty smile came over her face as she remembered her iPad; she would pick up an ebook version of it. She dropped the turgid thriller she’d picked up as disguise back on its pile and went in search of Lawrence. She found him with three comics tucked under his arm and his Game Boy clutched between his hands, waging a Pokemon battle near the checkout.  
  
While they stood in line, Caroline noticed two women in front of them in the queue. They were holding hands. It was so obvious, and they didn’t even seem to care! She glanced around quickly, and was a bit affronted by their casual disregard for showing affection in public. Didn’t they realise what it looked like? How bad it could be for them? It was just such bad timing and such a pointed bloody reminder. Christ, the resurrection of her dormant queerness was hounding her. It put her in a sour mood and she had no idea how to pull herself out of it. She was just not ready to deal with any of it.  
  
She took a quick peek at Lawrence and was relieved he was immersed in his game. She was even more relieved John wasn’t with her as she knew she couldn’t trust him to not make some snide comment about how a plaid shirt was considered lesbian lingerie or something equally ridiculous.  
  
She was thankful the staff behind the counter was efficient and as soon as she could, she hurried Lawrence out of the store and into the car. She sighed, the sense of safety as soon as the door shut was profound. She had not felt like this for a long time; the triggers for her panic seemed to be everywhere. She stared out the window, oblivious to the cumulonimbus clouds gathering overhead. She had no idea how she was going to manage her shifting internal landscape. And just how the hell was she going to deal with Kate?


	8. Eleven Days and Change

It had been eleven days, 2 hours and 22 minutes. It had nearly been ten days, 21 hours and 47 minutes but Caroline had managed to avoid talking to Kate that morning while they passed each other in the corridor by faking complete absorption in a report. Caroline hadn’t been at all interested in sewerage lines and tree roots, but Kate had been wearing her olive green shirt and it had nearly been Caroline’s undoing. The shirt pulled a little tightly over Kate’s breasts and when Caroline had spotted it, the undulations of movement combined with the raking light from the large windows had been mesmerising. She didn’t normally focus on women’s breasts, and certainly not at work, but this beguiling sight had nearly stopped her in the middle of the corridor. Mouth suddenly dry, Caroline had hastily buried her nose in the report, flicking pages like her life depended on it as she sailed passed Kate, ignoring the quietly spoken, “Hi Dr. Elliot.”  
  
That had been in the morning. At lunchtime Beverley unexpectedly scheduled an appointment for Kate in a gap in Caroline’s afternoon, apparently so they could discuss something about the choir. It took every bit of self-control for her to not let her assistant see her react to the addition to her schedule and she spent the next hour and a half reading and re-reading the same spreadsheet until the numbers on it blurred into a stream of digits straight out of the Matrix. Her inability to concentrate was unsettling, but what was sharply in focus was her own confusion about her sense of self, and Kate seemed to add a combustible element to the chaos. Caroline had no solution and that disturbed her more than she could admit.  
  
Kate knocked and waited for permission to enter. Not everyone did. Kate’s innate politeness was something that never failed to charm Caroline. She smiled for the first time since before lunch.  
  
“Come in!” Caroline sat up in her chair and took her glasses off, hands flat on the desk, readying herself.  
  
Kate entered the room and quietly shut the door behind her before sitting in one of the chairs Caroline gestured to.  
  
“Kate. How may I help?”  
  
“Hi Caroline. I was wondering if you’d had a chance to go over the proposed trip for the choir? I thought I’d pre-empt any questions you might have to—”  
  
“I’ve looked over your proposal. It all seems fairly clear to me.” Caroline looked down at the report on her desk, distractedly folding the edges of the top pages. “And you were thinking of using some of the choir travel budget for this?”  
  
Kate nodded. “I think we’ve enough remaining to cover it, but I might need a small top up for contingencies.” Her confidence while discussing the choir was apparent, and directly contrasted with how she felt regarding the topic she’d planned next.  
  
Caroline observed the choir leader while considering the extra funding request; her neat appearance, that shirt, back straight and arms tidily in her lap, knees together with her feet crossed at her ankles and tucked under her chair. Caroline calculated a quick cost/benefit analysis in her head as she took in Kate’s body language. “I think we can manage that. Send me an updated budget with that description and I’ll put it through,” she said, trying to put her at ease. She leaned back in her chair, business completed, a little more at ease herself now that the conversation hadn’t deviated onto more difficult topics. She’d even managed to get through it without putting her foot in her mouth and these days, with this woman, that was a plus.  
  
Kate nodded again. “Thank you.” She sat there, wondering how to approach the real purpose of her visit, her carefully rehearsed words scrambling in her mind the instant she made eye contact with those blue eyes from her dreams. Tension unintentionally radiated from her as she shifted in her chair.  
  
“Is there anything else?” Caroline leant forward, one arm sliding across her stomach until her hand settled protectively on her belt buckle, bracing herself for what might come next.  
  
Kate cleared her throat. “Well, there is something...” She lurched forward, “I hope you don’t mind, but I noticed that you don’t seem comfortable in my—”  
  
Caroline’s eyebrows fled under her fringe. _Oh shit_ , Caroline instantly thought, wondering how she was going to get away denying the obvious.  
  
Kate blundered on, her voice fading as she went, betraying her own discomfort, “—presence and I was thinking that it might be good to perhaps have a coffee or lunch or something.” She reached forward with one hand, palm up, an open gesture of support. “I just thought it would be good to clear the air a bit, and you might like someone to sound off to about John.”  
  
Caroline closed her eyes, debating with herself the merits of the suggestion, desperately stomping on her rising panic and swallowing her discomfort before it could spring from her lips. She sighed and her shoulders slumped. The thought of unburdening herself with anyone was her idea of hell, but a kernel of self-awareness clung to the idea of it, knowing she probably needed to discuss it with someone, and someone less judgemental than her mother.  
  
Caroline opened her eyes, hand shaking a little on the desk, and said, “Yes.” She hadn’t realised she’d been holding her breath but the admission was enough. She smiled, “That would be lovely.”  
  
Kate’s shoulders relaxed and settled back in her seat. “I’d be happy to listen, really. I’d like to help.” The excitement of getting closer to Caroline bubbled through her system and she rushed the last of it, blurting, “I needed someone to unload on when my husband and I split up, so—” she smiled broadly, “—so I’d like to pay it forward, to be there for you in the same way.”  
  
Caroline tilted her head, the generous offer all she could think about. “Thank you, Kate. I do appreciate it.”  
  
“Shall we say tomorrow, about 5 at the Valley Gardens rotunda?” Kate suggested, happy for the opportunity to get out the words she’d rehearsed. With the meeting arranged, she left Caroline’s office feeling lighter than she had in days. It wasn’t a date, not yet, but Kate felt a surge of joy, the expectation of it offering so many possibilities.  
  
The second Kate left her office, Caroline’s nerves came back with a vengeance. What the _hell_ had she just done?!  


* * *

  
Kate parked her car at 4.45pm, turned off the engine and listened to the metal tick as it cooled, relieved Caroline hadn’t cancelled and pleased with herself for finding the courage to reach out to her. She had spent a long couple of days hoping Caroline would get in touch with her after the dentist episode. She’d been so disappointed but guessed the Head Teacher was more embarrassed about it than she imagined. A smirk crept up her face when she remembered Caroline tanked on meds; the sweary, handsy woman was someone she missed, just a bit. It gave her a tantalising glimpse of who Caroline might be, behind closed doors.  
  
Kate looked out at the bright day, the warmth tempered by a cool breeze. She wasn’t sure how the afternoon was going to go. Caroline obviously needed to talk about John, but there was another story there too. Now she knew to look, she’d started noticing Caroline watching her when she thought Kate wasn’t looking. There was an intensity to it, a heat that indicated sexual desire. Kate was sure of it.  
  
Of course, knowing that didn’t make it any easier. In the real world, Caroline was still her boss and had made no conscious indication she was anything other than a straight, separated, single mother. She wasn’t even sure if Caroline was aware that Kate was a lesbian. God, it was so tangled! It was completely doing her head in. It had started to consume her, thoughts circling as she played with the possibilities in her head. She’d even taken up jogging again early every morning to try to get it under control; a couple of afternoons a week was no longer enough to contain the stress of it.  
  
Kate sighed. She stretched her neck and shoulders, trying to release some knots of tension before getting out of the car. Time to listen and learn, even if it was just about the ins and outs of Caroline’s defunct marriage.  
  
Kate wasn’t surprised Caroline was waiting for her when she arrived as her boss was known for her punctuality. If Caroline arrived on time she felt she was late, and judging by the nearly empty coffee cup in front of the blonde, she’d obviously been there for a while. Kate didn’t know that Caroline was sitting there, reciting the periodic table to herself as a means of calming her nerves. She looked up and gave Kate a crooked smile, the one that belied her nerves.  
  
They greeted each other awkwardly, like blind dates who’d seen photos but had no idea how to start getting to know one another. Kate sat and a fresh round of coffees was ordered, setting them up for at least something to discuss.  
  
“Hope you weren’t waiting too long,” Kate began, knowing full well she was early too so she needn’t apologise.  
  
“No. No. Sorry, it’s just a habit I can’t seem to break,” Caroline stumbled to explain. “My mum ingrained it into me.”  
  
“I’m sorry, what did she ingrain?”  
  
“Always being early. Mum used to say that being early gave a double advantage. First, you get to hear all the gossip and second, no one can gossip about you. I always found it helpful at staff meetings when I was teaching.” She smiled ruefully. “Now I just know the staff is talking about me regardless of when I arrive.”  
  
“Your mum sounds like a character,” Kate said as she took a sip of her quickly cooling coffee.  
  
“You have no idea,” Caroline said, hoping to change the subject. If she were to relax, the last thing she needed was to think about her judgmental mother.  
  
Despite the ice being broken, Kate saw that Caroline was still nervous. She was realising that while Caroline hid her nerves well, they were there if she looked closely; the subtle tremour of a hand, the swallowing once too often. These signs disappeared once Caroline settled in.  
  
As the subject turned to John, they found their rhythm again, and the companionship that had been evident from their first coffee. The data dump of his shitty behaviour was not very different from what Kate had expected. She nodded and hmmmm’d in the right places, and Caroline gradually let it out. The usual culprits of his lack of thought and care, his selfishness and his drinking were revealed, as were some of the workings of their relationship. There were some surprises though; Caroline wasn’t as bitter about John’s new lover as was common, and John’s ability as a parent and how well he played with Lawrence was unexpected. The most astonishing revelation, however, was Caroline’s admission of some vicious exchanges prior to John’s expulsion from the family home.  
  
“I will admit that I lost it. I was furious!” Caroline’s voice rose at this point, startling Kate. “He stood there, looking guilty as sin, and then had the temerity to blame me! I wasn’t the one who’d lied and screwed around for five months. Five months!” Caroline shakily drew breath, trying to calm herself before continuing. “So I lost it. I threw things—“ she looked up at Kate sheepishly, “—and I’ve never done that before.” Caroline looked down at the dregs in her coffee cup. “God I need a drink. D’you want one? I’m having a gin and tonic.” She flung a hand into the air, desperately hunting for a waitress before Kate could respond.  
  
Kate was stunned. It took her a few moments to catch up. She blinked a couple of times before answering. “Sure. I’ll join you with a G&T if you like.”  
  
The waitress came and then the drinks. They were well into their gin and tonics before Caroline ran out of steam. She sat there, shoulders slumped, looking a little defeated for a moment before sitting up straight and slugging down the last of her drink. She looked out at the gardens, the late spring blooms painting the landscape with colour.  
  
“It’s beautiful. We should walk next time.” Caroline smiled wistfully. She turned to Kate, “Will there be a next time?”  
  
“Of course. If you’d like.” Kate returned the smile. “It took me months to get my divorce out of my system so I could move on and if I’m honest, I had trouble sitting still in the beginning. I had nervous energy to burn.” Her gaze followed a bird flying low across the grass, a little distracted. “Would you like to meet on Thursday afternoon?”  
  
Caroline’s piercing eyes interrogated Kate, trying to discern if Kate understood the real source of the nervous energy she’d been trying to hide. Kate felt seen, like Caroline was aware of her for the first time that afternoon. It was intense and extraordinary, and terrifying and exhilarating, all at the same time. She felt alive in a way she hadn’t felt in ages. And then Caroline turned away, her blazing blue eyes scanning the clouds, her mind unfocused. Kate felt the sun had burned a path through her soul, and now it had set. How on earth was she going to keep this up? She had no idea, but not meeting Caroline was simply unthinkable.  
  
Caroline slowly turned back to Kate, confirming, “So Thursday, then. Here at 5?”  
  
Kate’s nervous excitement returned in that instant. The date was organised. Plenty of time to find a new outfit before then. But it wasn’t truly a date. Not yet anyway.   



	9. Forget Me Not

A red wine was really what she wanted, but it was only 4.30 and there were rules about that. It wasn’t the first time Caroline could see the merit in social codes that benefited the majority; she had made a habit of abiding by them. In fact, she’d conscientiously played by the rules, done everything asked of her and she’d still wound up single, headed for a divorce and bitterly unhappy. As she took another sip of her latte, she realised it was the first time she had acknowledged to herself that her need to live within society’s acceptable boundaries was no longer working for her.  
  
Since the cathartic venting with Kate, Caroline had been thinking more clearly about how she’d found herself at this particular crossroad, shit as it was. She was relieved she had a few moments to herself, to try to find some direction. As per her normal methodology, she took herself back to the start of the problem to see if a solution would become apparent. In this case, it meant going back to the start of her marriage. It reminded her that perhaps it was time to jettison her wedding ring; it wasn’t like their vows and promises had been upheld. She sighed dejectedly and glared at the Forget Me Nots so rudely blooming in her field of vision, irrationally choosing to blame them because she couldn’t shake free her past. They bordered the gardens, their vivid blues and purples lending a splash of colour to the grey day and she resented their exuberance while she felt so flat.  
  
She’d met John during the final year of her PhD. He’d been a breath of fresh air, someone light and agreeable. She’d worn earnestness like a coat in those days and he’d jollied her into outings that were amusing, cheesily quoting poets and Shakespeare and speaking of love. She’d grown very fond of him, and liked the simplicity of fitting in, never having to worry about who was watching, or who might report her to the Dean. After the stresses of various girlfriends and the subterfuge required for safety and sanity, the relief of something easy pulled at her. So a week after she’d submitted her thesis, when John asked, she’d said, “Yes.”  
  
She’d spent the last twenty years benefiting from the privilege of heterosexuality. She understood the choice she’d made, at the age of 26, to go out with a man. It had made life considerably less difficult for her in so many ways. The biggest factor was more fundamental though. John meant she could marry, meant she could have children without turkey basters and the like. It also meant she could remain in her family. Her mum, her anchor throughout her childhood, had threatened to never talk to her again. That old fear still overwhelmed her. She could see what that was like for her father and imagining her mother treating her the same way was harrowing. It had been less traumatic to pretend she was straight after that disastrous fight when she was 18, and bury any evidence to the contrary. She’d become an expert at the artful dodging of questions, something she hated about herself. Being a lesbian made her a liar, and she resented how that made her feel.   
  
So now, twenty years after setting herself up as a straight, married woman, desire was threatening her well-constructed existence once again. She’d built her heterosexual life, brick by sodding brick. And now she could see it all coming tumbling down: losing friends, losing her career, losing her mum. Christ, even possibly losing her boys. It was too much. Nothing would be worth that. The thought that any of these things might happen filled her with dread.  
  
Caroline was descending into depths she hadn’t visited in decades when a cheery, “Hi Caroline!” brought her back to the present; Kate. Caroline breathed deeply. What a blessing. She found a smile from somewhere and plastered it on her face.  
  
“Hi Kate. Lovely to see you. What can I get you to drink? It’s the least I can do if I’m going to bore you again with all the drudgery from my life.”  
  
Kate sat, chose a chai latte and waved to get the waiter’s attention. She smiled at Caroline. “So. How are you today? Dare I ask?”  
  
Caroline chuckled. “You’re game, I’ll give you that. Not many would come back for a second round.” She ordered the drinks and told Kate about the last few days with the boys. Gathering momentum, she launched into a blow-by-blow description of a venomous phone call with John at lunchtime, the topic of which was his failure to see the boys the previous weekend. Caroline’s monologue devolved from there into a general gripe about her marriage. It really was round two, and it followed the same pattern as their previous encounter.  
  
By the time they had finished their drinks, Caroline was itching to walk. She was too close to Kate in the cramped space and all she could smell was her sweet perfume mixed with a hint of sweat. It curled in her nostrils, enticing and distracting her from the task at hand. She needed to move.  
  
“Shall we go for a stroll? ‘Get some air’, as my mother would say?” Caroline looked towards the lake, observing the scattered clouds reflected on its still surface.  
  
Kate giggled. “My mum says the same thing.” She gathered her handbag and stood, following Caroline’s lead. “How about the path around the lake? That should be relatively free of children.”  
  
Caroline laughed breezily, stirring gently. “Now Ms McKenzie, are you avoiding children outside your work hours? What should I think of that?”  
  
Kate pretended to be shocked. “Why Dr. Elliott, whatever gave you that idea?” She chuckled, before wryly adding, “I had too many year 9s today. I don’t think I could face another 14 year old.”  
  
Caroline nodded and briefly dropped her hand on Kate’s forearm. It was meant to be a sympathetic touch, a small gesture of understanding and support, a moment of bonhomie. But the spark of energy that passed between them startled Kate and she gasped, her eyes wide as she stepped back.  
  
Caroline froze, hand still outstretched. Something had happened and she told herself she didn’t know what it was. But she did. She knew exactly what it was. She pulled her arm back like she’d been burned.  
  
“I-I’m so sorry, Kate.” Caroline was shocked at herself. The thought that she’d upset Kate was distressing. She quickly bent down to pick up her bag, searching for her purse.  
  
“No, no, it’s fine.” Kate took a step forward. “I’m sorry. It must have been static electricity or something.” She paused, speaking more quietly, “I don’t normally react like that.”  
  
“The fault is mine. I’m sorry. Really.” Caroline pointed vaguely towards the counter and said, “I’ll pay. Thank you for listening. I do appreciate it.” She nodded, spun on the balls of her feet and disappeared into interior of the cafe before Kate could stop her.  
  
So Kate waited. She collected her bag and stood nervously by the edge of the rotunda, waiting for her boss. She was kicking herself for reacting like that. It was instinct, and the one time Caroline touched her — medication aside — and she’d made a complete twat of herself. Who knew if Caroline would ever be persuaded to touch her again? A thousand doubts they would ever get closer rumbled through her mind, only to be interrupted by the blonde herself.  
  
“I should be going. Thank you for today.”  
  
Kate noticed Caroline was giving her a wide berth, clearly not wanting a repeat of the previous five minutes. Kate, not wanting their time together to be over just yet, pushed for that stroll.  
  
“Caroline, I’m sorry if I offended you. Would you like to go for a walk? I’d rather like to, if that’s still okay with you.”  
  
Caroline paused, peering at Kate intently, considered her reply. “Are you sure?” She watched Kate give her small nod. “Well, okay. If you’d like.” Caroline smiled, a little uncertain about how she should react.  
  
They set off down the path towards the lake at a slow stroll and with a large gap between them. It was a little strained again, but having negotiated awkwardness with Caroline before, Kate felt they could find their way through it again.  
  
For Caroline, an awareness of Kate’s physical proximity was a constant companion. They stepped closer on occasion as the path narrowed and each time this happened, the unwelcome passenger of Celia’s voice would trill some variation of, “It isn’t normal. What would people think! You should be ashamed!” Intellectually she knew Celia was wrong, but Caroline worried homophobia was so deeply cut into her psyche, so cleverly disguised, that she’d never be able to get rid of it.

To make matters worse, she was still madly shovelling eighteen years of John’s accumulated shit out of her emotional system. It was hard enough trudging through that, so trying to manage her own ludicrous attraction to one of her staff as well was lavender icing on a shit cake. The last thing she needed was for Kate to submit a complaint. Clearly she couldn’t touch Kate again. Ever. Nor make her feel uncomfortable. In fact, it would be better to never see her again, but the more Caroline thought about that, the more unpleasant it seemed. She sighed heavily, loud enough to inspire a response.

“Are you okay? Would you like to talk about it?” Kate watched Caroline as they walked, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. “My ears still work if you feel like giving them another bash.”  
  
Caroline snorted, turning to Kate. “Are you sure? Not had enough yet?” Her eyebrows rose, a little impressed. “My, you are a toughened listener.”  
  
“Yep. I’ve got 9F for Italian remember? I can survive listening to anything!” She laughed. And as she’d done so many times before, Kate steered them into safer territory until Caroline unwound enough to start speaking again.  
  
The early evening light played softly over them as they ambled around the gardens, the floral scents guiding them to a place more peaceful. A shift happened, a gentle change from possible friendship into something more real, fragile as it was. As they approached the car park, Kate pulled Caroline into a hug. It was a little awkward at the start, but Caroline eased into the soft caress of it, letting herself feel the ache of touch, just for a moment. Caroline told herself it was what friends do, clutching onto the idea of it, ignoring the swell of emotion that followed. They both knew this was the start of something unspoken.


	10. Don’t Stand So Close

It had been the day from hell. Beverley had stayed home with a cold and getting the other staff to spread the workload around was tricky. By the time Caroline closed her green front door, she was done in. She checked on the boys briefly before heading upstairs to change.  
  
Lying on the bed, forearm covering her eyes, she let her mind go slack for the first time that day. She sighed with relief, contemplating the rarity of having five minutes to herself, allowing her body to sink into the bed. Her mobile phone pinged. Grumbling, she reached for it on her bedside table. Freshly energised when she saw it was from Kate, a smile blossomed on her face.  
  
_Hope you’re having a good evening. I saw that Les Miserables is opening at the Odeon tomorrow night. Wondering if you’d be interested in seeing it sometime this weekend._  
  
Caroline nervously sucked in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. She read the text again, scrutinising it for any subtext. It seemed to be just a music teacher wanting to go see a new musical with a friend. The thought of sitting next to Kate, however — in the dark, for a couple of hours — seemed like a tantalising proposition.  
  
_I love that musical but can you really picture Anne Hathaway as Fantine? Don’t get me wrong, she was perfect in The Devil Wears Prada but is she up to something this heavy_?

Kate’s reply came quickly. Almost too quickly.  
  
_I read she is surprisingly good and there’s supposedly an Oscar buzz about her performance. Make you a deal. If she’s bad we can leave early and go for a drink somewhere._  
  
Caroline immediately imagined an upscale establishment, watching Kate in the flattering light, eyes following the path of smooth liquid sliding down Kate’s exquisite throat as she sips her cocktail. Caroline gripped the bedspread tightly for a moment before forcing her mind back on track.  
  
_How can I say no to an offer like that? I’m free on Saturday. What time?_  
  
Kate realised she was nervous waiting for Caroline’s answer to come through. She smiled as she typed her response.  
  
_How about the three o’clock showing? That way, if it’s bad it will be five o’clock somewhere so we can drink without guilt. We could meet there, or I could pick you up._  
  
Caroline considered the offer. It would be easier if she didn’t have to fight for parking in the centre of town, but if she had her car she could bolt if it became uncomfortable. Needing a readily available exit plan, she suggested they meet there. They said their goodbyes and Caroline spent ten very pleasant minutes thinking about Kate in _that_ green shirt before gathering her wits and heading downstairs to cook dinner.  
  


* * *

  
  
“How was choir practice?” Caroline asked her eldest as the four of them ate dinner at the kitchen table.  
  
“Good. We started working on a new song. I’m going to have one of the solos in it,” William responded with a proud smile.  
  
“Well done! What’s the song?” More than once Caroline had wanted to pop in on the practice just to watch Kate in action, but she refrained because she had no valid reason and she didn’t want to appear too obvious. A whisper of a smile ghosted across her face and she pushed the food around her plate, thinking of Saturday afternoon.  
  
_“Stand By Me_. It’s the song I picked for winning the trivia competition,” William said proudly.  
  
“You’re such a poof. Of all the songs you could pick you choose that one,” Lawrence started in on his brother, cackling as he spoke.  
  
To Caroline’s relief, William ignored Lawrence’s taunting, so she continued their conversation. “So the competition is over then?” the proud mum asked between bites.  
  
“We started a new one,” he explained. “Today’s question was about a song in 1975 which alluded to murder and nihilism. I thought it might be Pink Floyd, but it was Queen’s _Bohemian Rhapsody.”_  
  
Celia turned to her daughter supportively, recalling, “Good lord, I remember you playing that Pink Floyd album endlessly until it drove me up the wall.” William and Caroline looked at each other across the table, Caroline trying to hide a grin. Celia frowned at them, not understanding the joke, continued on. “Mind you, I preferred it to that song you played about the schoolgirl with a crush on a teacher. That one was very... wrong.”  
  
“Oh. _Don’t Stand So Close To Me_.” Caroline nodded, thinking about her own attraction to a teacher, letting her attention wander to Kate again.  
  
Unhappy at not getting a rise out of his brother, Lawrence took another shot. “Perhaps McKenzie took pity on a shirt lifter like you because she’s a lezzo.”  
  
“Says who?” William chipped.  
  
Caroline froze, her blood running cold.  
  
“Angus said Seb told him he saw her a couple of months ago,” said Lawrence with glee.  
  
“I bet it’s not true.”  
  
“It is! She always wears pants anyway. Total dyke.” Lawrence quickly grabbed an untouched roll from William’s plate, gleefully stuffing it into his mouth.  
  
“Special needs like you wouldn’t know that it’s not about wearing pants anyway.” William turned to his mum, asking, “May I leave the table? I still have homework.”  
  
“Beano boy,” Lawrence chanted at his brother, chuffed he’d managed to land the last insult in their fight.  
  
At Caroline’s nod, William got up, taking his plate to the dishwasher. His mum sat mute, oblivious to Celia’s chatter.  
  
“—noticed you’re not wearing your ring. I expect the suitors will be lining up at your door now. Bet John will come sniffing around asking to come back the minute you start dating another man.” Celia paused, waiting for Caroline to respond. After a moment or two with no movement from her daughter, Celia asked a little sharply, “Caroline?”  
  
Caroline blinked, trying to bring herself back into the present.  
  
“Oh. My ring. Yes. I took it off a few days ago.” She stared blankly at her plate, her mind full of a thousand things and none of them involved food.  
  
“Well, good for you. Did anyone notice?” She didn’t know why Caroline wasn’t talking about dating yet as there had already been a respectable period of separation.  
  
“Beverley.” Her mind was stuck with ‘Kate’s a lesbian’ playing on constant rotation, hogging her mental bandwidth.  
  
“Oh. I didn’t know anyone knew,” Celia replied again, frowning at Lawrence jamming an entire roll into his mouth. “Lawrence! You’ll choke. How old are you? Eat like a proper young man.”  
  
Caroline sat back in her chair, pulling down the shutters on her emotions, defaulting to her teenage defence to get through the next few minutes with her mum. She carefully put her fork and knife together on the plate and pushed it a little away from her, an unconscious signal that she was well and truly done...with so many things.  
  
“A few people at work know. I decided I’m done hiding...the separation. A couple of weeks ago, in fact.”  
  
“Oh. Well done. Is it time to look for someone new then?” Celia was ever hopeful her smart daughter could pick a better man this time, one with better prospects than John’s fading stars.  
  
“I’m not sure...we’ll see.” Caroline managed a smile of sorts.  
  
Caroline sought solace in her kitchen, clearing the dinner plates and stacking them in the dishwasher. By the time she had the kitchen sorted, Celia was tucked up at the computer while Lawrence waged a video game battle to beat all battles. She watched them for a minute, lost in thought.  
  
“Goodnight Lawrence. Don’t stay up too late.” She walked over and kissed him on the cheek, a grunt his only response, and then she gave her mum a quick peck. “See you tomorrow.”  
  
“Goodnight love.” Celia watched as Caroline turned to go, wondering why her daughter seemed so stiff, like she was holding herself together. She thought Caroline’d be pleased with the idea of moving on. She sighed. There was no pleasing some people.  
  
In the safety of her bedroom, Caroline sat on the edge of her bed, running her fingers over the rough linen bedspread. The texture was comforting. Familiar. She’d never really considered whether Kate was bisexual or a lesbian. She knew Kate was divorced and she’d assumed she was straight. Despite having the odd flare of desire for Kate, she’d never even considered her as a potential partner. Perhaps Lawrence was wrong. But what if that explained Kate’s reaction to her touch at the Rotunda?  
  
Caroline couldn’t sit still any longer. She went through the motions of getting ready for bed, regularly breaking from them to pace around her room. The agitation was making her heart race, the adrenalin bringing on nausea. Or was it butterflies? It had been so long since she’d experienced it she couldn’t quite put a name to it. She shook her fingers in an effort to expel this odd sensation as she stood, feeling lost, in the middle of her bedroom. Kate. Christ! Caroline groaned and marched to the bathroom sink, relieved the cool ceramic basin could give her a sense of solidity.  
  
Standing in front of the mirror, Caroline really examined herself. It had been years since she’d thought about what others might see: what a partner might see. She tugged at her pyjama top, revealing the pale skin visible above her breasts. She lifted a hand to caress the terrain of her shoulder and up around her neck, imagining it was Kate’s hand. Her eyes closed and her mouth opened slightly as her breathing quickened. She could feel Kate’s hand gliding softly up her neck, thumb reaching up to caress her cheek. Her eyes sprang open, shocked at herself. Hand shaking, she loaded up her brush with toothpaste and slowly brushed her teeth. She had no idea if Kate was interested. She’d not seen anything to indicate Kate was more than a friend. And Kate was a subordinate: a colleague. Caroline needed to get a grip.


	11. Arching, Leaning and Running

Kate breathed in sharply as Caroline placed her hands on Kate’s hips. They’d just finished a succulent dinner cooked by Caroline and now they were in the kitchen. They’d nearly completed cleaning up when the blonde caught Kate checking out her arse. She smirked and sauntered over to Kate, pushing the teacher backwards by the hips until Kate was up against the edge of the kitchen bench.  
  
Kate’s pulse raced. She could smell Caroline’s expensive perfume, combining perfectly with the aroma of Caroline’s own scent. It was a heady mix and Kate gripped the bench tightly, trying not to respond.  
  
“Like what you see?” Caroline’s smirk grew into a Cheshire Cat grin.  
  
Kate cleared her throat, daring herself to jump into whatever was coming. “I do actually.”  
  
An eyebrow rose under the blonde fringe. “Is that so?” Caroline challenged her. “We should do something about that...”  
  
Kate swallowed noisily, the flare of desire rising up from within.  
  
Caroline leaned even closer. “Would you like me to do something about it?” she purred, eyes travelling down to Kate’s nipples, tellingly prominent under the shirt. “I think you would.”  
  
Caroline lifted a hand, hovering over one of Kate’s breasts, waiting for Kate to arch into the touch before grazing a perfectly manicured fingernail over the hard nipple. She chuckled low and carnal when Kate hissed. “I think you are incredibly sexy, Kate.” She leaned towards Kate until her mouth was only inches from Kate’s lips, breath already a little ragged.  
  
“Would you like me to kiss you, Kate?”  
  
Kate suddenly expelled air she was unaware she’d been holding. “Yes,” she whispered hoarsely.

Caroline’s blue eyes darkened, stained with need. Her hands gripped Kate’s hips more firmly while her lips lightly grazed Kate’s. She kissed her with soft lips again, then leaned back to look into Kate’s eyes, finding them full of liquid heat. Kate craned her neck forward, wanting more. Caroline moved with the certainty of destiny, capturing Kate’s full lips with her own.

Caroline’s tongue seductively licked Kate’s bottom lip, causing Kate to whimper softly before opening her mouth to let Caroline in. She wrapped her arms around the blonde, caressing her back before sliding down to grab Caroline’s perfect arse. God she was ready for so much more.  
  
Caroline moaned into Kate’s mouth, the vibration catching them both unaware, momentarily causing them to halt.  
  
“Christ I want you,” Caroline gasped, the admission reflected in blue eyes full of lust.  
  
Kate’s sifted fingers into Caroline’s glorious hair and pulled her in tightly for a passionate kiss. Having successfully navigated past tentative first kisses, this time there was no stopping them. The kiss was a luxurious exploration of lips and tongues. It was wet and wild. Hands caressed and explored, hips moved of their own accord; both of them were hunting for more.

A bell chimed in the background, pushing irritatingly into Kate’s consciousness. She ran her hands over her body, chasing the remnants of her dream like wisps of smoke in the breeze, but Caroline had vanished, leaving Kate breathless and urgent with need. It was gone. She groaned with loss and disappointment. Kate rolled over and hugged her arms to her body. She loved and hated this crush. On mornings like this, her desire for her boss felt like an addiction, a craving she couldn’t satisfy. It left her jittery and out of sorts, needing a long run to find some equilibrium.  
  
Kate flung the duvet off her body and rose in a smooth, long-limbed action reminiscent of someone much younger than her 42 years. She was lucky her dad had been athletic, as she’d inherited his genes in that department. She dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, and did a few stretches to loosen her muscles prior to her run. As soon as she had on her running shoes, she bounced down the stairs two at a time and flew out the door.  
  
Jogging slowly to warm up her body, Kate had time to prioritise her day. A bit of housework in case Caroline came over, a bit of food shopping, and a couple of hours with her dad. If she were lucky she’d fit in a call to her mum as well. That left her a good two hours for deciding what to wear; plenty of time to panic!  
  
Kate settled into the rhythm of her footsteps, the continuous flexion and contraction of her limbs performing a moving meditation as she ran past the early morning dog walkers. She breezed by most of them, but smiled when she saw an old Border Collie walking slowly with a short, white haired man not far up the hill.  
  
Martin McDonald was at least eighty and still had fantastic posture, but his arthritis often played up and Kate would sometimes take ‘young’ Jock for a stroll, or collect groceries for the old man. She’d adopted Martin as part of her family since finding out he’d lost his partner Hamish to cancer. He was the only neighbour she felt she could talk to since she’d moved from Leeds. She’d told him all about Caroline and while he was a little apprehensive on her behalf, he was also excited for her.  
  
Kate slowed to a walk and fell in step beside Martin, dropping a gentle pat on Jock’s soft fur.  
  
“How are ye lassie?”  
  
“I’m well Martin. You?”  
  
“Cannae complain.” He chuckled, enjoying the greeting one they used every morning. “Whit’s new with ye wee lassie from school?” He was old enough to know that having a crush on your boss was not wise, but wise enough to know advising young Kate of this was not going to win him any friends. He adored Kate and was delighted enough to live vicariously through her. He envied that times were more accepting for her than they had been for he and his Hamish. He kept his counsel to himself.  
  
Kate beamed. “We’re going to the cinema this afternoon.” She could barely contain her excitement, or her nerves. “I’ve no idea what I’m going to wear,” she admitted.  
  
“The pictures? Ye’ll think of something tae wear.”  
  
Kate chuckled. “I know.” She wondered if clothing might be how she indicated to Caroline that she was interested. Just how butch would she need to go? And would Caroline even recognise it? She had no idea what clues Caroline might pick up, so it left her more confused than ever. She brought her mind back to her neighbour. “Do you need me to do any shopping this weekend for you? I’ll be going out later and I could drop it off about lunchtime.”  
  
“Nae lassie. Are ye seeing ye Da?”  
  
“Yeah. He was good last week so I’m hoping he’ll be okay this week. We’ll see.” Kate gave Martin a brief smile. They both knew that Kate’s dad was unlikely to be good two weeks in a row.  
  
“Guid luck wit him.”  
  
“Thanks Martin. Enjoy your walk.” She patted Jock again before striding faster up the hill, stretching her legs and shaking out her arms, which always carried her tension when she ran.  
  
Martin called out as he waved goodbye, “See ye efter, lassie.”  
  
She waved as she kicked into a run again, pulling away with ease. No extra jobs to do for Martin meant she had more than enough time to get ready for Caroline. Caroline. She couldn’t help the smile that leapt onto her face any more than she could keep the extra spring from her stride. She made it home less than twenty minutes later. Her day was off to a great start, and although she enjoyed her much needed run, it did nothing to alleviate her nervousness about how her day might end. 


	12. Less Miserable

Kate arrived very early to pick up tickets. She wasn’t going to risk not getting seats when she had the opportunity to sit next to Caroline for a couple of hours. She was much more excited about that than she was about the film, which was only to be expected, she told herself with a sly smile.  
  
She’d chosen two seats in the middle, and hoped the cinema wouldn’t be too packed. Knowing Caroline was likely to be early, Kate stood outside the front of the Odeon half an hour before the session started, expecting her friend at any moment. She’d realised recently that she could fake being relaxed a bit better if she had warning of her boss’ arrival. She shook her head at herself; yes, it had come to this.  
  
Turning up early did, however, give Kate a few minutes to plan her attack. Well, not attack as such; she had no plans to launch herself at Caroline, but Kate was wondering how to get Caroline to make the first real move. She was sure that Caroline found her attractive. The insightful day after the dentist proved that admirably and she’d caught Caroline checking her out several times since then. She smirked quietly to herself at the memory of it. She really was hoping the close proximity of the dark cinema might provoke a response of sorts. She didn’t know what was going on under that glorious blonde hair, but she knew what she wanted it to be!  
  
It wasn’t long before Kate recognised a tall figure striding along Station Bridge, shopping bags in tow. A flutter in her chest started and Kate tried to subtly walk off her nerves while appearing to wait patiently for her boss. If she was this nervous now, she couldn’t _imagine_ how bad she’d be when she was sitting next to Caroline. She couldn’t help the big, friendly smile that attached itself to her face and waited for Caroline to cross the road.  
  
“Kate! Hi.” Caroline called out as she drew near. “Have you been here long?”  
  
“No. Not long. I did get us tickets though. I thought I’d better, just in case.”  
  
Caroline smiled warmly. “That was kind of you. Why don’t I get us the drinks and snacks?”  
  
“If you like.”  
  
Caroline pointed at her bags, “I’ll drop these in the car first, if you don’t mind.”  
  
At Kate’s nod, they set off for the car park before heading into the cafe inside the cinema complex where Caroline ordered coffees and cake to go. As they headed for their seats, Kate was relieved the cinema wasn’t busy; Caroline was relieved there was no one she recognised.  
  
They settled into their seats, happy to see no one sitting in front of them. Each was keenly aware of the armrest between them and was leaving it for the other to use. They made small talk while waiting for the movie to begin, chatting primarily about Caroline’s shopping spree while Kate fantasised about what those work clothes will look like on that sumptuous form. In particular, she was delighted by the thought of slowly unbuttoning the new blue and white striped shirt, reaching inside to—Caroline’s laugh, short and sharp, broke into Kate’s daydream. She clutched her coffee tightly, wondering how she was going to manage sitting so close, now she was actually here.  
  
Just as Caroline was about to ask Kate about her day, the lights dimmed and the previews began. It took a few minutes for Caroline’s eyes to adjust to the dark and for her ears to adjust to the booming surround sound.   
  
After the opening advertisements, Caroline checked her phone to look up the running time for the movie and instantly regretted the decision to come. Sitting in the dark, hyper aware of how close she was to Kate, she wondered if she could keep her cool for that long. She’d seen the musical on the stage in London years ago, but had largely forgotten the story. All she remembered was the dark gritty tone of it, and worried it wouldn’t keep her mind off Kate. She risked a quick glance at her cinema companion, sitting there apparently won over by an ad for face cream.  
  
Caroline chanced a closer look at Kate as the flickering light of the bright, plastic people in fake, white coats promoted some goop fit for the masses. Kate had beautiful skin, sensuous and tempting. Her mouth went suddenly dry as the desire to run her fingers slowly over the hills and valleys of Kate’s face landed low in her belly. Shit! She couldn’t believe it had struck her so early. How the hell was she going to last another two sodding hours and thirty-eight sodding minutes! Christ on a bike; this was a spectacularly bad idea.  
  
Caroline sat with fists clenched, a smile fixed on her face, as she ran through all the reports she needed on Monday for the budget meeting. She’d managed to mentally tick off all her work preparation for both Monday and Tuesday by the time the movie actually started. She closed her eyes briefly; this was going to be torture.  
  
Not long after the opening credits, Kate took a subtle peek at Caroline. She’d been stiff as a board at the start, but seemed to be settling into the film, which was a relief, because Kate knew a pissed off Caroline was a disaster. She shifted quietly in her seat so she could see Caroline more easily out of the corner of her eye. She smiled as she congratulated herself on a smooth move.  
  
The story came back to Caroline in fits and starts as each early plot point jogged her memory. It wasn’t a joyful story, but it did have an excellent cast and the production values were top notch. She could see why the reviews had been glowing. She’d taken to watching Kate when the big productions numbers were on, using the distraction to memorise her profile, the shape of her jaw, her hair, her lips. God, those lips. She focused her attention on the screen again. She wasn’t going to make it all the way through if she kept letting herself become distracted.  
  
Unbeknownst to Caroline, Kate had been watching her boss out of the corner of her eye since the opening credits ran. Kate knew the score from the French ensemble, so let its familiarity give her the opportunity to study Caroline, although she was trying to be subtle about it. It amazed her, Caroline’s beauty. She had a face worth studying, and yet there was nothing specific about it that was patently memorable other than the piercing blue eyes and striking blonde hair. The delightful freckles she knew were under the makeup were a constant temptation to explore, her fingers itching to trace their way along the contours of them on the pale skin. It was the sum of the parts that fascinated, and Kate found herself beguiled again by the uncommon beauty mere inches away from her arm. Her right arm tingled at the thought. She shifted in her seat so she’d be even closer, careful not to actually touch her quarry.  
  
It was during the quiet scenes that Kate was unable to sit in the dark and listen to Caroline’s gentle breathing without connecting on some level. Partly she was enchanted by the scent of her, although she sometimes struggled to recognise it over the smell of burnt popcorn from the lobby. Partly she wanted to hear Caroline’s thoughts about anything and everything, and she could barely wait for the end of the film. She hedged her bets, and after Anne Hathaway finished the heart wrenching _I Dreamed a Dream,_ Kate leaned over their common armrest and asked Caroline if she wanted to leave for that drink. To Kate’s amusement and relief, Caroline wiped a tear from her eye and said how she’d bet her anything Hathaway would win an Oscar based upon that scene alone.  
  
The rest of the film flew by for Kate, the emotions of the film carrying her along despite her intention to forgo the movie and spend the time in the study of a more complex and less transparent character. For Caroline, the film was a salient reminder to look beyond the surface of her expectations. She still managed to devote quite a large chunk of the film surreptitiously watching the gentle Kate, so it was time well spent.  
  
As the credits rolled and the house lights pulled them from their escape, they turned to look at each other, each blinking against the light. A sense of expectation was humming between them, as each had silently turned the excursion into something more.  
  
As they exited the theatre into the waning daylight, Kate was desperate to not have their time together end. “Ready for that drink?” Kate was nervously hopeful Caroline wouldn’t have to run off.  
  
“After that story, I think I’ll need two,” Caroline said as she looked around to see if there was a pub nearby. Not seeing one, she asked, “Where to? I think the Montpellier is close.”  
  
After a short walk they settled into a booth near the back of the pub. Caroline smiled as Kate ordered a gin and tonic. She was beginning to know that it was something Kate often ordered and she respected someone who was consistent in their choice of drink. It was a sign Kate knew what she liked and was prepared to have what she wanted. As the waiter dashed away after depositing their drinks, Caroline asked what they should toast to.  
  
“To seeing the face of God,” Kate said.  
  
“Pardon?” Caroline squeaked. A sudden vision of Kate in the middle of an orgasm, head thrown back and body on fire, scorched through Caroline’s brain. She nearly dropped her drink. While she managed to salvage the glass, Caroline’s body responded with a heat she couldn’t control, remnants of the image still burning behind her retinas.  
  
“It was a song line in Valjean’s final bit. _To love another person is to see the face of God_ is such a great image,” Kate replied, watching Caroline react viscerally to some unseen force. She wondered if there was some religious connotation that had sparked the response, although she had to admit, the reaction did seem sexual. She contained the temptation to giggle, knowing it sat on top of a mountain of desire and she couldn’t risk unleashing that just yet. She refocused herself on the conversation. “I just might have to make a trivia question out of that one.”  
  
Caroline let out a thin laugh, trying to ground herself with pain by digging a fist hard into her thigh. She tried to breathe through it. “The students really seem to love your game but that might be a bridge too far. Doubt anyone would know it unless they’ve seen this movie. Although parts were stunning, I don’t necessarily see it as a teenager’s movie.”  
  
“So what did you honestly think? Did you really like it?”  
  
“They were able to do so much more with the story than they could on the stage. And it was so very well cast. I hate to admit it, but I enjoyed it much more than I expected.”  
  
“If you didn’t think you’d like it, why did you agree to come?”  
  
Caroline wondered how to answer that, relieved that her thermostat was returning to normal. At least there was some part of her working properly, but there was no way she was admitting she’d said, ‘Yes’ so she could sit next to Kate in the dark. She found a slender version of the truth instead. “I thought it would make an interesting comparison between the stage and screen versions.”  
  
“But you did like it?”  
  
“Yep. There’s a lot to take away from it. I hadn’t examined the theme that sometimes keeping secrets is necessary to keep good people from being doomed. That and the line _‘love is everlasting_ ’. Guess John proved that one wrong,” she said dryly. Looking up from her drink into Kate’s chocolate brown eyes she wondered how long she could hide her secret attraction for Kate behind the banter.  
  
“Secrets. Hmmm. Never thought about it that way before.”   
  
Kate gave her drink a stir. It was merely her way of avoiding eye contact with Caroline. She wondered if it was an opening to talk about their secrets. She really wanted to ask Caroline if she was in the closet but was afraid she’d scare her off. She was equally afraid to tell Caroline that she was closeted too for the same reason. As she set her drink down, she decided to try a different tack. “We’ve all got them. Secrets. I remember as a kid loving keeping secrets with my cousins. They were never anything big but they always made us feel closer. Who did you share your secrets with as a kid?”  
  
“The only secret I had was that my parents didn’t get along. My dad ran around on her and Mum was terrified her sister Muriel would find out so I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. It might have been nice to have shared it with my cousins. I couldn’t discuss it with anyone at school either. Mum fastidiously kept up the appearance that all was well, a real Hyacinth Bucket.” Caroline took a large swallow, surprised that she’d revealed that much about her parents.  
  
“Course the secrets of kids are so different from those of adults,” Kate said, hoping to go there but instantly regretting speaking so seriously when she saw Caroline’s face go paler than usual and realised she’d hit a nerve. She quickly changed tack again, “Sounds like that was an adult-sized secret she pushed on you. I’m sorry you had to carry that. Ours were about snitching sweets from the kitchen when no one was looking,” she grinned at the memory, “And reading under the covers with a flash light after bedtime.”  
  
Caroline smiled easily at the thought of how cute Kate must have been as a young girl. She leaned forward, swirling her drink, the ice clinking happily against the side of the glass. A sly smile reached her eyes.  
  
“So what other rules do you break?”   
  
Kate almost inhaled her drink, coughing and spluttering as the thought of Caroline catching her being naughty triggered a visceral response.  
  
Caroline, reached across and started patting Kate ineffectively on the back as if to dislodge the coughing fit. She felt guilty for causing such a reaction; she really had no idea how to flirt. As the coughing subsided, Caroline’s hand automatically shifted into a circling motion, soothing the remnants of the attack as Kate recovered.  
  
“Sorry about that.” One last cough and Kate’s lungs were clear. “I don’t know what happ—”  
  
“Oh, it’s not a bother,” Caroline cut in. “My fault for...”  
  
Kate looked up at that moment, gazing directly into Caroline’s eyes. It was then that she realised that Caroline was still stroking her back, the skin under her hand sensitised to burning hot. Kate started breathing faster as she drowned in Caroline’s eyes, seeing desire openly bloom in front of her.  
  
Caroline was mesmerised, the sight of Kate in distress overriding her caution, and now her hand was caressing the woman who had been invading her thoughts for weeks. She could see Kate’s pupils dilate, her lips part, and all she could think about was wanting to touch her. She needed more. She leaned forward slightly, eyes dropping to Kate’s lips, wanting to taste, wondering if they were as soft as they looked.  
  
A yell over by the bar snapped them both out of the moment and Caroline jerked her hand back as she sat up, withdrawing into her own space.  
  
Kate was almost crushed by disappointment. She was sure Caroline had been going to kiss her. She was aching for it. She sighed, the moment gone. She looked at her hands for few seconds before plastering a broad smile on her face and steering the conversation onto safer ground while they took stock. There was an anticipation of things to come as they both wondered how they might recapture some of that energy. They had a second round, and then another, the two of them trying to find a way back to that moment.  
  
It was after ten by the time Caroline stood up, careful not to upset the small table littered with empty wine glasses stained with red sediment and lipstick. Kate was a little wobbly too, but the drink had done its job and they were both laughing as they poured out of the bar onto the dimly lit street.  
  
They headed for the high street to find a cab, merry from tales of madness at work and stupidity at home. Shivering in the cool night air, Kate wished she’d had more on than her light shirt and the new waistcoat, despite the appreciative glances Caroline had been giving it all evening. She subtly moved closer to the hot blonde, hoping for vicarious heat as they strolled.  
  
The street was almost empty as they wandered past shop displays filled with millinery and homewares and hand made shoes. As they passed a boutique with a mannequin in a smart navy suit, Kate stopped abruptly and flung out a hand, pulling Caroline to an undignified halt.  
  
“Is that one of yours?” She asked, pointing at the expensively tailored outfit.  
  
Caroline peered at it for a couple of seconds. “Yep. That’d be it.”  
  
Kate turned to Caroline, eyes dancing.  
  
“You look so hot in that suit. I watch you... holy cow, you can carry off that outfit!” She laughed, low and sultry, a vision coming back to her of Caroline strutting down the corridors at work, mesmerising her with an erotic sway of hips.  
  
Caroline laughed brightly, pleasure at the compliment evident. She turned to Kate and her breath caught. Kate was looking at her with open desire.  
  
They froze, entranced for what felt like hours, both hesitant to move lest it break the spell.  
  
Kate watched the play of light from the shop wash over Caroline’s pale face, freckles only now appearing from under the makeup worn translucent at the end of the day. After her frustrating dream this morning, followed by torturous hours sitting close to Caroline and breathing in her seductive scent, Kate could no longer help herself; she had to touch. She raised her hand, ever so slowly, until she could feel the delicate skin under her fingers. She didn’t think she’d ever felt skin so smooth.  
  
Caroline’s breathing quickened and she leaned into the feather light touch. Kate’s eyes dropped to Caroline’s mouth, watching Caroline unconsciously wet her lips. Compelled to act, Kate stepped closer, and when their lips met, she closed her eyes, the rest of the world disappearing as her awareness narrowed to the softness of Caroline’s lips, the taste of them, the heat of her breath.  
  
Caroline pulled Kate to her, needing to feel her body. After weeks of frustration and confusion she at last had clarity. The only thing she wanted was the feel of Kate’s mouth on hers, and Kate’s lean body pressed up against her.  
  
The kiss, tentative at first, grew into a hungry exploration, messy with desperation and alcohol, desire unleashed for the first time between them. Eventually they stopped, gasping for air as they held each other in the pale beams of light thrown from the storefront.  
  
Kate’s fingers slid into the tousled glory of Caroline’s hair as she kissed her way down Caroline’s neck, tasting the freckles she’d been dreaming about, moaning at the pleasure of it.  
  
Caroline arched her neck into Kate’s mouth, lost in the sensual snowstorm that was blinding her. She couldn’t remember being this lost in a kiss, not for decades and she clung onto Kate, the only thread keeping her connected to the earth. When teeth grazed her throat a moan was pulled from the depths of her being as raw and savage lust flooded her body.  
  
Panic gripped Caroline’s chest and she pushed Kate away from her, lurching towards the shop window, desperate for something to hang on to.  
  
They stood there, breathless, each wanting more, and knowing this wasn’t the place for it.  
  
“Jesus. Kate,“ Caroline whispered hoarsely.  
  
Kate looked at Caroline with longing, trying to catch her breath. She took a step towards Caroline who held up a shaky hand.  
  
“Don’t. Not...” Lust was written all over Caroline’s face, but desire was losing the conflict she had with fear. “What was that?” She knew what it was, but she couldn’t quite believe it. She needed Kate to tell her what it was. She needed to hear it.  
  
“Caroline, I...” Kate started, not knowing what to say. How could she explain the hold this woman had over her, how she dominated her every waking moment? How honest could she be? Flushed with the success of her first approach she took another leap. “Caroline, I have a... crush... on you. Well, more than a crush actually.”  
  
Caroline looked intently at Kate and for the first time, saw it. Saw the signs that she’d missed of the yearning that underscored so many of her interactions with Kate. Saw for the first time the opportunity that lay in front of her. And the obligations. Caroline’s mind raced ahead, skipping past the present into the future, cataloguing all the possibilities.  
  
Before Caroline could say anything more, a cab rattled around the corner and headed towards them. In that instant, the urge to flee overwhelmed her. She flagged down the cab.  
  
As the driver stopped, Caroline turned to Kate. There was so much going on in her head she struggled to get anything out. She reached for Kate’s hand as Kate stood dumbstruck, shock and grief at Caroline’s reaction apparent on her face.  
  
“I need to think. I’ve got to go.”  
  
Caroline gave Kate’s hand a gentle squeeze and with a watery smile, she turned for the cab.  
  
She stepped into the cab and closed the door quietly behind her, leaving Kate breathless at the curb.  
  
Kate’s mind whirled at a million miles an hour, retracing every moment of the evening with Caroline. Fortunately a second cab appeared. As she settled into its back seat, a sense of panic overtook her again. Was it too much too soon? Would Caroline sack her first thing Monday? Did she get it all wrong? She had a reprieve from her runaway emotions as a text message from Caroline pinged on her phone.   
  
_Sorry I left you standing there like that. Text to let me know you get home safely._  
  
It was then that Kate realised Caroline was probably panicking too. Perhaps Caroline’s concern for her safety was her taciturn way of admitting she liked her too. Perhaps she just needed more time and a less public place. Kate ran her fingers over her lips, savouring the memory of the bruising pressure of Caroline’s lips on them. She knew that for the promise of more kisses to come, she’d wait as long as she needed for Caroline to be ready. 


	13. The Rhythm of Water

Caroline, battling to fully open her eyes, stood at the sink in her en suite. She had had a fitful sleep despite the alcohol she’d consumed, or perhaps because of it. Staring back at her in the mirror was a Caroline she didn’t fully recognise. Her eyes felt as dry and bloodshot as they looked and the lingering remnants of her make-up further highlighted how she’d had fallen into bed with minimum effort when she’d stumbled home. At least her headache was down to a dull throb thanks to all the water she’d drunk throughout the night.  
  
Less than impressed by what she saw in the mirror, Caroline gingerly reached into the shower to turn it on. As she waited for the water to fully warm, she stripped off and decided to clean her face. Bending over the sink to splash water on her cheeks, her breasts brushed the edge of the washbasin, the cold porcelain making her nipples harden on contact. She gasped at the discomfort, covering them with a warming arm, their tenderness a swift reminder of the desire that had been building in her body since she spotted Kate outside the cinema. Kate had cut a striking figure in her new waistcoat, not that Caroline had mentioned it; she was too busy trying not to ogle the way it presented Kate’s shapely breasts to bring attention to it. Them. It. She rolled her bloodshot eyes at herself in the mirror, wondering how a grown woman found herself in this situation.  
  
She finished washing her face and stepped into the warmth of the shower. Closing her eyes, the vision of Kate from the night before painted itself onto the back of her eyelids. Caroline gripped the cool tiles while the heat from Kate’s desire fired up every cell in her body.  
  
It had been like this all night. She’d undressed and collapsed on the bed, grateful for the alcohol coursing through her system dulling her senses to her sharp desire, but as it had worn off, she’d replayed every second of the evening’s close. Her dreams had been filled with Kate; kissing Kate, touching Kate, being touched. She had been irrevocably turned on and it unsettled her. Just the thought of Kate caused her blood to flow south and slick moisture pooled between her legs.  
  
As she washed her hair, she was aware of the smooth slide of soap bubbles down her shoulders and torso. Showers were normally functional rather than erotic, but today, all she could feel was Kate’s fingers cascading over her body. The longer she stood under the running water, the more she fantasised about what would have happened if she hadn’t stopped it when she did. The kissing had been arousing enough, but when Kate had caressed her neck with her lips and teeth, Caroline had been ready for anything. The more she thought about where it could have headed, the stronger her body throbbed, wanting urgent contact. Needing contact.  
  
Seeking release, she reached for the showerhead and removed it from its cradle, fumbling with its dial to make the water pulse before moving it down between her legs. In a flash she was back on that dark street, coloured lights skating over smooth dark skin as she pushed Kate up against the shop window. The cool of the glass felt ceramic under her fingers as she imagined her hand seeking the soft flesh of Kate’s breast, Kate’s nipple hard and her response electrifying. The sounds Kate made as Caroline played with her nipple made Caroline’s hips move. She could feel Kate’s hands scrabbling to open Caroline’s belt, then the jeans, until Kate’s long fingers slipped into her knickers, reaching though soft curls until they found Caroline’s wetness. Hips moving to match the rhythm of Kate’s fingers, Caroline arched into the contact, feeling the steam of Kate’s breath on her neck, Kate’s hand on her breast, Kate’s fingers pushing her to the edge. It wasn’t long before Caroline cried out “Kaaate,” gasping for air while her body, rigid and shaking with ecstasy, found its way home. It took a few moments, but Caroline gradually brought herself back to the bathroom, grateful that after so many false starts in her dreaming, she had finally managed to relieve some of her tension.  
  
When she stepped out of the shower, it was with more mental clarity than she’d had all night, but it wasn’t until she was drying herself with the fluffy towel that she remembered that she needed to rescue her car. She screwed up her face. The thought of retracing her steps so literally and so soon after the night before offered mental complications she would rather avoid. She even contemplated calling Kate to meet her, but quickly dispensed with the idea. What on earth would she say? She could feel the blush warming up her chest at the thought of it. Was she going to be able to look Kate in the eye without blushing? Would Kate be able to tell she’d thought of her when she masturbated this morning? God, she had no idea what she was doing but she recognised the animal magnetism of Kate was growing stronger.   


* * *

  
  
It was midday when Caroline returned from collecting the Jeep to find John’s car in her preferred spot on the drive. The sight of it mercilessly drained thoughts of Kate from her consciousness in an instant. She intentionally pulled in close beside the green heap to make it tight for him to get into the driver’s side; if she was going to be inconvenienced by his pile of junk, she was going to goad him with her shiny new car.  
  
She couldn’t fathom what he was doing in the house. She was not sure what to expect but presumed he was up to no good. To her knowledge, he hadn’t been inside since their blow-up. She took a few deep breaths to calm her rising anger as she entered. She didn’t want him there. It had taken her weeks to find some sort of accommodation with her lot, to manage the humiliation of being cuckolded by him. She was only just starting to have some tenuous grasp on her new sense of self and Kate had shredded it the previous night. She felt scattered to the wind, grasping at the wisps of smoke of her identity. She didn’t feel solid enough to grapple with old enemies on battlefields she’d left behind. She gritted her teeth, tapping the steering wheel with her hands as she pulled her shield tightly around herself. With a heavy sigh she grabbed her bag and entered the fray.  
  
Without having to look hard, she spotted John in the family room, with his back to her. The boys were on the couch, engrossed in a Mario Cart game. When no one acknowledged her presence, she emotionlessly made it known.   
  
“John.”  
  
Startled, he turned to her, looking as guilty as a thief caught in the shadows of the night, clutching a black plastic garbage bag stuffed with God knows what.  
  
“You mad cc…” John swallowed the next few words for the benefit of his sons who stopped their game, taking it all in with terrified expressions, civilians who’d wandered unwittingly into the war zone, likely to be collateral damage. “Where’s my stuff?”  
  
“I chucked the lot of it,” she paused, hoping to give him the impression it was all gone, and a frisson of spiteful joy rushed through her as she watched his face fall. Seeing her words have the desired effect, she continued with a sly smile. “Relax. It’s all in the spare room. Help yourself. I can give you a box or two if you prefer...wouldn’t want to see that flimsy bag break on the drive before you get it into your car.”  
  
Caroline breezed past him and went into the kitchen to see if he’d removed anything from there she cared about. Seeing nothing out of place, she pulled a glass out of the cabinet and she filled it with water from the tap. She could feel the edges of her hangover resurfacing and decided she needed to rehydrate if she had to contend with John much longer. By the time she’d finished her drink, he’d come back, dragging a second bag of what she assumed was clothing behind him. She followed him down the hallway to the front door, enjoying watching him struggle with the bags, silently wondering when he lost his dignity and why she hadn’t noticed before. She wanted to tease him about them being his classy matching set of luggage but decided against it as she didn’t want to prolong his sortie. She wouldn’t have minded if he took all his things; she just hoped he’d taken enough with him so he wouldn’t be back anytime soon.  
  
She intended to get his house key from him but before she had a chance to ask him for it, he started down the steps only to stop as her brand-spanking new Jeep registered with him. He had heard about it from the boys but hadn’t seen it until that moment. He realised how pathetic his dumpy BMW looked sitting next to the black behemoth, causing a wave of impotency to wash over him.  
  
“You are fff...unbelievable. How much did you get for the Volvo?” he roared. “The minute I’m gone you go and do this, without consulting me!”  
  
“Don’t. Don’t even go there.” Caroline could feel her blood beginning to boil and paused before speaking again, trying to remain calm and play it strategically. “I’m not sure how you think you still have any say where I’m concerned,” she sniped, eyes narrowing as she crossed her arms.  
  
“I can’t believe you bought American! There was nothing wrong with the Volvo. Did you ever think I might have wanted it instead of mine?” Caroline could see the anger draining from his face as he spoke, his voice lifting into a well-known whine. She wondered what was causing the shift in him. Whenever they’d fought in the past, he had usually held out longer but not this time. The tires on his indignation were deflating quickly.   
  
“Again, I’m not sure where you think you’d have that right, after going off with her. You’ve made your choice.” She noticed him wince as her words slid into his chest like daggers. She thought she spied a look of contrition under the days old stubble that was looking far more grey and white than before he left. After all their years together, she could read his body language and knew his sad, defeated look. Before he had a chance to say anything, she told him bluntly that if he wanted anymore of his things he could text or email her the list and she’d pack it up for him to save him the trouble. She turned and headed back into the house, the green door a modern portcullis that kept out the unwanted elements closing with a resounding thud behind her.  
  
After debriefing the boys about their visit with their dad, she set off to see how much John had left in the guest room. Passing Lawrence’s room, she got a strong whiff of teenage boy and decided it was time to shovel out all his piles of dirty clothes and change his bed sheets. Already feeling grimy from the encounter with John, she moved to the linen closet to grab the laundry basket. While she was standing there, scratching her head, William came up the stairs.  
  
“Everything all right?”  
  
“I think I’m going crazy. What happened to all the toilet paper I just bought? You don’t think Lawrence has eaten it, do you? An eight-pack can’t just disappear in a couple of days.”  
  
“I pulled a roll from it for our bathroom yesterday and tucked a second one under our sink,” William responded. “There were six left.”  
  
“You don’t think your dad…” It was such an absurd thought Caroline couldn’t even finish it. She shook her head, embarrassed for having started down that path until William picked up where she left off.  
  
“He was complaining after Judith texted him to pick up some things on the way back. He did mention wine and loo roll specifically.” She noticed William’s face turn red but couldn’t tell if it was anger or disappointment. “Are you going to say anything to him?”  
  
“It’s not worth it,” she said as she pulled him into a hug. As they parted, she quipped for William’s benefit, “Besides, he’s her pain in the arse now, so maybe she needs it more.”  
  
With the clothes that formerly carpeted Lawrence’s room spinning away in the machine, Caroline turned on the kettle and settled onto a kitchen stool to let her thoughts drift back to Kate. She was just starting to remember the delicious texture of Kate’s skin under her fingers when Celia let herself in with little fanfare and headed to the kitchen. Caroline rued the intrusion; she preferred to be alone with her thoughts of Kate.  
  
“Was that John’s car? Did he actually spend time with the boys? Where were you all yesterday?” Celia’s questions came in rapid-fire succession, without pausing long enough for Caroline to respond.  
  
Used to her mother’s strategic bombardment, Caroline mentally unpacked the questions one at a time. “Let’s see. Yes—thought the car was obvious. Yes, he took them to Bridlington for the night. He’s still not taken them to the flat he shares with Judith.” She shifted in her chair, uneasy with the discussion of Judith and her potentially meeting the boys. “Can’t tell if he’s protecting them from her or the other way around but my guess is, he’s still not going to win father of the year anytime soon. Want a brew?” Caroline hoped to distract her mum from the fact she didn’t answer her last question.  
  
Celia nodded. She was hoping for a cup of tea and a chance to spend a little time with her daughter. “Have the boys even met her yet?”  
  
“Nope. I thought they would have by now, but who knows. I’m certainly not going to ask. I suspect he’s finding that greener grass still needs mowing.” She smiled slightly at the pun, her mind instantly flitting to the thought of Kate mowing hers and she squirmed a little in her seat as her morning activities flashed through her mind, until Celia pulled her back to the present.  
  
“As I learned from watching your father flit about, eventually mowing that new lawn gets old. Hope he’s not sniffing around you again.”  
  
“No. No, just removing some of his stuff and a few…toiletries shall we say,” Caroline responded with a wry smile.  
  
“Good. You need to think long and hard when he comes back hat in hand.” Celia looked around to see if there were any biscuits on hand. Seeing none, she turned her gaze back to Caroline, who seemed a little quieter than usual. “Where did you say you were yesterday? Seemed like you were out an awfully long time.”  
  
“Went to see Les Mis, the movie, with another teacher. It was so long we needed drinks afterwards to recover. How was your dinner with Muriel?” Caroline hoped that topic would serve as a distraction.  
  
“I had to listen to her drone on about her new place in Corfu until I thought I couldn’t stand another word about it. She never tires of talking about her perfect life and perfect children. I didn’t tell her about you and John.” Caroline turned to hide her smirk, knowing exactly why her mum wouldn’t have talked to Muriel about her separation.  
  
Celia took her last swallow of tea. “Who did you say you were with again? It wasn’t that handsome history teacher by chance. I watched him watch you at the last student quiz night. You know the one, when William’s team won? I think you’d be trading up from John with him.”  
  
“Well, John was in rare form today. Slinking around with his tail between his legs grabbing a few things. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Complete with bin bags,” Caroline redirected. She wanted nothing more than to head upstairs for a nap and an opportunity to work out what she was going to do about Kate, but she knew her mum wouldn’t be shifted until she was ready.  
  
“Have you talked about divorce yet? Isn’t it time?” Celia worried that if Caroline didn’t fully flush John from her life he’d eventually get his slippers back under the bed. It had taken a few months for Celia to adjust to the thought of her daughter being a divorcee but the more she thought about it, the more she believed Caroline could do better. “What did he say?”  
  
“Mostly he just raged about the Jeep,” Caroline said in a clipped tone. “I couldn’t tell if his objection was to it being American made or the thought that he had no say in my buying it.”  
  
“Why did you buy American? I hate to say, but I agree with him on that. Couldn’t you have bought a Jag?” Celia asked as she rinsed her mug at the sink and turned to look at her daughter. She often wondered where she got her natural beauty. Celia would have given anything to have that natural pink in her cheeks without makeup. Looking more closely, she wondered if her daughter was glowing more than she had in years.  
  
“Oh, not you too,” Caroline said, following her mum to the sink. “Perhaps if they made an SUV. Maybe next time. For now I need something to cart Lawrence and all his chums to rugby.”   
  
Before Celia could respond, Caroline thanked her for the visit and said she had work to do but as soon as Celia headed back to the granny flat, Caroline headed upstairs to the sanctuary of her bedroom.  
  
Closing the door quietly behind her, Caroline allowed herself the luxury of a few minutes alone. She flopped on the bed, ennui settling on her skin for a minute before she stood to pace restlessly around her room. It had been a long time since she’d been so conflicted. She was even tempted to bash her way through her confusion with a SWOT analysis before she realised how ridiculous a decision process that would be for whether she should go to bed with someone.  
  
She dragged a chair over to the window and sat, chin resting on her hand, staring out the window. Her eyes followed the late afternoon adventures of neighbourhood cats around the garden, birds hopping from tree to tree and the sound of a distant mower providing the aural accompaniment while she rolled through various scenarios in her head. After a while it had become clear that there were no scenarios that included Kate that were easy, nor a good idea. She was relieved, however, that Kate had initiated everything last night, and her text later on had put the terrifying possibility of a staff member harassment complaint to bed.  
  
What struck her was that while she had cast herself as straight for the past twenty years, she knew deep down that she wasn’t. The time was coming that she was going to have to face that fact. The thought of telling her mother about it made her heart pound. As for the boys... well she hoped William would be okay, but she had no idea about Lawrence. And what about custody? Would that enable John to get custody? She didn’t think so, but perhaps she’d better check. She’d call a lawyer in the morning.  
  
While her mind was running through every eventuality, both the good and the terrible, her hand caressed her thigh, causing desire to thrum once again through her blood; the pull of Kate was constant. Accustomed to burying her own needs, this attraction to Kate had risen to the surface and now threatened to upend her entire existence. The more she thought about it, the more this yearning for connection, for touch, for Kate, pushed to the front of her mind. Not normally given to spontaneity, last night had shown her just how close lust was to overtaking her normal reticence. She knew, too, that trusting Kate was a key part of it.  
  
Lust aside, just how did she feel about Kate? A warm smile settled on her face as she thought of Kate’s generosity, kindness and humour. She was very lucky someone as gorgeous and kind as Kate was interested in her. A vision of Kate walking down the corridor at work sashayed into her mind and all of a sudden her blood raced and her mouth went dry. There was going to be no escape. She did trust Kate and was driven to explore this relationship, to explore Kate.   
  
She pulled out her mobile phone and thought about texting Kate. Or perhaps she should call instead? Indecision, a rare and unsettling state, stilled her fingers. She was due to meet Kate tomorrow in a meeting with the Language Department. Who knew how that was going to go. She writhed on her chair, feeling blood going south again and a throb started up between her legs. She sighed. If she wasn’t going to get together with Kate, she was going to need to buy more batteries for her toys because she was going to need more relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience with this one. It’s been mad at my end. 
> 
> I hope you are all okay. All the best at this mad time.


	14. The Women’s Institute

Summer was in full swing with her long days and blue nights. She boldly declared herself at 4:30am and Kate had groggily mumbled, “Hello,” as she crawled out of bed and into her jogging pants. By 6am Kate had been pounding the pavement for nearly an hour, chasing peace as she jogged past empty shops and the occasional delivery van.  
  
Her long, loping rhythm had settled her fractious head and the nerves in her belly. There was something about her boss that was driving her crazy and she couldn’t remember when she’d been quite so invested in a potential relationship. She could feel the intensity of Caroline’s desire bubbling just under the surface, but getting her to acknowledge it, let alone act on it, had taken nearly two months. It had felt like turning a tanker around; long lead times, intermittent panicking and a lot of hauling from tugboats to get the S.S. Caroline sailing in the right direction.  
  
At least the results had been exemplary so far. Saturday night’s kiss had been something else. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt like that; perhaps she never had. Kate blamed the alcohol — thanked the alcohol, really — because if they hadn’t been fairly tanked, she was sure they would have continued to dance around each other and nothing would have happened. She looked down, watching her toes come into view at regular intervals, the beat of her footfalls comforting.  
  
She slowed as she reached Martin’s street, allowing herself to walk. Arms on her hips and limbs loose, she was sweating freely and had finally achieved a sense of calm, even though it wasn’t apparent by the gasping breaths and rubbery legs. She knew she’d pay for it later after such a long run, but it had been worth it for the peace of mind.  
  
Knocking quietly on Martin’s door, she could already see Jock, tail wagging, waiting for his walk.  
  
Martin opened the door, a broad grin covering his obvious early morning aches as he handed Jock’s lead to Kate.  
  
“Guid morn to ye, lassie.” He peered at the brightening sky. “It’s guin to be lovely day.”  
  
“It is indeed. Just a short one today, Martin.”  
  
“Nae problem. Thank ye lassie.”  
  
“My pleasure.” Bending over to properly greet Jock, his greying muzzle close to her leg, she gave him a friendly scratch behind his ear. “Let’s be off, young Jock.”  
  
With a nod to Martin, Kate and Jock sauntered off for a walk, Jock glancing adoringly at Kate while she told him about her excitement about meeting Caroline later that day.  
  
Martin stood on his doorstep with a knowing smile on his face. He and a hungover Kate had had a chat the day before when she’d debriefed. He watched Kate’s and Jock’s retreating forms, the two of them absorbed in one another’s company.  
  
_Katie, ye wee lassie, you’re in for a mile of trouble,_ he thought to himself.  


  


* * *

  
Kate was normally grateful for the late start on Mondays. However, once a month the time was used for the Language Department meeting, and each meeting was attended by the intoxicating Dr. Caroline Elliot. Normally that was anxiety inducing enough, but today, despite the long run to calm her nerves, Kate was desperately trying to fake her normally serene self. Caroline hadn’t called. She hadn’t texted. Nothing but the sound of crickets, so Kate was nervously trying to anticipate how Caroline was going to react when they finally saw each other.  
  
Kate had even checked with friends to make sure her phone was working, just in case she’d missed a call. She’d been impatiently giving Caroline some breathing room, but now she wondered if that was a mistake. She shook her head to dislodge the traitorous thought; she amplified the words ‘think positive’ inside her skull while attaching a rigid grin to her face.  
  
Sitting near the end of the large table in the meeting room, Kate neatly folded her legs under her chair and prepared her pen and paper. Placing her coffee carefully in front of her, she was as ready as she’d ever be. Of course, she knew she was kidding herself, and as soon as Caroline breezed into the room, casting a glance in Kate’s direction, Kate was lost again. All she could think about was Saturday night, her hands on Caroline’s luscious body, her lips on Caroline’s supple neck. Oh god. A shiver of pleasure ran down her spine and she was having trouble sitting still and breathing normally.  
  
Caroline stopped for a moment. She looked directly at Kate, her eye’s darkening and her lips parting, before shock flashed across her flushed face and she charged to the head of the table, sitting and organising herself in a flurry of activity.  
  
Caroline ignored Kate for the rest of the meeting, eyes moving from staff member to staff member and yet somehow managing to skip past Kate every time she looked along that side of the table. Not that Kate had any idea what was being discussed; for most of the meeting she had her head down and was drawing neat circles and patterns on her notepad, urging the time to fly faster so she could leave before she embarrassed herself. She was viscerally aware of Caroline’s every movement and breath. Time was stretching and morphing like a Dali painting and she felt completely out of place, as if transplanted from a different dimension.  
  
As the meeting closed, Doris, the German teacher, remembered she had a couple tickets to give away for the local Women’s Institute’s upcoming fundraiser. Ignoring the eye-rolls by some of the younger members of staff at the mention of the WI, she chuckled as she dropped the envelope of tickets on the table and said they were first come, first served. As was typical, most teachers hastily filed out the door as soon as the meeting was over without giving Doris’ offer any thought.  
  
As Kate stood to leave, she looked up to find Caroline’s striking blue eyes looking at her. She swallowed, mouth suddenly dry.  
  
“Kate, would you mind staying back for a moment? I’d like a quick chat about the choir.”  
  
Kate nodded, her head bouncing up and down like a toy puppy on the dashboard of a truck. She clutched her pen tightly, willing herself to stop before Caroline noticed. Too late. A small smirk appeared on Caroline’s face.  
  
The door closed as the last person left the meeting room. The air felt suddenly electric. They sat for a moment, neither wanting to cut the thick silence. When Caroline’s eyes dropped to examine Kate’s lips, she was startled to see Kate unconsciously lick them. Caroline gripped the edge of the table, trying to control her reaction.  
  
Seeing Caroline’s physical response and the fringe of desire around her irises, Kate blossomed under the gaze, thrilled she wasn’t the only one affected. Confidence returning, she smiled quietly, and took a punt.  
  
“Caroline, are you okay?”  
  
Caroline looked up to catch Kate’s eyes, clearing her throat noisily. “Yep. Sure. Fine. Ah. Sure.” She stopped babbling and closed her eyes for a moment, trying to calm herself. Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes and smiled coyly. “You?”  
  
Kate’s bobbing head was back again, and she worried for her neck. “Want to go out again?” It popped into her head and out of her mouth before she could think about it.  
  
Caroline’s eyes widened, another flash of desire was followed by a momentary panic before she very obviously brought herself under control. Her voice was clear but the tight grip on her notebook was making her knuckles white. “Okay.” She paused, watching Kate’s response. “What did you have in mind?”  
  
Kate spotted the envelope with the tickets that had been left in the middle of the table. “Want to see a show?” she asked, as she pulled the tickets out to see what was on offer.  
  
Caroline’s eyes travelled to the tickets, and then back to Kate. Her eyebrows rose and she sat back in her chair, waiting.  
  
Kate glanced at the tickets and her jaw dropped open. She gaped at Caroline for a moment before reluctantly sliding her eyes back to the tickets to confirm her first impression. A mixture of lust and embarrassment froze her, hand mid air, jaw audibly snapping shut.  
  
Caroline peered at Kate, confusion evident. “What is it? Kate?” When no response came, she enquired again. “What’s the show, Kate?”  
  
Kate blinked, clearing her throat loudly. She sat up straighter and crossed her legs. “It’s ah, it’s ah...” She stopped. She tried again, the words coming in a rush. “It’s the Vagina Monologues.”  
  
Caroline blanched, sitting back in her chair. “You want to see...with me?”  
  
Kate nodded automatically. Unable to speak, she cautiously dragged her eyes from the tickets back to Caroline’s blue gaze.  
  
“Really?”  
  
Kate nodded, gathering herself together. She was an adult. She could do this. She sat up straighter, holding the tickets confidently.  
  
“Why don’t we go and see the Vagina Monologues at the Harrogate Theatre with the members of the WI,” she glanced again at the tickets, “This Saturday night?”  
  
Caroline stared at her, a little awestruck by Kate’s confidence. She sat, mind churning, wondering how she was going to manage sitting in the dark, next to Kate, while women stand on stage talking about their vaginas.   
  
“Why not?” Kate challenged, her confidence growing now that Caroline was well and truly on the back foot, even though she was half hoping Caroline would suggest an alternative destination.  
  
“Have you ever seen it?” Caroline felt herself blushing, half terrified and half titillated at the prospect. It was one thing seeing it by herself on the television in the privacy of her lounge room, but in a room full of strangers, and millimetres from Kate? — that was a very different story. She wasn’t entirely sure she had the composure for it and struggled not to squirm at the thought.  
  
“If it’s really bad, I’ll take you out for drinks. We could leave during the interval,” Kate said with a wink.  
  
“Oh, I think if it’s really bad I should make you sit through it to the bitter end,” Caroline chuckled nervously, trying to keep her pulse from racing at Kate’s veiled reminder of their encounter on Saturday night.  
  
Returning Caroline’s smile, Kate asked if she really wanted to talk about the choir.  
  
“No. Just wanted to say sorry I didn’t text or call yesterday. Had a run in with John and didn’t want to bore you with the details,” she said distractedly, eyes now focused on Kate’s mouth.  
  
“Well, maybe you can tell me about it later,” Kate said provocatively, before reluctantly looking at her watch. She needed to get to her classroom before 9F or she’d spend the whole lesson struggling to settle them. She was disappointed work was getting in the way of her pushing Caroline into unknown territory.  
  
She gathered her papers and stood up, feeling the weight of Caroline’s eyes on her skin. She knew Caroline was just as aroused as she was. While she carefully pushed her chair under the table, a devious course of action sprang fully formed into her mind and she couldn’t help the sly grin curling up her face. Kate stepped beside Caroline. Fanning herself with the tickets, she slowly bent forward to whisper in Caroline’s ear, watching Caroline’s eyes travel down her cleavage. “See you on Saturday. Sweet dreams until then,” she said breathily, and was delighted by the hitch in Caroline’s breathing.  
  
A smirk on her face, Kate sauntered behind Caroline, lightly dancing the fingers of her hand on Caroline’s shoulder, gratified by the shiver she could feel under her fingertips. She smiled as she reached the door, turning for one last glimpse of Caroline, finding her pinned to her seat with a warm blush travelling up her neck and eyes glued to Kate.  
  
Kate giggled as she closed the door behind her, the thought of leaving Caroline highly aroused a gleeful payback for all the times Caroline had unknowingly left Kate in such a state.  



	15. The Vagina Dialogues

Kate shut the front door behind her, turning to find Caroline nervously running her hands down her skirt while she glanced around Kate’s sitting room. Caroline had briefly visited once before, but that time the bright afternoon light had given the room a warm, welcoming glow. This time, the weight of falling darkness pushed in from outside, providing a more intimate setting and hiding them from prying eyes. The cleverly placed lamps around the room offered a subtle elegance, amplifying Caroline’s jitters as she thought of this as a ménage de séduction.

“Come into the kitchen and I’ll sort out a drink and some nibbles,” Kate suggested, walking in front of Caroline to lead her through the house. She turned on various lamps along the way, painting a path of soft light revealing autumn coloured furniture over which calming paintings presided. The kitchen told a different tale. Vibrant and joyful, this room was full of colour and life; even the African wooden masks hung along the ochre-coloured wall were richly alive.

Caroline’s first impression was how much like Kate it was, harmoniously moving from the soft palette of the English public space to the vibrant Nigerian heart. It made her realise how embroiled she’d been with dealing with John and her own reawakening, and how little she knew of Kate. She instantly regretted this lack of foresight on her part.

As Kate moved around the kitchen, gathering wine glasses and pouring the burgundy into a glass decanter, Caroline perched on a stool on the other side of the kitchen bench. She smiled to herself. Observing Kate always improved her mood. She could see Kate’s increasing confidence now the teacher was on home turf, and wondered if that confidence might extend beyond the kitchen.

She was surprised, however, when Kate stood really close to her, placing the cheese platter within easy reach on the bench. They’d kept their distance since the tight proximity of the theatre, both needing the space to regroup after the intensity of the play, so this was a clear opening gambit. Caroline leaned back on her stool, opening the gap between them slightly. She’d had twenty years out of the dating scene, so she knew she was destined to be outmanoeuvred by Kate tonight, and as much as she wanted something to happen, it made her distinctly uncomfortable.

“So, Caroline. Did you like the play?”

Caroline watched Kate pour the wine into the large glasses, gathering her thoughts. “I did. It’s been a long time since I saw _The Vagina Monologues_. I saw the TV special in the late 90s. I’d forgotten most of it.” She picked up a glass and raised it carefully, momentarily distracted by the play of light on the liquid. “It was the variety of experiences that drew me in, although I am disappointed that so little has changed for women since Ensler wrote it.”

“Mmmm, yes,” Kate agreed as she slid onto a stool, smoothly rotating until she faced Caroline. She took a sip of her wine, closing her eyes as the liquid ran down her throat.

Caroline’s eyes followed the path of the wine, mouth correspondingly dry as the eroticism of such a simple act surprised her. When she looked up she found Kate’s brown eyes watching her. Caroline blinked, blushing a little.

Kate was delighted to have Caroline on the back foot a bit. She hadn’t realised how easy it might be until the subject of the play came up during the meeting on Monday. They hadn’t seen each other since then, so the trip to the theatre had been a bit awkward at the start, with both of them nervous and Caroline almost twitchy. Fortunately they’d settled in during the show, distracted by the intensity of performances as the actresses broke the proscenium arch to engage directly with the audience in a modern variation of the play.

A knowing smile played on Kate’s mouth as she asked, “Not too many references to vaginas for you?”

Caroline sucked in her breath, a bit shocked by Kate’s words. “Not given the context. No.” She absentmindedly fondled the wineglass as she recalled the 75 minutes she’d sat with Kate in the theatre, hyper aware of how their arms were touching over the narrow armrest. She wasn’t going to admit that she’d spent most of it vacillating between being absorbed by the stories and highly aroused by thoughts of the woman sitting next to her.

“And the word... cunt?” Kate smirked, wondering how far she could push her conservative boss, before the perfect exterior cracked.

Caroline’s eyebrows fled under her fringe. She took a large gulp of wine, stalling for time. Clearly Kate was setting her up for something and it had her on edge. Not that she hadn’t been beforehand. Her time alone the previous week had been spent sifting through memories of sex with her previous girlfriends, wondering if she’d still remember what to do after twenty years of John, terrified of what Kate might like in that department and masturbating madly, trying not to think of Kate while she did so. She’d even tried her normal methodology of research to reduce her nerves, but that had only made things worse. She now _knew_ her knowledge of sex with a woman was 20 years out of date, and she still had no idea what Kate might expect of her. That she was still here was testament to how much she wanted Kate.

“No. Er, no. It’s fine. It was... fine.” She wondered why Kate was pushing. Perhaps this was dating now. She squirmed awkwardly on the stool, defaulting to a deflection and bouncing the question back to Kate. “And you?” She peered out from under her fringe, wanting to see Kate’s reaction.

“Oh, not a problem for me. I’ve spent time in South London, so...” She smirked. “I don’t mind it really. Quite used to it.” Her eyes were sparkling, with more than a hint of the devil in them. “In fact, I quite like, it in some circumstances.”

Caroline nearly stopped breathing. She swallowed loudly, took a large swig of her wine before shakily placing the glass back on the bench. “Oh.” Heart racing, she dared herself to look Kate in the eyes, following the woman’s lead. “And in what circumstances would that be, Kate?”

Kate laughed, low and dirty. “Well, Caroline...” She leant forward, placing her hand gently on Caroline’s knee, slowly moving her hand up the firm thigh. “We could find out.”

Caroline’s heart was pounding in her chest, her breathing shallow. She watched Kate lean towards her, and then pause, like she was waiting for Caroline to be ready. And god, was she ready! Caroline’s gaze flicked to Kate’s sensual lips, aching to kiss, aching to taste. Her only option was to lean in.

The kiss was soft and light, a caress almost, while Kate’s hand gripped tighter on her thigh, the one counterbalancing the other. Kate pulled back, eyes dark with desire. She cleared her throat before raising a hand to gently stroke Caroline’s cheek.

“I want this. I want you.” She lifted Caroline’s chin a fraction, the seriousness of the moment providing a pause. “Is this what you want?” She leaned in for a gentle kiss. She waited, before prompting, “I need to hear it Caroline.”

Caroline nodded, before answering, “Yes. Oh god yes, Kate.” She slid her hand into the thick black hair, pulling Kate to her.

The kiss was luxurious, full of longing and a sense of connection finally made. Lips and tongues and warm breath intermingled, the taste of one another both memory and revelation. A moan slipped out before Caroline was aware of it, causing Kate to shudder. She gripped Caroline’s hips, standing up to get closer. She pushed gently on the inside of Caroline’s knee, briefly running her hand up the inside of Caroline’s thigh.

Caroline moaned again, opening her legs, pulling Kate to her and when Kate stepped between her knees, Caroline wrapped her calves around the back of Kate’s thighs, trapping her as she held onto Kate’s back. The kiss was exquisite and her need was escalating faster than she’d thought possible. It had been so long since a kiss had provoked such lust. She was frightened of losing control entirely and pushed Kate’s shoulders away from her, turning her head, gasping for air.

Breathing heavily, Kate held on. “Caroline, are you all right? Have I done something wrong?” The concern was written all over her face.

Shaking her head, Caroline didn’t know how to say it. How could she say that she hadn’t felt like this for decades, that she was worried she’d lose control? She raised her head and looked into Kate’s eyes, seeing genuine care as well as desire. It only made it worse. It was easier to lose herself in lust.

Caroline grabbed a handful of Kate’s shirt and pulled her in for a deep kiss, hands now roaming Kate’s body, the feel of breasts against her own a constant reminder of both ancient history and the freshness of this. The need for more was overwhelming. She wanted it all.

It was Kate who put the brakes on, some minutes later, the two of them flushed and panting, her hands still cupping Caroline’s breasts, thumbnails barely stilled from scratching at hard nipples through the bra. She rested her forehead against the messy blonde hair until she had enough air in her lungs to speak.

“Come to bed with me, Caroline.”

A smile crept up the blonde’s face, eyes dark with arousal. “Please. Show me the way.”

Kate kissed her gently on the cheek, a smirk playing at the edges of her mouth. “Oh, I will.”

Kate stood back and holding Caroline’s hand, led her to the stairs and up to her bedroom. Caroline followed, mesmerised by the swaying bottom just in front of her, her mind filling with the need to caress it, to undress it.

At the top of the stairs Kate turned around, slowly walking backwards, her gaze travelling the length of Caroline’s body. She knew that Caroline had dressed for her, wearing the navy suit Kate had gushed about the previous Saturday. Knowing that gave her the confidence for what she planned next.

Kate gently tugged Caroline into her bedroom before stopping to give her a welcoming kiss. A tender smile on her face, Kate said, “I’ll light some candles. Make yourself at home.”

With a small squeeze of her hand, Kate released Caroline, lighting candles and turning down the duvet on the queen sized bed, the sheets a soft, white cotton. Caroline looked around the room but her eyes continually drifted to follow Kate. She waited, the sense of sexual anticipation now thrumming through her system so strongly that her fingers tingled with the energy of it.

Standing in front of Caroline, Kate took off her waistcoat, flinging it over the chair behind her. Caroline reached out to touch Kate, but Kate caught her hands, kissed the palms and gently lowered them to Caroline’s side.

“I would like to undress you, if you’ll let me?” Kate asked quietly, eyes bright with desire.

“Oh. Okay.” Caroline smiled coyly. She was a bit relieved, if she was honest, that Kate had explained what she wanted. She flattened her hands along her legs. Not always one for compliance, she’d do what she could to resist touching Kate.

Leaning forward to caress Caroline’s neck, Kate’s hands slid down strong shoulders and unsheathed the blue jacket, carefully putting it on a clothes hanger and hanging it on a doorknob. She took off her own shirt, tossing it behind her, before slowly unbuttoning Caroline’s silk shirt. Taking her time, she leant forward to kiss her way down the soft skin underneath each button, noticing the shift in Caroline’s breathing as she moved over her breasts and down her trembling belly. Peeling the silk off Caroline’s shoulders, she kissed and caressed her way along each arm, using her tongue and lips to taste the freckles as she went. The unveiling of Caroline was something she’d dreamed about for months, even though she had no real idea of what would happen next.

It had been so long since anyone had paid such attention to her body that Caroline was almost delirious, the sensations Kate created along her skin, the sight of this beautiful woman exploring her body almost too much. She had never been confident of her body, even when she’d been younger and before she’d had the boys. More recently she’d spent her days stuck in her head, her body largely ignored unless it was hot or cold or in pain, so giving herself this time to experience the sensations as Kate’s mouth travelled along her skin was glorious: time shifting even. There was a sense of shifting power too, an acquiescence to allowing Kate this time to please her.

Kate quickly pulled off her own shoes and socks before shucking her pants, kicking them to the wall behind her. She stood in front of Caroline, hands gliding up and down the shapely legs before reaching around to undo the skirt. Carefully sliding the skirt over Caroline’s bottom, Kate gasped as the dark blue lace suspender belt with the tiniest of red ribbon bows came into view, hands shaking as the skirt dropped further, revealing blue lace panties that covered, well, not very much at all.

“Jesus fuck!”  
  
Kate’s brain stopped, her eyes glued to the dark lace over the pale skin, which was simultaneously elegant and carnal. Thoughts of anything else evaporating like morning dew in the presence of the sun. She just stopped functioning, barely breathing, hands shaking.  
  
“So glad you like them,” purred Caroline a moment later, resting her hands on Kate’s shoulders for balance as she stepped out of the circle of the skirt, picking it up off the floor and throwing it in the general direction of Kate’s pile of clothes. Before she could move further she felt hands sensuously running up her calves, hot breath on her thighs, lips in the crease above one of her legs. She gasped, her eyes snapping shut as her fingers found Kate’s head, combing through the thick, dark hair.  
  
Kate shifted, mouth finally finding the soft triangle of ginger hair under the skimpy lace panties, driven by lust to find the source of such an intoxicating scent. She needed to touch, to taste. Pulling the panties down so Caroline could step out of them, Kate then buried her face in paradise, hands sliding under the suspender straps over Caroline’s arse, caressing the muscles tensing with strain.  
  
“Kaaate!”  
  
She’d thought Kate might start slowly, but she’d dived right in, her tongue and lips everywhere and just the right spot all at once. Caroline stumbled, widening her stance to give Kate more room to work, regretting the heels even though they were clearly doing something for Kate. Her hips were starting to move and Kate gripped her arse tighter, holding her in place. She gasped for air. Her blood was on fire.  
  
Already struggling to stay upright, Caroline took a step back to hold onto the dresser, quickly followed by Kate, the vision of Kate on her knees pleasuring her not one she had ever imagined. It was the hottest thing she’d ever seen. It wasn’t going to take long; she was already so close. Back arched and legs shaking, she held on until she came, legs buckling and nearly falling to the floor as Kate chased the last of her orgasm.  
  
When her mind eventually caught up with her body, Caroline found herself clutching a dresser, legs spread and Kate between them tenderly kissing her c-section scar. She started laughing, a deep throaty laugh of relief, amazement and joy.  
  
Kate chuckled contentedly, nuzzling Caroline’s belly with her nose.  
  
“Like that, did we?”  
  
“Oh, Kate. That was... that was...” Caroline floundered for the words, grateful tears drying on her cheeks, her mind still in the clouds. “Wonderful.” She caressed Kate’s face, languid despite the blood surging through her veins. “Magical. Erotic.”  
  
Kate kissed her way up Caroline’s chest, reaching Caroline’s mouth for a slow kiss.  
  
“We could try the bed now, if you like. I got a little carried away,” Kate admittedly sheepishly. “Sorry.”  
  
Caroline stroked Kate’s hair, chuckling. “I knew you like’d the suit and I hoped you might like the lingerie, but I didn’t expect that reaction.”  
  
“Oh, well, you’ve found one of my weaknesses,” Kate admitted, lust still shining in her eyes, “And you are spectacular.”  



	16. Only Five Stars

A thong. She knew they existed, but had never seen one in the wild until Kate stood up, smirked, and turned around. And there it was, the most beautiful arse Caroline had ever seen, the muscular brown buttocks framed by a fire engine red satin thong. Mouth dry, she felt like a teenager lusting after an athlete, despite the fact that said athlete had just gone down on her and left her stunned, desperately hanging onto furniture while her body raged in ecstasy.

An admixture of cocky confidence and terror fuelled her as she stumbled after Kate. The thought _Holy fuck! How did I end up with someone so sexy?_ flashed through her mind and as she watched Kate’s muscles flex and move under the skin, she finally understood the urge to fall and pray at the alter of such stupendous beauty. Her breath hitched. She stopped and stared.  
  
Hearing the change in Caroline’s breathing, Kate turned to face her with a playful grin that said she knew exactly how hot she was. She slowed her steps, turning to wait for Caroline to close the gap between them. One more step backwards and Kate’s calves hit the bed.  
  
Caroline watched as Kate fell gracefully and crab crawled backwards up the bed, their eyes locked. Realising Caroline was frozen in place, Kate laughed, savouring the power of the moment. The fantasies of the last few months dimmed in comparison to the potency of the woman nearly naked at the end of her bed. What was so different to her expectations was how vulnerable Caroline seemed, and how overwhelmed she appeared to be. It gave Kate license to provoke, an opportunity she wasn’t expecting.  
  
Kate perched herself on the pillows propped against the headboard, uncontainable lust visible, licking her lips as she slowly ran the finger tips down between her breasts, undoing the front clip of her bra, freeing her breasts from the scant cups, putting her hardened nipples on full display.   
  
“Christ, Kate.”  
  
Caroline’s mouth dropped open a fraction, not quite believing she was really here; not quite sure this wasn’t another of the fantasies that had driven her to bouts of frantic masturbation during the last week.   
  
Nervous, Caroline dared herself to be bold, trying to put on a show for Kate. She’d never been good at it: never had that sort of confidence. She tried valiantly, copying the moves she’d seen in films, ones that had turned her on. She stepped out of her heels and unhooked her stockings, looking up to gauge the reaction. It was then she saw Kate had stopped, lips parted, a hint of arousal showing on her chest, eyes focused on Caroline’s hands as she removed the suspender belt.  
  
Caroline flicked the hair out of her eyes, galvanised by Kate’s open appreciation. Seductively she rolled her stockings down, one leg at a time, watching an enthralled Kate as she slowly bent over to give her a better view. Kate tossed her head back with a throaty laugh.  
  
“Oh, you’re catching on fast,” she said huskily.  
  
The sight of Kate’s breasts swaying with her laughter made Caroline a bit dizzy. Finally taking off her own bra, she crawled up from the bottom of the bed, not stopping until her naked body hovered over Kate’s, barely touching but poised for the most exquisite contact.  
  
Trying not to be overwhelmed by the nearness of the body underneath her, Caroline resisted its bewitching power. She wanted to please Kate. She wanted to be good at pleasing Kate.  
  
Her eyes flicked down to Kate’s mouth as she unconsciously licked her lips before returning her gaze back up to Kate’s lustful eyes. “What do you like Kate?”  
  
Kate lifted her head to tenderly kiss Caroline’s lips, sliding hands around Caroline’s back and pulling the blonde to her, breasts pressing against breasts, navels meeting navels, legs entangling at last. Their eyes locked together, mirroring the excitement and anticipation each woman felt in that moment.  
  
“I’m massively out of practice,” Caroline admitted quietly, thoroughly aroused by the mixture of hardness and curves of Kate’s athletic body, but not sure where to start.  
  
Recognising honesty mixed with self-consciousness, Kate folded Caroline into an embrace and rolled them over so they were resting on their sides. Kate captured Caroline’s lips in a kiss that could best be described as a reward as much as encouragement to continue.  
  
“How are you out of practice? You said you and John were… before you separated,” she coaxed. Realising Caroline was embarrassed, the penny dropped. “Oh, do you mean...” She laughed instead of finishing the question, not expecting such a confession from the intensely private blonde. “You don’t have to answer that. At least not now. Maybe after. Definitely after,” she giggled softly, fingers playfully skipping up Caroline’s arm. “Think of it as just going out for a bike ride and it’ll all come back.”  
  
“Bike riding...” Caroline leaned forward to gently bite Kate’s ear, “And there I was thinking we were talking about sex.”  
  
Kate laughed, low and sexy. “No, definitely bike riding...perhaps on a bicycle built for two?”  
  
“Well, you’ve certainly got the bottom for it, Kate,” she purred, running her hands over the shapely buttocks before slowly feeling her way up the torso, following the line of ribs to gently caress a breast, revelling in the fullness of it.  
  
Kate gasped, her breath changing as her eyes watched fingers on her skin, fascinated by the explosion of freckles up the pale forearm, still getting used to the idea of Caroline in her bed. “Oh, but it’s a glorious day for an outing, don’t you think?”  
  
“Oh, I do.”  
  
Caroline’s smiled softly as her fingers continued up Kate’s chest, gently mapping the shape of her.  
  
“It feels like a hundred years since my Oxford days,” she said with a quiet voice, almost to herself. Her eyes traced the path of her fingers as she slipped one under Kate’s bra strap. As she slowly lowered it, she kissed the faint indentation it had left on the shoulder and allowed her hand to linger there. Eyes again meeting Kate’s, she cleared her throat and repeated, “So, what do you like?”  
  
“Talk to me. It doesn’t have to be dirty, just tell me what’s going through your mind.”  
  
Caroline stilled. Her only previous experience of talking during sex had been the direct demands of a forthright lesbian lover a quarter of a century ago, and the pretentiously poetic ramblings of an obsequious husband. The others had been young and shy, like she’d been, and they’d been mostly fumbling about in the dark, as unsure about themselves as they had been about life. It had only taken one request from Kate and she was completely out of her depth.  
  
Caroline was afraid she was going to blow it. She started to panic, knowing that there was no way she could share what she really thought without Kate bolting from the bed. She was going to have to make something up and that thought alone was enough to send her into a tailspin. Her mind frantic, she rested her head against Kate’s breast and sighed. The tender caress of her cheek against the smooth skin brought her back to the moment. She wondered how the hell she was going to make this work for Kate.  
  
Kate could see she was struggling. “It’s okay. Say whatever comes to you. What do you want to do? What’s turning you on? Say anything,” Kate suggested as she lifted Caroline’s chin to capture the blonde’s lips in a deep kiss to seal the request. Caroline was hugely thankful for the distraction and thoughts of anything else dissolved when Kate’s tongue curled around her own.  
  
When they came up for air, Caroline’s heart instantly filled with Kate’s generosity. She smiled tenderly, and in that moment of gentle gratitude, an idea formed. Caroline focused on the sensation of her mouth on Kate’s skin, pushing everything else out of her mind.  
  
She removed Kate’s bra to get it out of the way and resumed her exploration of Kate’s body, following the topography with fingers and tongue and lips. She was lost in the exhilarating adventure, almost unaware of how Kate was responding until small moans filtered through her consciousness.  
  
She grinned lustfully, delighted her efforts were working for Kate. She kissed her way up to Kate’s cheek before speaking, her words escaping on her exhale, “I’ve never felt softer skin. Not sure I want to stop kissing you long enough to talk.”   
  
Kate’s breathing was erratic. She managed to get out a quick, “You don’t have to talk then,” before writhing from the subtle twisting of her nipple as Caroline nibbled on her earlobe.  
  
“You like this?” She whispered into Kate’s ear. “Do you like it when I do this?” Caroline asked as she ran her hand down Kate’s body, fingers skating over the hills and filling the hollows. A louder moan encouraged her, and Caroline’s hands continued their investigation. A ripple of fingers flowed over Kate’s satin G-string and hips rose to meet them as Kate cried out, “Caroline!”  
  
Frustrated by Caroline’s pace, Kate grabbed Caroline’s wrist and moved her hand to where she wanted it, hooking a dark leg over pale thighs and pulling the blonde to her. She didn’t think she’d be begging so quickly, but she had been wound up for so long that her need for more was overwhelming her.  
  
“Please... Caroline.”  
  
Caroline could feel the wetness soaking through the thong and she gasped as a flood of arousal charged through her system.  
  
“God, you are so... wet!”  
  
A long moan issued from Kate as she started thrusting her hips at Caroline’s hand, holding it firmly in place while she ground herself against it.  
  
Caroline moved quickly down Kate’s body and with both hands slid the G-string over Kate’s thighs and off her legs, flinging it over the edge of the bed. Bewitched by the glorious sight of Kate’s writhing body, Caroline kissed her way up the smooth runner’s legs until she found the trimmed black hair glistening in the candlelight.  
  
Carefully parting the hair, Caroline sighed with pleasure as her tongue touched the soft flesh, the taste of Kate more exquisite than any flavour she could remember. She moaned, the vibration causing Kate to cry out and dig her fingernails into Caroline’s shoulders.  
  
“Too much! Too...too...” Kate cried out, afraid of coming too soon, grabbing at Caroline’s arms. “Up here. I need you up here.”  
  
Caroline quickly kissed her way up Kate’s torso and captured her in a deep kiss, fingers gliding down the muscled body until they found the velvety soft skin between Kate’s thighs. Stroking through the slick wetness, she matched her pace to the hips responding beneath her, finding a rhythm with Kate.

Breaking off the kiss to gasp for ragged breaths, Kate’s hips started to move wildly, accompanied by a breathy susurration of _fuck me_ and she gripped Caroline’s arms to steady herself.  
  
Caroline shifted to straddle one of Kate’s legs, giving herself room to please Kate. In awe of the sensual power of the woman beneath her, she slowly slid two fingers inside her lover, not daring to breathe, closely watching for any negative signs from Kate.

Kate threw her head back, mouth wide open as she gasped in pleasure, her mind simultaneously cognisant that it was Caroline inside her and almost obliterated by her need to be fucked.  
  
Caroline’s eyes travelled over Kate’s face before she lightly kissed Kate’s neck. Nuzzling the taut muscles under Kate’s jaw while her fingers lay still, she waited for her lover.  
  
Kate’s eyes sprung open and she turned to Caroline, the intensity of her gaze shocking. Swimming through the dense sea of pheromones, one clear thought escaped to the surface. She cupped Caroline’s cheek, determination apparent as the urgency of a sharp need washed over her, her hips moving again. 

“I need you to fuck me, Caroline.” Her voice was thick with lust.  
  
Seeing such rich, illicit need so clearly stated gave Caroline a sense of power she hadn’t experienced in a long, long time. It sliced through her, carving off months of self-flagellation to reveal the strong woman beneath.  
  
Kate’s eyes locked with Caroline as Caroline started to move inside her, slowly at first, then following the rhythm of Kate’s hips.  
  
“How do you like to be fucked, Kate?” Maintaining the slow rhythm inside her, Caroline focused on pleasing her, watching Kate ready herself to demand what she needed.

Kate was desperate to know the Caroline behind the controlled facade, the one underneath the layers of civility. She’d seen glimpses of the passionate woman, and that woman excited her at a primal level. She wanted that woman. She wanted that woman to make her come.

“Harder.” She bit down on the words, the grip on Caroline’s forearm unrelenting. It was too slow, too much, too everything. “Go on, harder,” she spat out, daring Caroline to give her everything she wanted.  
  
Caroline moaned and ground herself into Kate’s leg before using her own thigh to push her fingers deeper inside her lover. Weight resting on an arm, her whole body moved as she did as Kate had asked. She drove her fingers deep into Kate, and it wasn’t long before sweat dripped from her skin with the physicality of it. Her sense of self evaporated and even though she was terrified she’d never be the same again, she was compelled to let her desire run free. She became hypersensitive to the woman beneath her and their breath, their sweat and their bodies fused in passion.  
  
Clinging onto Caroline’s back, clawing at her, Kate’s hips lifted off the bed, as Caroline drove fingers inside her. Kate was nearly out of her mind with lust, the sight of Caroline moving above her, blonde hair a fabulous mess, her face tense with pleasure, eyes brilliant and breathing hard. She could feel Caroline twisting and curling fingers every time she plunged inside her. She’d known Caroline was complicated and smart and now she could add passionate and wild. She couldn’t contain it any more. She shook with intensity as she neared the edge, her body finally becoming rigid and her breath stopping as she came, crying out before she collapsed on the bed.  
  
Caroline had never seen anyone so beautiful in her life. Kate, in that moment of ecstasy, was so unfathomably extraordinary she couldn’t imagine having a moment like this ever again. She waited, she watched, and she saw everything as Kate passed through rapture.  
  
It was only when Kate was coming back to earth that she felt Caroline carefully extract her fingers, causing her to gather herself together enough to open her eyes just in time to watch her bring them to her mouth. She looked at Caroline with the lazy satisfied smile that said she’d seen the face of god.   
  
“That was... That was...” she chuckled. “I don’t even know what that was.”  
  
Caroline grinned. “So, it was okay then?”  
  
“What? Are you after a review?” she asked, a slightly disbelieving smile pulling at her mouth. “You want me to give you five stars on TripAdvisor?”  
  
Caroline laughed before hiding her head in Kate’s neck. “I wasn’t thinking of that, but...” she raised her head, softly kissing Kate on the lips. “Was it what you wanted?”  
  
Kate laughed, a deep joyful sound as she hugged Caroline to her and rolled them both onto their sides.  
  
“It was fabulous. You were magnificent. Earth shattering. Not sure why the planet is still intact.”  
  
Caroline smirked. “Not sure we need to go that far.”  
  
“No? Well, suffice to say that I’d like to do that again.”  
  
“Okay.” Caroline caressed Kate’s cheek before needling, “Only five stars?”


	17. MotherDaughterWife

Caroline caressed the steering wheel, briefly resenting the synthetic material which was so different in texture to the supple warmth of Kate’s skin. The car rumbled quietly through empty roads, the eerie twilight dark enough for street lights which glowed like an illicit trail of phosphorous to guide her home. She was relieved that no one was about, a guilty lover scurrying around at 4am before anyone understood her secrets.  
  
It had been awkward when she’d left, mostly because she hadn’t known how to do it with any sort of grace. They’d hugged behind the safety of the front door, Kate in her dressing gown with enough cleavage on display to give Caroline more to remember, and Caroline in her suit, hair a lustrous, shagged mess and skin smelling of sex, sweat and Kate.  
  
She brought her fingers to her mouth, touching her lips softly, the scent of Kate mixing with the sandalwood hand soap from Kate’s bathroom. She whimpered quietly. God she had missed this, this exquisite feeling of giving and receiving, tasting and touching.  
  
She was glad to be alone with her thoughts. Kate really was a surprise. She would never have guessed the vocabulary that turned Kate on, the passion she demanded. Caroline really was going to have to step up to give Kate what she wanted in that department... and a flash of her own inadequacy taunted her momentarily. Perhaps she wasn’t up to it? She shook her head, not even willing to admit that failing just yet.  
  
Indicator switched on out of habit, Caroline focused on turning the corner safely, the distraction changing the direction of her thoughts as well.  
  
The last time they’d had sex, in the early hours of the morning, was different. The urgency was still there, but it had morphed into something else, a connection that reached deep inside her heart. Watching each other as they caressed and explored, teased and joked before the more serious sensations of desire took hold, the gentle intensity of it was startling. Chasing their desires all night was equally astounding.  
  
Caroline shifted in her seat, trying to get more comfortable while still wired and turned on, despite her exhaustion. She wondered if this was what it was going to be like from now on, with Kate inspiring a constant skein of arousal in her blood. How was she going to run meetings that included Kate, or pass her in a corridor, without giving it away? This really was going to test the limits of her self-control. She huffed, thinking about what the last week had been like, and the extra scheduling it had taken to avoid the all too distracting presence of the languages teacher.  
  
She tightened her grip on the wheel, narrowing her eyes at the dark grey path winding in front of her, which suddenly morphed into the sensuous trail of Kate’s thigh and hip and torso as she rolled over, the candlelight flickering as it lit the hills and hid the hollows Caroline explored with her hands, her eyes, her mouth in equal measure.  
  
Her big miscalculation had been about language. Now she had time to reflect, of course the vernacular used in bed would be important to someone who specialised in languages. She flushed slightly at the newly imprinted memory.

_“I noticed you wore your blue suit tonight.” Kate licked a slow circle around Caroline’s nipple. “The blue suit, and those heels... for me.” She brought the hard nipple into her mouth, sucking slightly as Caroline hissed in response. “You look so powerful, so sexy in that suit.” She nibbled at the hard flesh as Caroline started to writhe. “I am completely conflicted. I want to see you strut around in those heels, that skirt, wondering what sexy underwear you have underneath,” she nibbled again, “feel you up, run my hands over your glorious arse, your beautiful tits,” she bit harder this time, “but I also want to rip it off you and have you, whenever I see you wearing it.”_   
  
_Caroline moaned, arching her back and pushing her breast further into Kate’s mouth._   
  
_“I can imagine fucking you, up against a wall, my mouth on you.”_   
  
_“Kaaate!”_   
  
_“Or even better, you fucking me up against a wall, your teeth at my throat and your fingers deep inside me,” she purred, biting again, “I can see you playing with my tits, whispering the erotic things you’re going to do to me before taking me, right there in your office!”_

_Caroline cried out, eyes springing open and she grabbed Kate by the shoulders, rolling on top of her, pinning her to the bed. She moaned, ground herself onto Kate’s leg and captured Kate’s mouth in a passionate kiss. Time stalled and she had no idea how much of it had passed when they finally came up for air, gasping into each other’s mouth._   
  
_“What you say....I mean... I can’t... Christ you’re sexy Kate!”_

Caroline moaned out loud, squirming in her seat as the throbbing between her legs started up again. She tapped the steering wheel, trying to excise the growing tension in her body.  
  
“What are you doing to me Kate?” she muttered, glad no one was there to hear.  
  
Turning slowly into her driveway, the tyres on the gravel sounded too loud for the slumbering neighbourhood. She quickly turned off the engine and sat for a moment, fearing lights appearing from her mother’s flat.  
  
As quietly as she could, she stepped out of the car and using both hands, closed the car with as little noise as possible and tiptoed to the front door. Stepping out of her shoes, she picked them up and crept up the stairs to her bedroom. When the door closed behind her, her shoulders slumped for a moment, praying to gods she didn’t believe in that she’d made it home without her boys and her mum any the wiser.  
  
Dumping her shoes and bag by a chair, she undressed. As each item of clothing came off, memories of Kate stripping her replayed in her head, each one compounding the slight flush rising up her chest and neck.  
  
As she slid into bed, the cool sheets working to offset her warming body, she realised she was too wound up to actually sleep. She lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling, revisiting the evening.

_Kate held her in strong arms, long fingers combing gently through messy blonde hair as Caroline drew parallelograms on Kate’s body with her fingertips.  
  
“That wasn’t the first time you’ve done that, was it?” Kate asked, her voice open and soft.  
  
Caroline snuggled against Kate’s chest. “No, no it wasn’t.” She rotated through the regular polygons before tracing irregular ones on the soft skin. “Well, not like that, exactly, but yes, I have been with women.”  
  
“Well, I guessed. And then you said earlier...”  
  
“I did. I dated a couple of women when I was at Oxford, but the last one... meant the most. Mia was doing her PhD in Epidemiology when I was doing mine in Physical Chemistry, and she needed a tutor for her stats. That’s how we met. I knew instantly, if I’m honest, but we were both so focused on our work that it took a while for us to... you know.”  
  
Caroline abandoned the polygons and moved onto tracing fractal geometry, factoring in non-integer dimensions on the fly. “Anyway, we were together for nine months before she finished. She was offered a prime job in Berlin, working for a pharmaceutical company.” Her voice dropped, barely heard by Kate, “She left. It was awful for a while.”  
  
Caroline smiled wanly. “And that‘s when I met John. And John’s a fairly standard story. Not much of interest there, I’m afraid.”  
  
“I’m sure there is, but there’s time for that another day.” She moved to see Caroline’s face more easily. “So, are you... bi?”  
  
“No, no, not really. Well yes, I suppose. But, no.” She sighed. “I don’t know Kate. I was... a lesbian, or bi and then I wasn’t and now,” she sighed even more heavily, “I have no idea.”  
  
“Oh. Okay. It can change.”  
  
Kate’s gentle allowance of this gave Caroline room to breathe. She was so used to rigid definitions and strict guidelines that the mutability of her own sexuality was fraught with emotions and trauma and she’d avoided even thinking about it for decades — until very recently.  
  
“So tell me more about Mia? What was she like?” Kate asked innocently.  
  
“Mia,” Caroline paused, then a soft smile appeared. “She was clever, and bold, and knew what she was doing. We were both fairly serious about life back then—”  
  
Kate giggled. “Noooo, really?”  
  
Caroline tapped Kate gently on the arm. “Stop it. I’m light and fun and you know it.”  
  
Kate continued to giggle. “Oh, we all know that Caroline. Absolutely.” She squeezed Caroline gently and kissed the top of her head. “So how did you...?”  
  
“Oh. Well, she took the lead, obviously, and at that stage, it was easier to follow. I was young, and...”  
  
Kate lifted her head, peering at the blonde in her arms. “Really? I thought you’d be in charge in the relationship? You’d always given me that idea. I mean, at school you are so... so... well, head bitch in charge.”  
  
“Kate!” Caroline lifted her head to look at Kate more clearly. “Head bitch in charge? Is that what they call me in the staff room? I thought I’d heard them all,” she said, a little miffed about the nickname.  
  
Kate laughed. “No, it’s just what I call you.” She moved to kiss Caroline on the lips, before smirking “But perhaps that’s just wishful thinking on my part.”  
  
“What do you mean... Oh. Oh, I see.” She didn’t, not really, but she thought she might have caught on. “Really? Is that what...”  
  
“Oh yes, Caroline. I LOVE you being commanding.” And to make her point clear, she caught Caroline’s hand and moved it between her legs, the huskiness in her voice leaking out. “I really like it when you’re in charge.”  
  
Caroline nodded and ever so gently, ever so slowly, rolled on top of Kate. She carefully explored Kate’s body, watching and noting changes in sound, in rhythm, in response. She couldn’t remember the subtleties of other lovers; she’d spent too long with the last one to remember the early days, but here she was, shedding the performative skins of duty and habit, connecting with someone who was entirely present with her, who accepted her for who she truly was, who relished it, who matched and even returned her desires. It was the first time in years she wasn’t playing a role someone else had assigned her. She wasn’t mother, daughter, wife or even head teacher. She was just Caroline. She focused her attention, gently building the tension, allowing desire to blossom, and tenderly coaxed Kate to a long climax._

Caroline rolled over in bed, hugging a pillow to her chest. What had started as one type of instruction from Kate had changed into something different for Caroline. She had thought of that part of the night as being about language, but in reflection, she had learned so much more about herself. She had no idea what she was going to do about that revelation. It took another hour for her to fall asleep, the animals in the garden already playing in the daylight before she managed to let the evening go.  



	18. Fraying at the Seams

  
It was shortly after 8am when Caroline woke to hazy morning light filtering through the curtains. A satisfied smile appeared as she recalled her night with Kate. She rolled onto her back in the middle of her bed, arm flung over her eyes, shielding them from the outside world, the smile widening as images of Kate filtered through her consciousness. It was in that moment she felt something deep inside her shift and she knew it was due to more than a lack of proper sleep. The memory of how Kate’s arms felt as deep as the night and her desire to stay lost in them forever overtook her on a cellular level. She couldn’t remember having the level of intimacy with John like she’d just experienced with Kate. The excitement of every moment with a new lover had even given her a little insight into what he might have been after when he first took up with Judith, when everything was fresh and tantalising.  
  
As she lay there, all she could think about was how reverently Kate had explored her body. The more Kate had stroked and caressed her, the more comfortable she became with Kate having that contact. She even marvelled at how Kate had put her at ease about her caesarian section scar. At one point, while they were sharing their secrets, Kate had been playfully walking fingers along her ribs and headed towards her hips when Kate’s fingertips landed on that permanent totem of motherhood. They had remained there, gently exploring the raised ridge of tissue. Caroline had moved her hand to cover it, but Kate had stopped her.  
  
_“William or Lawrence?” Kate asked quietly._  
  
_“Lawrence. It was an emergency so it’s a little bigger than it should be,” she explained._  
  
_“It’s beautiful. Almost like a smile,” Kate reassured her. “You’re beautiful.”_  
  
_“So says the woman with the perfect body. My tummy used to be smooth and flat before the boys.” She sighed with resignation. “Motherhood moves a body on.” Caroline had no idea how to find the words to admit she was concerned Kate would realise she wasn’t as physically fit._  
  
_“Never regret what having babies does to you. Without those changes, you wouldn’t be lucky enough to have your boys,” Kate said as she pulled Caroline in for a searing kiss._  
  
The sound of the boys making their way to the kitchen finally pulled Caroline from her high Egyptian thread count cocoon. A short time later, clad in her old robe, she sat, bleary-eyed at the kitchen bench, still in need of a shower but not wanting to wash off Kate’s scent yet. She smiled to herself, the soreness of her muscles as she stood to clear the remnants of the kids’ breakfast dishes serving as a reminder of their active night.   
  
She was relieved to have some time on her own to process some of her thoughts about it all before needing to launch into her obligations for the day. As if on cue, Celia intruded, unannounced, as Caroline was wiping down the bench.  
  
“Morning love,” Celia chirped. “I forgot to buy milk when I went for my paper. Can I borrow some?”  
  
“Sure, if there’s any left in the carton. I can pick some up for you later,” Caroline offered, reaching for her cup, relieved Celia didn’t move to sit down.   
  
“You were out late. Did you and your girlfriend have fun at that show? What was it called again?” Caroline all but choked on her tea, despite the innocent inquiry.  
  
_“The Vagina Monologues._ The WI put it on. I went with one of the teachers to support another staff member who was in it. It made a fun change from sitting through Shakespeare.” Caroline took another sip of her tea, trying to look distracted so her mum wouldn’t linger further on the topic.  
  
Celia wrinkled her nose. “Imagine the WI doing something like that. They’ve really gone down hill since that calendar thing, haven’t they?”  
  
“How was your night?” she asked, not wanting to dignify her mum’s judgmental comment with a response.  
  
“I spent it on the email. William’s been teaching me. He’s very patient. May I take you and the boys out for lunch? It feels like I haven’t had anytime with you lately and I owe William a treat,” Celia said. She stared at Caroline’s clothing, a frown descending before she announced with certainty, “That robe has seen better days.”  
  
“And one of these days I’ll get around to buying a new one,” Caroline retorted. “It’s not been on my list of priorities.” In an effort to shift Celia back to the granny flat, she added more peaceably, “I can be ready to go about one o’clock. Lawrence has a group science project to finish so it’ll just be William and me.”  
  
“Then let’s go to Cafe Imperial in Parliament Square… I’ll come over at one. You might want to spruce yourself up; you never know who we might meet there,” she said as she picked up the milk carton and padded back down the hallway.   
  
Relieved the visit was relatively painless, Caroline refilled her tea cup and settled back onto her stool. Looking down at her robe, she noticed a spot of jam on its frayed sleeve. It was then that she decided she needed a new one; there was no way she would feel comfortable being seen by Kate when wearing it. Kate. Her girlfriend, Kate. She felt a knot in her stomach at the thought of saying that out loud to anyone. The knot grew tighter at the thought of having her stay over and seeing her new robe. She wondered if she’d have the nerve to do so with her mum in the granny flat and the boys one landing away, but she knew she wanted more nights with Kate like last night. She willed herself to find a way to make it happen.  
  
The more tea she drank, the more Caroline recognised that it wasn’t just a night of passion; it was a night of intimacy. She’d enjoyed Kate’s complete attention as they chased their shared desire for each other up against the threat of the inevitable sunrise. She hated leaving; having to leave; before dawn as she hadn’t wanted the night to end.  
  
Their night together was a stark reminder of the depth of pleasure she’d been denying herself for most of her adult years; she wanted more, despite the heavy chains of inertia. She wasn’t sure if she was more afraid of the path forward, or of selling herself short by staying safely within the boundaries of heteronormativity. She knew she was at a tipping point, but she needed to screw up the courage and dive head-first over the edge into the life she really wanted.  
  
She wandered slowly up the stairs and as she stepped into the shower, Caroline was struck by how Celia’s intrusion into her brain was like a bucket of cold water on her over-heated thoughts about Kate. Celia’s constant reliance on her for everything, right down to a pint of milk, was a deep concern for Caroline. When she coupled that dependence with Celia’s constant worry about the opinions of other people, Caroline feared her rigid mum would never accept Kate. Although Caroline didn’t want to need her mum’s approval, she knew that her coming out now could be the wedge that permanently severed their often precarious relationship, leaving Celia truly alone. She didn’t want that on her conscience, and already felt too much for Kate to subject her to Celia’s small-mindedness. Growing anxious at the thought of Celia’s vitriol, she vigorously lathered her hair, willing the shampoo to wash away the memories from her university days that suddenly haunted her. She’d need to paper over the deep claw wounds of the past if she was to survive lunch with her mum today. 

* * *

  
  
As the car passed the town hall, Celia burbled along about the special Earl Grey tea she wanted to pick up at a nearby shop while William stared out the window. Both were oblivious to the quiet meltdown Caroline experienced behind the wheel when _Sweet Love_ sang from the speakers. Unbidden but not unwelcome despite the timing, memories of Kate caressed her skin, causing her to shiver.  
  
She had forgotten how much she enjoyed the intimacy of conversation after sex, or even during a pause in between. With Kate, she loved how the conversation flowed between them, especially the verbal foreplay. Caroline felt challenged to keep up at times and at others knew she delivered what her lover wanted. Lover. She rolled the word around in her mind. Could she now really call Kate her lover? Was one night enough to establish that bond? How soon could they repeat it? She needed to repeat it. Every second of it was seared into her brain and seemed to be playing on an endless loop.  
  
_She hadn’t noticed Kate turn on the music and the volume was so low it never fully registered until Kate started humming along.  
  
“Who is this? I know, I know it,” Caroline asked, thankful her breathing was finally returning to a more normal rhythm.   
  
“I’ll bet you do. Actually, these lyrics are really fitting,” Kate responded. “‘I hope you think I’m girl enough, I hope you believe in chemistry for two,’” Kate crooned in her ear, causing Caroline to chuckle lightly.  
  
“Anita Baker. Nope. You are definitely woman enough,” she said, flicking her eyes down to enjoy Kate’s exposed breasts, following with her mouth to kiss the tops of them. “I used to listen to her back in the 80s.”  
  
“Your turn. What song fits this moment?”  
  
“I didn’t know there’d be a quiz.” Caroline was silent for a minute, time she spent savouring the smooth softness of Kate’s skin against her own, buying time. She found concentrating difficult because all she wanted to do was kiss every inch of Kate and start over again when she finished. Recognising her blood warming again, she finally offered, “I think it has to be ‘The Party Kings.’” Noticing Kate looking less than impressed, she purred seductively, “I’ll stop the world and melt with you.”  
  
“Oh, top marks for originality with that one,” Kate laughed easily. “For a minute I was afraid you’d come up with ‘Kiss Me Kate.’”  
  
“I promise won’t go there, as long as you don’t start with ‘Sweet Caroline,’” she retorted. “Too many misguided jerks tried that as their pick up line back in the day.”  
  
Kate chuckled. “Bollocks. And there was me planning to have the choir perform that at our next assembly as a thank you for tonight.”  
  
The mood in the bed suddenly turned cold as Caroline’s heart sank, the pressing threat of disclosure intruding on their idyll.   
  
Caroline cleared her throat, but before she could speak, Kate reassured her. “Caroline, it’s okay. I can be discreet. No one at school needs to know about us...not until we know what we are.”  
  
Caroline exhaled with relief as the butterflies in her stomach settled a little. “How did you know…about me in the first place? I’ve wanted to ask but wasn’t sure how to…was it something I said or did, or...?” A sharp stab of fear lanced through her. “Do you think anyone else knows?”  
  
“No! No, Caroline. I’ve never heard anyone at school say anything of the kind.” The fear subsided as Kate soothed her with hands and voice. A small smirk played on her face.  
  
Caroline narrowed her eyes suspiciously, waiting for the explanation.   
  
“It was that day outside the dentist. You fondled my arse and remarked about wanting to go home with me. I was disappointed you didn’t remember it so I could take you up on the offer when the drugs wore off.” She giggled. “At least my patience has been rewarded tonight,” she said, lightening the air between them.  
  
Caroline released her hold on Kate long enough to brush the hair out of her eyes before her hand followed the path of Kate’s body down to that well-toned bottom, gently caressing it. “It wasn’t until after you’d gone that I’d remembered,” she squeezed Kate’s arse and then smirked suggestively, “But your posterior is worthy of posterity,” she said chuckling._  
  
Kate’s laughter seemed to echo around the car, only heard by Caroline as she turned the car onto Parliament Street, but as that laughter faded, tension rose from the potential fallout from revelation of their relationship at Sulgrave Health. She wondered how she’d navigate the sharks there if they made a go of it, yet in that moment, not making a go of it was inconceivable.  
  
Caroline gripped the steering wheel, thankful for the temporary feeling of control in her hands. She felt like she was being flung against walls, oscillating between the breezy joy of Kate and the age-old fears that had her manacled in their grip.  
  
Any thoughts of Sulgrave Heath brought the very real horrors of the Board finding out she was a lesbian crashing through her mind. She could see the series of horrors falling like dominoes: the gossip, the meetings behind her back, the ignominy of being called before them to explain her relationship with Kate. She knew they could find a thousand ways to make life difficult in an effort to push her out of her job. All it would take was a whiff of this and everything she had worked for could disintegrate.  
  
She would never survive the public ridicule, nor would her family, and Celia would be there with an acidic ‘I told you so’ to deepen the wounds. Even if she survived, she worried about the toll it could take on her boys, especially Lawrence. Her youngest was vociferously protective of his dad, but she feared he wasn’t quite mature enough to understand adult relationships. She had no idea how he’d cope with the shifting landscape of his parents, let alone how he’d cope at school if word escaped about her and Kate. At least William would soon be off to university and out of the line of sight if it all soured. How would they cope with the rumours and bullying if her desires were revealed? Her life, already fraying, might come apart at the seams.  
  
Kate. Just the thought of her was like a balm to her insecurities. While Celia droned on in the seat beside her, Caroline returned her focus to the gorgeous and kind Kate, wishing she were with her instead. Caroline breathed deeply, like she was breathing in the possibilities of a new life, one in which she was safe and supported and openly acknowledged to be in a relationship with Kate. As terrifying as her worst fears were, she sensed the bone deep relief of finally being seen, of finally being appreciated for the woman she was and the need to stop hiding that part of herself. That tiny light at the end of the path was there. She wanted to find a way to that warm and loving place, one which included her sons and Kate. The winding road in front of her gradually filled with the afternoon traffic in Harrogate, and she turned her attention to the Sunday outing with her mum and William. So many paths. So many decisions. So many possibilities. She so wanted to go there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, and a special thank you to everyone who took the time to post a comment. You all helped us to keep going during this unprecedented time.  
>    
> This fic started as a conversation between Dis-Moi and KatieDingo about whether Caroline was telling the truth to Michael Bloody Dobson about “having a fling,” or if it was Kate who was honest when she revealed they’d only “kissed twice.” So between those tidbits of information in canon and the opening scene in S01E05 in Caroline’s office, we decided it was much more likely that these two had been intimate before Caroline dumped Kate in episode one. So how did they get to that point, and what pushed Caroline to dump Kate and take back the pretentiously necrotic sleezebag?  
>    
> We had no idea how we were going to get from A to Z; it was a matter of starting with Caroline throwing shoes at John, and finishing just before Celia whines about her dead husband in the posh cafe in episode one. Everything else the characters told us along the way. What we did know was that we wanted to write a story that was a bit sharper and revealed some of the brittle rawness Caroline exhibits early on in the series. We also wanted to show some of the intensity of the change Caroline would have gone through in order to metamorphose from straight and married, to lesbian and with a partner, even if she resisted attempts along the way to push her out of the closet. We wish we could have rewritten large parts of canon such as Caroline taking John back, or give Caroline and Kate the happy ending they deserved.  
>    
> We hope you enjoyed the fic as much as we enjoyed writing it. Thank you for the lovely distraction during this time of plague. May you all be safe and well and happy.  
>    
> Dis-Moi and KatieDingo  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> Dis-Moi and KatieDingo worked together on this fic. Dis-Moi is posting the fic on Fanfiction dot net and KatieDingo is posting the fic on Archive of Our Own dot org. Both would be delighted to read any comments or feedback you might have about the fic. Thank you for reading.


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